I’m not seriously considering killing myself tonight, but this thought constantly lurks in my head. I was chronically suicidal in my youth, and really thought the feelings would go away as an adult.
At present, I’m educated, I’m professionally employed and my life would appear stable to a stranger looking in. And yet, there is always such a huge void in me that makes me feel numb to the world. Ironically, I work in palliative care, and although I find this job really meaningful/rich, this is one of the only areas in my life that brings me meaning/purpose, and I often find myself envying people I serve.
I guess I’m just struggling with envisioning a future for myself – I don’t see any worth in continuing my life (just mine – not the lives of others). I just plain don’t feel like I belong here, and I have a difficult time connecting intimately with people around me.
I feel horrible to be doing this to those I care about, especially my mom and my friends, but I can’t take this feeling of complete isolation any longer. It eats me up every day.
I hope that I can find a sense of belonging/peace in my next life. I realize I am likely depressed, but why should emotional pain be a less legitimate reason for ending one’s life when compared to physical pain? I’m really, really hurting and so alone in my experience.
5 comments
“I realize I am likely depressed, but why should emotional pain be a less legitimate reason for ending one’s life when compared to physical pain?”
Wow, my dad runs a hospice and I have thought this sooooo many times. I can’t even begin to tell you how much of this I relate to. It’s very difficult for me to imagine my older self (I am 23 now). Every time I day dream about the future it seems so unrealistic and ridiculous it usually makes me feel worse.
I hope you know that you’re not alone.
If it helps at all, siamesedream, I feel your pain and would like to offer any help I can.
Here’s a thought, and just that, a thought – but maybe working with the suffering has an affect on your will to live? I know that there are a TON of careers that actually encourage mental distress and depression. While you may get something gratifying from helping ease the suffering of others, you also might take some of it onto yourself – especially if you wrap yourself in your work and distance yourself from the rest of your life… which is something I could see happening fairly easy.
I’m not by any means trying to say you should quit your job or anything like that – but maybe take a bit of a vacation, if you can… and if you can’t then maybe try finding something outside of work that also helps people (who aren’t suffering intensely and/or dying) – like a big brother/sister outreach program, it might help.
You truly are not alone. I feel the same way about the future. I’m older than most on this site…57…and I just don’t see the point in remaining in this realm of existence. Emotional pain is just as disabling as physical pain. I have both. I’m one of the unlucky few whose heart failure/surgery left me worse than before, chronic chest and back pain, a weakened and enlarged heart and unremitting fatigue. It’s no way to live. So why bother, is what I think. Plus it’s expensive. Depression set in with a vengeance and has taken up permanent residence. No, you aren’t alone. I pray every night to be relieved. I’m too much of a coward to kill myself. But perhaps I’ll go the route of the Golden Gate Bridge. It only takes 4 seconds to hit the water.
I understand how you’re feeling. Twenty years on, just when I think I’m getting better, something blindsides me and makes me hate myself.
Me too. To think i may be here another 30-40-50 yrs. I do not want to either. It is hard when the person you most need to get away from is yourself.