Hey there, how are you? I’m new here. I’m Soulless-dawnkeeper, an 18-year-old girl.
I’m so sorry if I will bore you with my story, I just got to vent. I have read a lot of stories for I think half a year now, but I didn’t have the guts. If you have any comments and/or advise; you are more then welcome.
I’ll start at the age of 7. I had this huge crush on a boy, but he rejected me, over and over. That made a huge scar. I was the dumb-fuck. I was/am terrible at maths and everybody thought I was stupid. When I was 8 my best friend and I got in a huge fight and she putt up the whole class against me. I had no one. I began hurting myself by eating and scratching my face. So I ended up friendless, fat and ugly.
At the age of 12 I’d fallen in love with 3 boys or something and they all didn’t want me. I swore never to love again, ever.
At the age of 13 my dad got kicked out of house, because he cheated on my mother several times. He always yelled and screamed. When I was younger he took me on his lap (you know, hugging your dad), he put his hand in my pants, against my butt. Sometimes we lay on the couch and he pull me next, almost on top of him, hugged me tight and again shove his hand down against my butt. (Sometimes over my undies, sometimes against my bare skin), this ended when I was 14, I think. But he can still be really… sticky and physically. (especially when he drunk too much, which is often… when I’m there)
Then I went on summer camp, I was 14 by now. I met this girl… I fell in love. Hard. (I discovered I was gay), But it didn’t work out because she lived on the other side of the world. I was so desperate and in need of love. My mother has not have much affection. She doesn’t say, “I love you†or hug you. She is rational. I’m emotional. – Are you still following my story? – So I posted something on a gay site and I met my ex.
We had a relationship for 2 and a half years (the last half year was unofficial, though)
We had fights, she had to deal with my bipolar-behavior (I’m not diagnosed or anything). [Lying on my bed, with my hands around my neck, or with a knife against my wrist, saying I would kill myself. She would sit next to me and say I shouldn’t because I was “awesome†and later that I wouldn’t do it anyways.] and my insecurity. I couldn’t believe she wasn’t cheating on me, that she loved me.
Our relationship ended because she hasn’t told her parents she was gay and she couldn’t hold it in any longer that she had a relationship. She was trying to be straight for the last year. When she broke it off, she surged for love in all the wrong places and she became a whore. But I still loved her. We still did some stuff, but it broke us inside. When she ended it my surrounding kept telling me I wasn’t gay, so “I would prove them wrongâ€, by secretively meeting a guy I used to know. Jerk him off, he felt me (what hurt like HELL. It never did with my ex) and licked me. It was so gross. He was gross, his body was unattractive, his thing… ewwww. It finally stopped when my dad called me and I had the excuse to go away. My hands shook. I felt so dirty. I violated myself. (I was 16 I think)
A year ago I met a cute guy and I was totally in shock because of that. I was in love. He swept me of my feet. We had one date. He is autistic and that didn’t work out. (Because of my instable-personality) I miss him so much every day. I see him in my dreams, my thoughts. Can’t let him go. We were so on the same page, you know?
Since this year I’m doing an education for becoming a restaurant/hotel-manager/ owner. My mom kicked me there. Every day teachers ask me how I’m doing, because I look so sad. Well, I am. And I actually want to kill myself, but you will never know.
I have no friends at school. Every break I’m at the toilet or in the hallway. Alone. Some people ask me to join them, and my teachers push me to open up… but I can’t. Because I will say something stupid again, I will scare them away. I always do when I let people close. When I let my wall down. My mom wants me to get my drivers-license but I don’t see the goal, since I’m gonna be dead in a while.
Sometimes I still want something from life. Almost never, but sometimes I do.
I want to be a chef. My dad keeps telling me I can’t. I know it’s a heavy job, and I know I’m not so good at doing things with my hands, but I love it. I love to cook and bake. I love it. Food makes my world better. When I see a kitchen I go “yey, home. Aaahhh – orgasm -â€. I love it so much. But I’m not allowed to switch. I just want to make something. Do something. Not sitting on my ass 5 days a week, 8hours a day. I used to be a loving person. Kind. All of that. Somewhere I’m still that person. Somewhere.
I hate myself. For being stupid, for being fat, for can’t doing anything good. It’s so full in my head. When it’s too full in my head I drug myself (with masturbation, cutting, boxing till my hands bleed, alcohol, cigarettes), but I have also days when my heads thinking nothing, and I can only feel. – And drug myself.
I’ve diagnosed myself with depression, bi-polar, binge eating and borderline. But I hope my diagnoses are bullshit, so I’m not going to my GP.
My body is crashing down, by all the bad foods I eat, and the less amount of water I drink. I just got to end.
Somewhere I’m like; “fuck, I gotta do somethingâ€, but on the other hand I’m like; “I wanna die so badly… DIE *****!†I hate the human-instinct to save your own life.
It’s a continuous fight. 24/7.
Waking up “fuck, I’m still here. ***. Why God, why?â€
getting on the train “I could jump. Just do it. Goddamn. Do it!â€
sitting in class, writing poems/stories/thoughts.
Spending breaks at the toilet/hallway “just get your scissors outta your backpack…. You could also hang yourself!!!!â€
Sitting in class, dreaming, hoping the building will tumble down, the end of the earth is near, hoping you could get a gun, somehow.
Getting home with the train, same story
Being home. *Puke* a mother who spends her time behind her pc. Or calling everybody. Wants you to leave the house. Thinks you’re an ungrateful little *****. A brother who makes so much noise all the time. ALL THE FREAKING TIME. At dinner time ( when I have done the groceries and cooked!) they ***** at me, because I ate a cookie, or chocolate. That I have to do sports. – Every day, I’m not kidding! I will feel even more fucked and cut, eat even more, or do something else easing.
I’m so done!
—————-
Thank you for reading my story. It means a lot to me to share my story with someone.
If you hate my story, please do not react. I’m full of shit already.
If you have any advice or things to say; I’ll be waiting for your message.
Sending you lots of love, kindness and fluffy-bear-like-hugs (I’m good at them)
Soulless-dawnkeeper  <3
23 comments
Hi, I read your story, and I don’t know what to say (I never do) but if you want to talk, just let me know, and I’ll talk to you about anything in the world.<3
Hey, how are you doing?
I do not really know what to say… just that I am happy someone reacted. That someone cares.
– thinking really hard to say something positive- … yeah! yesterday I made a vegan chocolate brownie and it was soooo yum. And today I stayed in my bed till 12.00h. under my warm blankets, with my soft pillows. *yey* and then you reacted, and that’s also awesome. I just made a -vegan- sandwich and it was also so yum. <3 … that was something' real positive 😀
Tell me something about yourself? How are you doing today? any shocking, loving, funny stories to tell? or just something you've got to share with me? ^^
<3
Hello Dawnkeeper,
You say your boyfriend was autistic…and that you were on the same page…what does that mean? You see I have Asperger’s which is on the autism spectrum….I have social anxiety…it took me 3 years to pass Grade 10 math….but my IQ is mensa. Why I asked is because of your love of cooking and baking….I just read a book about a woman with Aspergers…and cooking is what made her life make sense. It was called “The Kitchen Daughter” by Jael McHenry…have you read it?…probably not…me I read cereal boxes if i don’t have anything else to read…lol.
I was also raised in an unemotional family….I was 45 the first time my mother told me she loved me….and let me tell you…it felt wrong…lol….but I am an extremely emotional person….the only one in a large family….so the odd one…the black sheep…and yes I have a history of childhood sexual abuse as well….started before the age of 3….maybe there is something there?….let me know what you think. The good news is….you’re still here. And while there is breath…there is hope. I tried to kill myself the first time before the age of 4…and 6 more times over the years.
Live, Learn, Love and Laugh
Amakua
hey, good to hear you have a dream! that you truly enjoy and want to be! im sorry for your abuse as a child.. and i hope you to meet someone really nice and can relate to you. i’d really want to try some cooking done by you someday.. when you maybe open a restaurant, will you invite me? haha.. and amakua i do feel sorry for you and so happy to see that you are living happy life now.. and i do read cereal boxes too when im eating cereals..
@ Amakua; I really don’t know. we just felt each other. Our moods, our feelings. We were the same, somehow. I thought of that before ( being autistic), but I rejected that thought. People said I wasn’t when I asked them if I might be that. I have social anxiety, that’s damn right. I’m diagnosed with dyscalculia when I was 8, so it isn’t weird that I’m bad at maths/ can’t see how it works. I’m quite positive my IQ isnt much… some people say I’m smarter than I think, but I don’t know…
I’m definitely going to read it! Sounds awesome. Haha, fun stuff. ^^
It’s so weird. that sounds like me! My family is also huge and unemotional. ( well, not ALL of them, I won’t exaggerate) black sheep… What do you mean by saying “maybe there’s something there”? Like… I would have been abused before the age of what I can remember or something? – tell me.
Good news? I’m praying to God every day to kill me. okay… I can’t really call it praying… it’s more like… crying out to God to kill me. beg.
Wow. at the age of four??! What happened? ( If I may ask?)
How do you get back up again?
Thank you very much!
Dawnkeeper
@Cindy; Thank you for your support! I’m meeting people here who I can relate to, does that count? I think I’m just not meant to be to have a lover/family and real friends. I’m so twisted and socially awkward.
Hell yeah! But there’s just one problem; I live in Europe… ( not telling where, so people can’t track me down). I think I like France or Italy. Their products are really fresh ( like; the salad is growing in the garden of the restaurant. It hasn’t had a long trip to get to you. for instance; I live in France and my salad is inported from Greece… I’m wandering away from my subject.)
am I the only one not eating cereals? *crying* being a black sheep 😉
Thank you for your reply!
Dawnkeeper
You. Are. Amazing. I would love to talk sometime? You will find my email in the comments tab next to one of my posts… 🙂 x.
Am I? Why?
You don’t know me. and I suck. hard. :$
If you would know me you would run. period.
How are you *chancing the subject*??
😀
xx
Dawnkeeper
I miss you Amakua.
<3 Dawn
Hey Amakua,
No I like it. Dawn. D. yep, that’s me.
Yeah it would be awesome if you could explain to me. I have read a lot about autism and did a lot of tests on the internet. A friend of mine has autism and he says I’m not. ( and that the tests on internet are bullshit) My “ex†– who I was on the same page with- said the same thing. And still I feel like I have autism. And borderline. And depression. And all the stuff I wrote down. I just don’t feel normal.
I’m so sorry for you you had such an ass-youth… I really am. Why are people having kids when they are screwed up themselves? Or didn’t your family rape you? ( I’m so sorry if it hurts you to think about it!) I can’t understand why people have kids. ( no offence) Kids need a save environment. Kids need love. Kids need so much. Why can’t they understand that they are not made to have children if they are fucked up? Okay, I know I’m 18 and “youngâ€, but I just know that I’m not meant to be to have kids. I know I can’t give them all I want them to have. I can give them love, but at the moment they are going to scream or yell, I will lock them up, or scream myself.
Just saying… I don’t understand people.
I don’t get the part of your nearly death experience, like… You died and you saw what hell was like? You’ve been in hell? Did you saw God? ( or don’t you believe in Him?) That’s another point… I’m Christian, and I’m afraid God will hate me if I commit suicide. That he will send me to hell and let me burn there for ever. I believe in heaven and hell. I just can not picture it. It’s almost idyllic. … running around in white cloths on a cloud, running to Father…. Sound of musical like.
But hell… I think hell… is like a flame. But I can not imagine that God will send you there, cause He has this unfailing love going on. I can not imagine God will send you to hell because you’re gay (bi), killed his temple ( your body) or killed yourself ( these are my things, though). What do you think?
I am all the things you wrote there… but I don’t really get the point of being diagnosed (with anything, for that matter). So, you know you have Borderline, Autism, or whatever… so what? What then? You sticker a label on your forehead with “I have Borderline, be gentle� The world doesn’t give a shit if you have something they should be gentle with, I think. But then again… If you know what you ‘have’ you can get therapy or something to help dealing with it. I don’t know…
Yey! I’m not a black sheep. Why did it matter to her, do you know that? And why didn’t it for you??
Eh, yeah. Sure I am! I’m so thankfull of ‘having’ you… sounds weird, but I mean it. I’ve read a lot of you comments past half a year and you always say things that matter. You’re awesome! We ( the people who post stuff) are glad to have you here… at least… I am 😀
Dawn
Good Morning Dawn,
Now don’t those words work well together?…lol. Nice to see you this morning. Let’s get the autism thing put to bed first…shall we?
The thing that most Aspie’s thrive on is routine and order….and my grandmother was a perfectionist…taught me most of my coping skills….she always says….no matter what the problem is…just take an aspirin and keep moving…she is now 95 and still living on her own, driving, gardening, shopping…volunteer work …active social life…a real role model…only problem…she hated me for the first 45 years of my life. But we are now closer than ever….I went against my therapists edict and confronted her 5 years ago…and she has an even sharper memory than I do…so she can validate my own memories…a real gift. Recently she confirmed that I was “born miserable”…and I know this is true…and then I asked her…”If I was born that way…how can it have been MY fault?”….a lot of healing going on in my family…finally.
My mother and her family were all educators…so the biggest help came from my mother…she insisted that I was not only normal…but that I act normal…so I know how to act…if I must…I just don’t always understand it. My father was a successful business man…so social situations were a constant for me…and I was constantly challenged to do better and learn new things. Reverse psychology definitely worked on me…my mom would just say…oh you can’t do that…and I would master it. That is the foundation….and seriously…coming home with 99% and being all proud…top marks always…except when I had my own mother as a teacher for one year…lol..and my dad(my hero)…would say…well that’s good but what happened to the other mark….seriously…but they didn’t do this with any of the other 4…but then I am not even close to the smartest in my family. I guess I just took everything in life as a challenge…I really did just want to be like everyone else…and instead of spending my life on career…I spent it on life…I loved menial jobs…left me more time to think…and I was a waitress for 25 years…and I loved it and was the best…this is how I learned my social skills and understanding social cues…facial expressions…etc. So how did I overcome my Asperger’s issues…the ones that I have….my family refused to believe there was anything wrong with me…and thank God for that….several years ago…my doctor told me that if my mother had taken me for help when I was 3 or 4…I would have been institutionalized and had no life….that is when the real healing began….I had always blamed my mother for my sorry life…because she refused to get me help…but we understand PDD’s and autism much more now than in the 60’s…lol. And eventually I just accepted that I am not normal…and now I don’t want to be. The label never really worked for me….but my daughter….it allowed her to understand and face her challenges…and not take it personally….not they hate me…but they don’t understand me…and she is learning coping skills at an amazing rate….she went from having no friends and being bullied every day for years…to a fairly popular kid…who doesn’t agree with social conventions. I just taught her the same way as my mom and dad and Nan taught me…focus on what you can do…not so much on what you can’t do…and never give up…and never quit trying….so my biggest asset in my life was my stubborness…lol…not so much anymore…tends to get in my way. I personally think that soon…we will all be Aspies…lol
And no I was not molested by an immediate family member…thank God for that…I have seen how much damage that does…for the most part I was abandoned, neglected, and abused…..by everyone…but that just made me fight back…and I’m still fighting….I have no regard for my own safety when I see an injustice done to another….I have physically intervened in domestic disputes…saved a druggie or two from a beat down….my friends tell me I’m gonna get myself killed one day…who’s scared of that?…lol…but if the neighbour is beating his wife…I will be at his door…I know silly…but I can’t help myself…one of my univ. profs said I would make a damn fine social advocate….but I’m really just a scrapper at heart…I came into this world fighting mad…and I’ll probably leave it just the same way…hahaha.
But the thing that keeps me going is all my kids…I have 3 natural children and dozens more wild ones…lol…I have raised more than my fair share for sure…32 years worth so far…I get the runaways…the misfits…and I just love them better…oh yeah…and push them too. I now have 4 grandchildren…I lost a grandson in Oct…sigh…and I can’t wait for great grands…the others are getting too old to play anymore…but that is my therapy…take the kids on an adventure….into the creek…build a dam…build a shelter…build a fantasy…oh yeah…and my favourite …yes I have one….is my grandson Aiden…he is almost 10 and he has mod. functioning autism…and GAD….we relate if you know what I mean…and we both love to get dirty and bring order into chaos…he is the best little dam builder…lol…and the older ones have asked for hip waders or rubber boots for Easter…so it looks like I’ll be better soon….back to nature. That is why I am still here and have made it this far….children…I just wish I could protect more…and teach them about magic and wonder and joy….the things that children don’t get much anymore…like I’ve said…in Canada…they are starting to teach sex ed in Grade 1 now…5 and 6 years old…the problem is…we’re fine…it’s the frigging world that is insane!!!
And now I’ll prove I’m insane as well…lol…during my NDE’s…I have had several…I never met God…God is a construct or an idea to represent “All That IS”…so no old dude with a flowing beard on a giant throne…but I could have seen that if I had wanted to….but I needed truth…not delusion…so I went to Source…the Alpha and Omega if you will…again just constructs to explain an idea that has no explanation in this reality…with these brains atleast. The God of this World…is Satan…the God that Jesus referred to is in Shambalah…the next dimension…or for the space freaks…The Ashtar Command…lol…and yes I have been to the Halls of Shamballah. The next God…in the next dimension…well you get the point…but ultimately…the creator/destroyer…is the True God…Source…All That Is…The Thing in No Thing…whatever term you wish to use…if you wish to use any. God is not anything…but all things…male/female…large/small…all things…God is the Creative force in the universe…and there is an opposite in the Void…and yes I have been to void as well…my first NDE at the age of 3…and again when I danced in the fire at 15…and have walked the razors edge between the realities for 25 years…but made my choice when I died in 2001. I chose to come back and finish…and yes I was given a choice even then…but not everyone has memory of these occurences…how pissed off do you think unsuccessful suicides would be if they knew they chose to come back and finish?…lmao…we always have a choice…but once free of our brains…we think and feel differently…in the next dimension…I could go on for ever…and you would just think I was nuts….but I have lived a strange life for sure…and never easy…but I have also maintained my capacity for JOY…along the way. And I never quit laughing for long….usually at the absurdness of myself and my world…but laugh none the less.
So long story short…yeah right…I was born and raised in the Baptist church…made my own choices from an early age and have practiced and enjoyed many religions and belief systems…but after my last NDE…I have no further use for organized religion of any kind…I am just beyond that…not that religion…funny how it’s an institution just like the nut hut…lol…is a bad thing necessarily…but it only teaches you(the common man) about the God of this world…and use truth to enslave us…now Jesus…I love Jesus…but I met him on the pathway of pain…and he doesn’t like religion either…he was the Way to the next God…the higher good if you will.
In the end…it doesn’t matter which way you travel…all life has purpose…and continues…..eternally…and you can’t ever escape yourself…your true self….no matter where you go…there you are. Have you met Jesus? Are you religious?
And what the heck is wrong with black sheep…lol…remember…baa baa black sheep have you any wool?…yes sir yes sir…three bags full….I got three full bags of black wool and it’s value is unestimable…I love black sheep. And my three bags full are full of love…one for my master (God)…one for my Dame (self) and one for the little boy that cries down the lane…(God’s children)…so what’s wrong with black sheep?…I say nothing!!!…lol
Well how’s that for a novella? sorry….sigh…lol
Here is the recipe for success
Live, Learn, Love and Laugh…always laugh
And forgiveness…especially for yourself…we always do the best we can with what we have and what we know…but forgive yourself for not always knowing…that is what we are hear to learn…we aren’t supposed to be perfect…just learning…to BE
Namaste
Amakua
hey there Amakua,
You make my days a bit brighter, you know?
Since my last post I can only think of methods. methods to die. to hurt. to kill. to murder.
I have worked 2 overfull days ( 10h a day) and I’m tired as hell. But I couldn’t sleep last night. I haven’t had the energy to write you back yet, but I will. I just wanted to let you know I didn’t kill myself yet. I wrote my “last will” last night. felt like I had to do so, may I get so crazy…
Tomorrow school starts again ( I had vacation for a week) and now True Hell starts again..
I have too much homework and I don’t give a fuck about my study, you know?
ugh. I’m sorry for being such a whiney *****.
So weird… even when I”m on SP I want to pokerface. I want to say every things okay and wave things away. Gosh… being in the hotel business makes me so freaking FAKE.
Hate it. so. much. Can’t express, can’t be who I am.
Piercings? nope
Tatoos? nope
Wear my beloved hat in school? nope
‘Cause you are being educated for hotel manager. You have to look representative’
F THAT SHIT!
being at work reminds me of my ‘ex’. Every single day I’m there I hope seeing him. ( I met him there. He was doing his internship there)
being at work reminds me of pushing myself harder and harder till I fall down crying, because I’m the boss’ daughter and I have to know everything and work even harder than the rest. with a FAKE-BRIGHT-SMILE, of course.
I can’t work without instructions all the time. I just don’t know/see or remember what to do. It drives me crazy, my coworkers and my manager too.
I feel so injured, stupid and just really retarded.
EVERY DAY! 🙁
But… how are you doing, my angel?
Dawn
OMG Dawn,
That explains everything…lmao…working in the hospitality industry…lol. So how come they won’t let you work in the kitchen? Remember…my Dad was a successful business man…and as a difficult child…I spent most of my childhood working…even as a toddler….I would stamp pamphlets and flyers and clean for literally…jelly beans and pop out of the magic dispensers…and just happy that I didn’t have to share with my siblings…lol. My mom quickly taught me how to do invoicing and billing and before I was in the double digits I was doing her job as a bookkeeper once a month…on top of keeping the house in order…and still I roamed and had more time to think than was good for me. My Mom was the treasurer for our church…want to guess who did the envelopes and books every Sunday night???…lol…not my Mom I started working for others at the age of 9. My Mom decided to become a youth volunteer(scouts)…but guess who had to make all the phone calls?…yup…and I was terrified of speaking to strangers and more terrified of talking on the phone…i dunno…who understands phobias? I was taught to be the perfect hostess for all of our business guests…up to and including being ordered to play the piano on request…did I tell you that my Dad was a drinker?…lol.
I think the first time I ever publicly was myself…it more than paid them back….and they haven’t stopped laughing since…not even Dad…and he’s been gone for 15 years. They always drove me to excel…to be self sufficient…to speak out…to do my best…to try new things…well I did. But the best was a public speaking contest in public school…lol…I wrote the speech with no intentions of ever actually giving it…but I liked to write…can you tell?…lol. So I wrote my speech…memorized it and submitted it…and was chosen to compete for my school…boy did that ever cause a lot of anxiety…but someone told me to just pretend that I was someone else…someone confident that had something important to say…but I had always acted like that…so I decided to be myself…lol….and I won first place for my school. So then I went on to district competition…and again won….so now for regional…this is a big deal…so the parents were there…they had to take me…but my Dad never came to anything…but he was there that day. I was a dwarf…and I’m not being mean…I really was…strange…but this little mite of a thing…but boy did I have an awesome voice….loud and clear…my true voice if you will….had only heard it while singing…never speaking…but when I sing…I am alone…even in the choir…lol. Any hoo…my turn comes and up I get…they had to find something for me to stand on so I could see the top of the podium…I told them I didn’t need the microphone…and I didn’t…lol…and I started…well my speech was on the first time I saw a UFO and my experiences that night….I was 9…lol…but there were no proud parents in the audience going hey that’s my kid…nope….they were sneaking out the back door…lmao.
And as I told you I worked in the hospitality industry for over 25 years…the truth is my whole effin’ life…always pretending…so I get that for sure….but I mastered it…the problem came when I could no longer work in that field…what to do with all my personalities?…lol…but I have also been a free spirit…no social conventions for the likes of me…and did this cause problems with my family?…they have disowned me several times…but now?…I am the favourite…lol.
I hate to be the cause of family disharmony…but don’t live for your family…live for yourself….have you ever read The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran…when the prophet speaks on children….I believe this.
On Children
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
And as I have always told my own children…be happy and be successful humans…that is all that is required. I don’t care if you are a doctor, a lawyer…or a garbageman…find joy in your work…and in your life. And if you ever have to take a job you don’t like to make your way in the world…remember they only own you for 40 hours a week…and make sure you are true and kind to yourself the other 80 hours. And it’s not that you can’t remember…it’s that you don’t want to…it is unimportant…so what is important to you?…if you could do anything and not worry about money….what would you do with the next say 10 years? Any thoughts?
One more thing I’ll leave you…you may have seen it…if so sorry…but it is my all time favourite….I painted it into a mural in my apartment. Will put in a separate comment…you will have to mediate.
And btw…who says I don’t like whiny bitches?…I is one…lol
Live, Learn, Love and Laugh
Amakua
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbwXwR3ETm0
Good afternoon Amakua,
I am going to react on all the other posts, so hold on, get some coffee and a cookie and seat yourself down on your sofa ( Like the Romans had :D)…
I think that was awesome, that ‘Good Morning Dawn’. Those words really work well together. On paper and in meaning… it’s strong. Somehow.
I must have routine and order, but I get bored really fast, so that doesn’t work well. My mother has the same method as your grandmother… but it pisses me off real quick. “just keep going, just keep goingâ€. Did it work for you when she said it to you? What did she taught you to cope?
She is a really healthy woman then, wow. Why did she hate you? I think it’s weird for a grandma to hate her grandchild… isn’t it?
I think it’s really brave you did confront her… must have taken lots of power, blood sweat and tears… Born miserable? Why? ( I know I have. I’ve been born 3 moths earlier than planned, I wasn’t planned after all… but being born too soon has damaged my brain, though.) yey for healing! Better late then never… you can’t insist someone to ‘be normal’. If you have Aspies or what ever, you have that ‘disease/gift’… can’t just ‘be normal’. You can give help to make life easier… but it sounds kinda harsh to say that a person ‘has to be/act normal’ isn’t it? – or maybe it wasn’t that harsh but I interpret it that way…
HA! That worked for me too. Reverse psychology, but afer a while you’re getting the trick and I was like ‘ha, never again I’m falling for that joke!’ but it’s awesome it worked for you. That you would really do things and master it. You indeed took everything as a challenge. Maybe that’s the key. +1 point for you! Love the way that you spend your energy on life and not on career. What does menial mean? Why did you loved it so much? Being a waitress? .. haha. Facial expressions. I’m seeing that one… ‘Goodmornin’ sir, what can I do for you?’- with a too-tight-smile… it can be real… sometimes.
O NOZ. My mom refuses that too, but it doesn’t work… yeah. That’s true, though. I think if my mom believed the docters I actually be handicapped. ( they said I had to be in a wheelchair my whole life (“I’m afraid, sir, that your daughter can’t play hockey.†– he literally asked that) and that they should have been happy ( – is this scentence allright?) if I could get to high school junior. ( I’m confused about the schoolsystem of yours) like, I needed to go to a school for special education.
True story. I blame my mom too for a lot of things. I blame myself for the most part, but.. yeah. You get my point. She did gave me help. She took me to a lot of white coats and psychological-persons…
You’re special the way you are. Normal is a fluid concept, by the way. What’s normal? I’m glad you excepted yourself. That’s a strong one. They don’t understand me… so they can’t even hate me. – by the way. Today… someone bitched at me behind my back ( like… literally!) about my size 16/18… okay. I’m not that skinny..okay I’m fat. But arg. Like… you don’t have to tell my I’m fat, I KNOW it…-
Why do you think that? I think people are getting more and more ‘illnesses’ and diseases because of stress. Of the high-pressure everybody puts on everyone. On life.
Well, I’m glad to hear that… not that it’s any better being raped by some other dumb-fuck, but still.. You sound like… wow. You’re so strong, smart and amazing. Fighter. I’m sure you get a place in Heaven if you’re killed by saving people… so you don’t need a reason to be scared, I think. You could make a great social advocate I think…
You sound so loving about your kids.. it’s so touching… really.
OMG! Really? To 5/6 years olds? My GOD. First I was bicycling and I saw a group of 6 kids, like 7 years old ‘jerk him off, suck him’ I was like ‘WUT?!’ I couldn’t believe it.
I think you’re right. We’re okay, but the world is going MAD. Haha, yes you will.
I have the feeling I should tell about my vision about God. As I said, I’m a Christian ( but I’m not perfect. I don’t wear long-long skirts, I’m –sadly-not a virgin anymore, I smoke, I drink… so I’m no… Jesus-freak you meet at the catholic church. – no offence-)… okay… my vision;
God created the world. – the end, no… serious.- Humans wore being tempted and misled by Satan. ( don’t laugh, I mean it.) God send Jesus to make the world free from sin/Satan again… but people suck… so Satan took over the world again. I think there are more ‘Gods’ because He said ‘I’m the most-high God’ or something, somewhere in the bible. So there you come in with your story; You have demensions. But I really don’t know how to see it. I think everybody is a little God, because we were created by Him. But we can also be evil, if we let the Devil in. But there will always be the stamp ‘MADE BY GOD’. I believe people made Satan the ‘God’/devil of this world. The world is a satanic ( is that a word?) place. People are far from God. People are totally fucked. … you get my point. ( what’s the ‘Void’?.. like the place if you know if God sends you to heaven or hell? It sounds like it…)
LMAO, yeah. I think that those people are going to be really pissed off. But I wonder… how do you know why you’re here? If you failed and you have to come back ( or choose to) How do you know your mission? Ow yeah… my parents are Catholic, but only with the money. They basically believe in everything – Buddha is being the ‘king’ of the last years- except God and Jesus. – Which I obviously do.- My mom even threaded to kick me out if I would ‘expose her to something so Devilish’… really. True story.
What you say there… is totally true. The church brainwashes people and enslaves us. I don’t believe in religion. But I do believe in Jesus and God. – that’s why I called myself a Christian. – Jesus is the Way to God. I truly believe that. Because I experienced it. I want to escape from this world, cause I believe all my shit, all who I am, what I do, have done etc. Is caused by this world. This huge satanistic fucked up world. I believe when I leave this place I will be my SOUL. My true self. Me who can’t be ‘defined’ by hair color, hobbies, lengths, fat, likes/dislikes ( do you get it?) so when I leave I will be at peace because I wont have all that shit from this world anymore. I’m just my soul and nothing more. Or burn in hell, because God may hate me. I’m not sure what to answer at ‘have you met Jesus’… When I was younger I felt People, ghosts, angels… I felt Jesus when I was 13, at summercamp. I felt so alone, laying on the grass in the dark. All of a sudden I felt a warm blanket around me. Felt like wings protected me. I knew this was Jesus. I just knew. I have a few, but I can’t remember so fast… The last once… I said to a friend, crying ‘I’m so fat. Stupid ugy he hates me blabla’, the next day I ran in to an other friend and she invited me for the Youth evening from the church. I said yes without thinking, I knew I had to go there. The speech just did it. ‘God loves you. Even if you think you are fat,stupid, ugly… even if you think God hates you… he loves you’ something like that. It just… blew my mind. How could he know what I have said yesterday? And the night for Christmas I cried ( I know, I cry a lot) to Jesus why he left me, why I wasn’t worth it…at Christmas I went to church with friends and the guy behind me started praying loudly. I was like ‘UGH. STOP IT’, the next day he said to my friend that Jesus loved me and that he wants me. That he cares.
I LOVE THAT SONG…. I just heared it from you. But I do love it. I have to learn how to be. One day I wrote in my workbook ‘I need to learn how to be a tree’. I think you can imagine why. They are so calm. They are strong. They have a beautifull vibe. They just ARE. They don’t move. They don’t need career. School. They are just happy. Being.
It explains a lot, doesn’t it? Because it’s too heavy work. Only men can work in the kitchen at ‘our’ hotel. It’s that heavy. And I think they don’t like women because they whine a lot. Having their period, blabla.
I’m so sorry Amakua, I want to go on with writing, but it’s 22.30u almost and I need to shower and sleep. I need sleep so badly. School sucked today. Again.
A random guy bitched about my weight. But it gives me joy and relief to write about life, about things… I like it. I will answer your other post SOON. That song was amazig by the way. Thanks! <3
Dawn
oh by the way.. the camp; http://www.eomega.org/omega/teencamp/ … may be interesting for your daughter… <3
Wow…well aren’t you full of sunshine Dawn
My turn for the novel?…lol…another one like me…it’s gonna drive em nutz on the comments page.
Well…no cookies…ate them yesterday…but my daughter brought me dinner…sole…ick…but I ate it….not too bad…and a big ass salad…every green thing you can imagine…drowned in Zesty Italian…mmm…and then I am going to have a poor man’s chocolate cheesecake later for desert…no couch..so my office chair it will have to be…but under no circumstances are there to be any Romans….they already killed me once or twice …lol.
Ah…my relationship with my grandmother or lack of one for most of my life…well…we’ve since talked about it….and she explained…and I thought it was hysterical…and then I told her I hoped she didn’t spend too much time worrying about it…lol…but I was a difficult child…and hard to deal with …so I spent a lot of time with the men in my family…went to work with my Dad from the age of 3….my Buppa was the only one who ever told me that he loved me…called me Buppa’s girl…I think he had Aspergers as well…but undiagnosed…but he was blind so pensioned off fairly young…course he died pretty young as well…oh well…but yep the men…my Dad, my Buppa, my Granddad, brother…and one very special other mother…Flo. She was a stay at home mom that took me in in a way….she just turned 81 last week.
Did the advice help?…well yes and no…you have to know when to move…and you also have to know when to be still….so it was only half the equation…the half I needed the least at the time…but has gone on to serve me well in my life more recently especially. I mean why keep doing the same things over and over again and expecting something to change…so we also need time for quiet, solitude and reflection…otherwise are we really learning…or just being programmed?
Soo 3 months premature eh?….what issues has that caused for you…I mean everyone’s different….I remember meeting a girl in school…named Sue…she was beautiful…you know…her smile reached her eyes…and she told me that she was under 2 pounds when she was born…and not expected to live…showed me the doll clothes she was brought home from the hospital in finally…wow…but especially in 1960…tiny babies didn’t survive…I think she was 1 pound…7 ounces…came home at 4 pounds…anyway…she was the brightest smartest kindest soul I have probably ever met….but she was bullied for sure…because she was a giant…seriously…something about the throid not developing properly…and hormones and such…but she was already 6 feet tall by Grade 5…they did surgery and stopped her growth…thank God…and she has some skeletal issues…but otherwise…no real issues…hormones…yup. So what issues did your start cause for you and how have you overcome them?
A menial job is low pay…low skill. And no one ever saw the miserable me…lawd no…they say my smile reached my eyes when I was feeling fine…but always smiled and laughed…always. Reminds me of a song from childhood…will post a link on another comment if I can find it…lol
I guess we don’t really have special education here so much…everyone is pretty much mainstreamed with additional help when necessary…and all classrooms have a teacher and a teachers aide. Some children also have their own aides and curriculums.
I agree with you 100% about the stress…and when we can’t take any more…we take it out on others…who can’t take any more…lol
I am sorry that you feel like you are fat…all my aunts, my mom, my sisters, my daughters are big women…but not fat…well except for one aunt… my grandmother, myself, and my oldest granddaughter have the opposite issue…we struggle to keep weight on …yeah I know…no sympathy for the likes of me…lol…but it is a struggle for sure….I personally think that skinny is icky…I hate being skinny…but I have no natural appetite…and then the whole thyroid thing…it’s genetic…I just got the other way…so I am quite happy today…I have put almost half the weight I recently lost…back on…I was weighed for the first time today in ????who knows…only another 15 pounds to go…sigh.
The truth is we all have a place reserved in Heaven…I’ve just been lucky enough to get a preview…but it is always a choice…there is also a place reserved in the Void…my word for what we think of as Hell…the abyss…and then of course there is the hellish existence as sentient beings in this world….and a god for this world also. And yes he is Satan..the Watcher…the fallen angel…and his brothers and their offspring…the Nephilim…the heroes of old that are the gods of this world…We learn this in Genesis…but I am not a Christian…and neither was Jesus…how could he be…it didn’t exist until 300 years after he was born…and Jesus had a strong distaste for organized religion as a whole…he was more esoteric….and most of his teachings come to us from Buddhism and many other beliefs…kind of like the kernel of truth in all…and in essence…Jesus was Gnostic…have you read any of the Nag Hammadi texts?….my favourites are the Book of Enoch..the Book of Thomas..and the Book of Mary…but they are all interesting and enlightening…and talk about the God within man….etc…this is Gnosticism…and that is what I claim to be…a Gnostic…but I was raised in the church…just grew beyond it…and that is when I found Jesus…
So I checked out the camp…even though we are in Canada here…and now I want to go to camp…lol…what were your favorite topics…me I’m a nature lover here. Which seminars did you participate in? And also…are you able to cook at home?…if so that will have to suffice until you are ready to take control of your own life…and try something else…until then…it may help you get through a little easier…do you prefer to bake or cook? And did I recommend the book “The Kitchen Daughter”?…it is fiction…but it is full of cooking imagery…poetry…recipes…kitchen tips…and an amazing story to boot…I loved it…you should see if you can find it in your library.
Well I think that should just about cover my chapter…can’t wait for your next submission…lol
Live, Learn, Love and Laugh
Amakua
will post link for song if I can find it…you will have to moderate tho
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1dkTrNH92Y
I’m at school, having my lunchbreak… but I just gotta tell you…
You made my day… You make me smile so friggin’ bad 🙂
<3 Dawn
You bring back memories of the cold, luncheon hall, where the dinner ladies look slightly scary and the food incredibly bland. As I sat alone, cold and hungry.
Im at work and these days I can barely afford a sandwich. I just wonder around town, alone, cold and hungry.
What has changed in 10 years. Nothing much, just me.
Good Morning Dawn,
Where the heck in the world are you?…lunch?…it isn’t even time to take the grandkids to school yet here….I just fed and watered them…lol. So big guess…UK?…lol…hope you have a better day at school…maybe talk later?…hmmm?
Good Afternoon Mr. Elusive,
Hows tricks today?….I am not ignoring your last e-mail…I’m just about 2 days behind on my correspondence and calls….but I’m on it…I swear. So do you think your robin will lay eggs? And is there anyway when it happens you could take a picture for me…just watch out for the mama bird when the time comes…lol…they are vicious if their young are threatened…but while she’s off getting food?…maybe…when do they start to nest(lay eggs) in England? and if you really want to romance the mama bird…just turn a patch of soil now and again…to bring the worms to the surface…and maybe throw a few worms and grubs on the surface for even handier bird shopping…lol
Lots of Love to All
Amakua
I can’t really see it. I will try and take a photo but it’s high up.
Just be careful…I wouldn’t want to lose you to a robin…after all this time…lol
Love ya
I really am going to respond on all of the above, but I just gotta say this;
1. amakua; LMFAO… *rolling on the floor laughing*… me living in the UK… I would really be an analphabetic or something close to it.
2. I went to my dad’s an hour ago… just came home… he has insulted me for an hour, and he didn’t even noticed! :
me: ‘I don’t like this newspaper, it’s boring’ – getting another one laying on the table- ‘Now.. I like this one. more pictures, more expression’.
dad: ‘well… this newspaper’ -holding in hands- ‘is for smart people’
WTF!? like… WTF!!!!!
dad: ‘smart people don’t care about sensation. don’t care about lay-out… it’s about the story’
…. it didn’t only contained that conversation… he’s just so… every time I’m there he just makes my blood cook. and breaks me a little more…
dad: ‘yeah, me and ***, his new wife/girlfriend, are going on a diet, WE can do that. WE have discipline’ …
dad: how was school?
me: ‘meh. okay, I quess’
dad: how did you like the gathering friday?
me ‘meh, okay I quess’
*He knows I friggin hate school and that I hate familygatherings*
dad: ‘well, I’m glad everything’s okay’ – totally sarcastic and bitching about me not jumping in the air saying life’s amazing and fun. … have to be fake around him will I satisfy him… but since I think… 2 years… i refuse to doll-face-
My emotions swing by the minute. one minute I’m totally happy cause a friend texted me he loves me, and the next my dad bitches at me and my world’s tumbling down…. anyways… that was my contribution for today…
<3 Dawn