Why I Feel this Way

Sometimes, it’s the small things that push you over the edge and make you look at suicide…First of all, the main thing that’s bugging me, my son got sick, and the doctors don’t know what’s going on with my baby. And I can’t help myself, much less him… So, he has lost 5lbs in 10 days, and I can’t get him to eat. Well, finally in the last couple of days, he has started feeling better. So, that’s one thing that has straightened up. I recently got out of a serious long-term relationship that ended well enough… And we are still roommates. The problem is that we are too close. And she started dating a man that works with us. Yes, I work with her, live with her, ride back and forth to work with her… It’s complicated. But, we are trying to be friends, because we have been in each other’s lives for a long time. And my son loves her. But she wants to tell me that she is still in love with me, and she wants to be with me, and he annoys her, and blah, blah, blah. And she hates anyone that I express interest in, and she tries to drive them off… And she is telling the man she is seeing something completely different and she’s lying to me about it. Like, last night she talked pure shit about him, and he “texts her too much”, but the first text sent today was from her to him.. (Yeah, I looked.) So after we ended, I began seeing this guy at work, and things were amazing for the longest time. Then, I find out he’s married, but “in the process” of divorce. Ok, I can deal with that… No, not so much. See, his wife was about to deliver their second child… Nice, huh? So, of course, I stopped talking to him. Then one of my best friends decided that it was time for him to ask me out. We had ONE date, and he thinks it’s appropriate to tell me who I can talk to, how I can dress, and otherwise tell me how to run my life. So, I told him I’m not that kind of girl… He keeps pushing me away and then pulling me back in. And maybe it’s where I’m so damn depressed anyway, that I’m allowing it. If I can’t have her, I want him. And I do love him, and I want to be his woman, but his comment is “Why would I settle for ONE when there is such variety out there to choose from?” Or my personal favorite, “You can’t turn a whore into a housewife.” But, he told ME he had feelings for me, and he brought the whole “L” word into it. And then, I recently started talking to married-dude again, cause he left his wife, and I like to talk to him, because he says things that make me feel cared about. Right now, I don’t feel like there is a single soul that cares whether I live or die. I don’t feel like if I died tomorrow that anyone would care. I’m cutting myself pretty badly, and I’m unable to eat. I haven’t eaten without throwing it back up in weeks. I need to find the courage to rise above all of this, or to bite the bullet and just do it…