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I just don’t know what to do

by Alaric
written by Alaric

Hello,

I’m suicidal, I have an active plan and the means to carry it out.  I really am just tired of life.  I’m married and am concerned about the impact my suicide will have on my wife.  I am all she has.  Her family has basically disowned her because they don’t like me.  I guess if I’m out of the picture, she could go back to them.  I have paranoid schizopherina and major depression.  I’m medicated, but its like the medication isn’t working.  I try talking to my wife about my suicidal thoughts, but then she starts talking about putting me in a hospital.  I’ve attempted suicide 12 times in my life, been hospitalized 9 times for it.  So the hospital doesn’t really scare me.  Part of me thinks I belong in a hospital at least for a little while.  But then my wife says to me, “you don’t want to go in the hospital”.  I am so confused.  What I really want is to die, but I’m worried about those I would leave behind.  Worried what it would do to my wife if I committed suicide.  I’m 47 years old.  My wife is 28, she has a full life ahead of her yet.  I’m tired.  Really tired of living.  Not getting ahead in life, barely keeping my head above water.  I just want to die.  I’ve told my therapist about my intentions and he even agrees that going in the hospital wouldn’t be a bad thing for me at this point, but I resisted him.  Telling him, “I’m not going to kill myself today”.  But I want to.  I really want to.  I only wish my wife would understand how much pain I’m in right now.  Realize what I’m going through.  Realize that everything is not about her, and not try to rationalize things in how it affects her.  I just want to die, and don’t want to think about it any more.  I just want her to understand that I’m in emotional pain right now.  I just want to die and not leave any lose ends.  Does any of this make sense to anyone?  Does anyone understand what I’m going through right now?

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4 comments

eatmyheartout 2/9/2012 - 2:39 pm

sorry to hear this, i may not have lived on earth for a long time but there’s more waiting for you,and she may not fully understand your pain but just imagine how it would crush her if you commit suicide,you have to resist this urge..if not for the rest..
at least try,for her.

GaryUK 2/9/2012 - 4:48 pm

Yes it does.
Mental Hospitals are just boring places to be…No stimulation & the food is crap. Your better off at home as you spend all your time battling the system trying to get out of the hospital. Everyone has pain & it`s how we deal with it that counts. I understand what your going through and it would be easier if the pain would just go away & that`s where suicide comes in. If your dead then YOU will feel NO pain. But, the people you leave behind WILL, that`s for sure. I don`t know what country your in & I don`t know what the hospitals are like in your country but they are rubbish in the UK. Depressing places that are full of people that have issues or are misunderstood. The medical profession just want to medicate everyone & they don`t have open minds. They just want to label you…….
Keep your chin up mate and try and stay away from that hospital unless you fancy some shit food…..

Missunderstood0307 2/9/2012 - 7:48 pm

Hey,

I can by no means relate to everything you said. But I do feel that you should be in a hospital. Paranoid Schizophrenia is a very difficult and overwhelming condition. I can imagine how a person might lose their grasp on reality. I think your wife loves you. Its too bad that her family disowned her, but she loves you and that is why she stayed with you. I think you can get better with therapy. You should tell her about your suicidal thoughts and that you do not feel safe and admit yourself to the hospital. She can still visit and take care of you.

I understand that this isn’t about her, this is about you. I can certainly relate to the pain. I feel it too, but for different reasons. I am sick too. The thing is your wife really does care about you and that’s why she isn’t leaving. You cannot just say that it will make her life better and easier. That shouldn’t be one of your justifications. But I get it! You can’t live in pain forever and you just want the torment to end. You just want to give up. I am there too. But if you can, try to go to the hospital and exhaust all means.

I hope this helps!

Freeman Wang 9/21/2017 - 2:36 am

I get it brother! I am so sorry you are going through so much pain, and married. I am going through the same…can’t get my head above water

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