It’s pretty pathetic to be so down and pitying myself when I know there are billions of people who would kill to have half of the things I have in life. By most standards in the world, I live like a king. I have a comfortable apartment, I’m in college preparing for a successful career in finance, everyday I have food and clean water, I’m physically healthy, I grew up with great parents and great siblings, and there isn’t really any major problem in my life. Â But often, I get the crushing realization of how lonely I am. I would give all that I have in my life to just have people care about me in my life outside of my family.
Every where I go I try to talk to people and get to know them. I’ll introduce myself. Ask questions about them. Try and make a friend. But as soon as the conversations over, it’s like I disappeared. People forget that they met me and I’ll reintroduce myself. Even though I go through so much trouble to try and make friends, I’m never invited to do things with people. When I try and get something organized and invite people, nobody comes. When I try to go to social activities (like church events during the week, school activities, parties) I get all excited. I’ll dress nice and think about it all week. Then when I get there, nobody talks to me and the people who I know don’t remember me. So I end up leaving early and go home and cry because I got my hopes up that I would make some friends. There’s this girl at work who I would give anything to have here notice me. She’s the one person on the face of this planet that I want to know who I am. She’s single, beautiful, smart, funny, and just perfect. Normally, this is the perfect setting for someone in my position to start a relationship. But everyday, it’s back to square one. She (like everyone else) has to reask where I’m from everyday (I moved from out-of-state). Every time I try to start a conversation with her, someone interrupts me like I’m not even there. I don’t blame her for not making the time to get to know me. I just can’t make people notice me in the first place. None of my relationships progress. I really don’t want to keep going on through this life so alone. What really sucks is that I had such a great childhood that I know what it feels like to be happy and loved. But know that I’m out on my own, I really want someone outside my family to care about me because I feel like family’s are obligated to care for you and it just feels superficial with them and gets more superficial everyday.
I just go about my day like a ghost in the crowd. I’ve so many suicidal thoughts. It would be so nice to not feel alone all the time. To just leave and not have to feel anymore. Not feel anything. The happier something makes me feel will shortly make me feel equally horrible. It’s like the opposite of the Midas Touch, everything that was gold that I touch soon turns into a poltergeist that forever haunts my memories forever because I know that I was alone when whatever happy memory occurred and I know that I’ll be alone forever. Like the times that I saw a really good movie, when I was alone. Really beautiful hikes, when I was alone. Celebrating good grades, alone in my apartment. But I can’t give myself the gratification of letting go because I don’t want to burden my family because I’m dysfunct. It’s not their fault so why should they suffer. If I could somehow do it without them ever knowing, just make my family believe that I disappeared, then I would do it in a heartbeat. No more memories, no more sadness, no more loneliness. Just nice peaceful nothingness. Most people in this world, its so easy just to make friends and have relationships. But me, people think I am just another part of the world to them, like a rock on the side of the road. All the things in life that used to make me happy mean nothing unless I have someone to share it with.  If this keeps on going this way, caring about how it’ll affect my parents and siblings won’t be enough. Is anybody listening? Is anybody out there? Am I in some Twilight Zone episode? What more can I do? How much longer can I hold on?
7 comments
I have trouble making friends too. People in my classes might talk to me but it never seems to become anything more. I’ve only hung out with one person since I moved here (in August) but I wouldn’t exactly call her a friend. She’s nice, but it feels like she only invites me to hang out because she feels sorry for me. And feeling so depressed only makes it harder. I mean, I don’t want to be around myself so why would anyone else want to be?
I hear you. I don’t have an answer. I get lonely too. But you are not alone in how you feel.
From what you have written, I feel like I am in the exact same place that you are. I can relate to your post more than any I’ve ever read on this site. Right now I think I’m more depressed than suicidal, but similarly, I was dealt a good hand in life and I am constantly reminded by friends+family how lucky I am and things like that, but trust me I would never wish my life upon anyone.
That said, I have very few friends and I’ve been single for a long time now. I have money, health, family, talents, but severely lacking attention/bonding in the social area. I tend to be friendly with people, it’s not an act, just how I am, but people often tell me I’m “too nice”.. I’ve met girls or even guy friends where we have loads in common then they either treat me like shit or just disappear on me. One girl totally forgot we had a date planned. Another girl who I once thought I was in love with, forgets major things about me I’ve told her 2-3+ times!!
I’ve tried traveling alone. It sucked. I finally broke down and cried. I was on an amazing vacation and had nobody to share it with. Every day I go out I am lose interest in making myself look/dress nice, because nobody notices, nobody cares. It’s so apparent the world doesn’t want me.
I don’t have an answer. Maybe we’re doing something wrong? I just hope it gets better.
I celebrated my 21st birthday alone. I bought a 6pack of Heineken at the gas station on the corner. I wasn’t even carded. I opened one to drink then thought to myself “I hate beer. Why am I even drinking this?” The only people who seem to give a shit about me are my parents and a couple long-distance friends.
Thanks for listening. It really means a lot to me that you guys read this and left some comments. I’m just going to keep on looking towards the future and try overcome that crushing feeling of loneliness when it starts to feel overwhelming.
And geranamine, I know what you mean about having to celebrate you’re birthday alone. My 16th birthday I woke up, went and got my driver’s license, drove around looking for a job, and then went home where my dad had me finish a retaining wall in at our house while he went to work. No calls from friends. Nobody to stop by and say happy birthday or anything. What sucks is that people that I was trying to be friends with, I’d always make it a point to do something for them on their birthday. I don’t want to sound selfish. I like doing things for other people but it’s nice when people go out of their way to make you feel appreciated or wanted.
It does not get any better with age, i`m 50 and can relate to your problems, i wonder what life is all about, what is the point of it? and i dunno. I just work, eat, sleep, plod on with this boring lonely life.
People are horrible, they only talk to me when they want something, if i did myself in tonight, i`d lie in my house for weeks, months before people would wonder where i am.
I could go on and on about this miserable life of mine, but i won`t maybe it will get better, maybe in the next life i will meet nice people, If i`m a bloke again maybe the women i meet wont all be lying, scheming, thoughtless, selfish, users, time wasters or raving nut cases who talk to dead people!
I`m making myself feel depressed now, i`m going to bed, maybe in the morning i will wake up and everything will have been a bad dream and the world is a nice place where people are kind & thoughtful……….yeah right!