It’s pretty pathetic to be so down and pitying myself when I know there are billions of people who would kill to have half of the things I have in life. By most standards in the world, I live like a king. I have a comfortable apartment, I’m in college preparing for a successful career in finance, everyday I have food and clean water, I’m physically healthy, I grew up with great parents and great siblings, and there isn’t really any major problem in my life. Â But often, I get the crushing realization of how lonely I am. I would give all that I have in my life to just have people care about me in my life outside of my family.
Every where I go I try to talk to people and get to know them. I’ll introduce myself. Ask questions about them. Try and make a friend. But as soon as the conversations over, it’s like I disappeared. People forget that they met me and I’ll reintroduce myself. Even though I go through so much trouble to try and make friends, I’m never invited to do things with people. When I try and get something organized and invite people, nobody comes. When I try to go to social activities (like church events during the week, school activities, parties) I get all excited. I’ll dress nice and think about it all week. Then when I get there, nobody talks to me and the people who I know don’t remember me. So I end up leaving early and go home and cry because I got my hopes up that I would make some friends. There’s this girl at work who I would give anything to have here notice me. She’s the one person on the face of this planet that I want to know who I am. She’s single, beautiful, smart, funny, and just perfect. Normally, this is the perfect setting for someone in my position to start a relationship. But everyday, it’s back to square one. She (like everyone else) has to reask where I’m from everyday (I moved from out-of-state). Every time I try to start a conversation with her, someone interrupts me like I’m not even there. I don’t blame her for not making the time to get to know me. I just can’t make people notice me in the first place. None of my relationships progress. I really don’t want to keep going on through this life so alone. What really sucks is that I had such a great childhood that I know what it feels like to be happy and loved. But know that I’m out on my own, I really want someone outside my family to care about me because I feel like family’s are obligated to care for you and it just feels superficial with them and gets more superficial everyday.
I just go about my day like a ghost in the crowd.Â I’ve so many suicidal thoughts. It would be so nice to not feel alone all the time. To just leave and not have to feel anymore. Not feel anything. The happier something makes me feel will shortly make me feel equally horrible. It’s like the opposite of the Midas Touch, everything that was gold that I touch soon turns into a poltergeist that forever haunts my memories forever because I know that I was alone when whatever happy memory occurred and I know that I’ll be alone forever. Like the times that I saw a really good movie, when I was alone. Really beautiful hikes, when I was alone. Celebrating good grades, alone in my apartment. But I can’t give myself the gratification of letting go because I don’t want to burden my family because I’mÂ dysfunct. It’s not their fault so why should they suffer. If I could somehow do it without them ever knowing, just make my family believe that I disappeared, then I would do it in a heartbeat. No more memories, no more sadness, no more loneliness. Just nice peaceful nothingness. Most people in this world, its so easy just to make friends and have relationships. But me, people think I am just another part of the world to them, like a rock on the side of the road. All the things in life that used to make me happy mean nothing unless I have someone to share it with. Â If this keeps on going this way, caring about how it’ll affect my parents and siblings won’t be enough. Is anybody listening? Is anybody out there? Am I in some Twilight Zone episode? What more can I do? How much longer can I hold on?