I’m 23, I’ve been suicidal since I was 11. I don’t really know how it feels not to be depressed, I guess. Being this way has been its own vicious cycle. When I’m sad, I drive away the people I love. When I drive away the people I love, I feel worse. Then there is the other stuff, you know, letting people down just by being disappointing. Letting myself down too. I hate myself. I like to think that if suddenly some person came along and loved me unconditionally, it’d change things, but I know that isn’t true. I know what I am supposed to do: Let go of the past, love myself, and then the floodgates will open and in will pour the support and acceptance I’ve wanted since I was old enough to realize I didn’t have it.
Here’s what is getting me down these days
About two years ago I became really good friends with a group of girls online, people who I text-based roleplayed with. It started out the three of us, then became four. By a year ago I considered them my best friends. They were pretty much my tether to my sense of self-worth. Being around them was not only the highlight of my life, it was pretty much just like, my life. It was just awesome. I never laughed so much, I never felt so connected. I really felt like I belonged. I used to reflect on it, how great it was to have these friends that I felt so close to–lame, I know, but I totally did. I just felt like, this was it, my place in the world. Silly I guess.
I fucked it up, anyway. I got upset about some really stupid RP-related thing with the newest girl to come into the fold,Â and as a consequence another pretty much lost all respect for me and stopped caring entirely. Since she had started out as the friend in common for all of us and was sort of the focal point that kept us all talking regularly as a group (at least from my point of view), once she stopped caring, I just sort of stopped mattering. It was gradual, it took about three months to really become totally obvious that the situation was beyond repair. I started to get ignored more in group chats, not even invited the rest of the time, only talked to about RP stuff when it was necessary, etc. It was just like. Wow it was just the most fucking gutting experience I’ve had in recent memory, which I suppose makes me pretty lucky. I tried to sleep through each day as soon as I knew it wasn’t going to be the one to “change things”. If I got ignored then I just took a sleeping pill, went to bed, and hoped tomorrow would be different. It didn’t happen though. Eventually I realized trying to stay friends with them all was causing me more grief than separating myself would be. So that’s what I did.
It was my own fault. I’d probably already ruined it by weighing everyone down with my suicidal/depressed shit before that anyway, so maybe it was just one of the last straws. I’m sure by the end I wasn’t any fun to talk to. I can’t really blame her for not giving a shit about me. I only talk to one of them at all now and she’s got a great life going so there isn’t a lot of time–and I try not to purge all of my ludicrous self-loathing onto her, since it’s not her problem, and I’m fairly certain it hasn’t done me any favors in the past. I really miss them, and the group, and the feeling and whatever. Just the whole thing. It’s like this huge aching I can’t shake off. I really hate myself for fucking it up. Fuck. Sometimes I think about how it’d be if I could get ahold of some magical time traveling computer (lollamesthumanbeingalive) and get onto my IM a couple years ago and just talk to them again like before, and feel good again. Even briefly would be fine.
So that’s the major thing.
But there’s so much shit, I wouldn’t know where to start. I’ve driven so many people away. I’m nearly impossible to talk to when I get really depressed. Right now the guy I love is somewhere out there thinking about, I can only guess, how to tell me that we can’t work out as anything romantic because I’m too frustrating and a burden or what the fuck ever. I honestly can’t blame him. He’d be very right if he thought so.
So what it boils down to is that I want to die because I’m stuck. I’m in counseling and I’ve been trying for a really long time now to fix myself, and to see worth in me, and be less annoying and worth more and just a better person. I feel hopeless because there doesn’t seem to be a way to stop this. I feel like I will always be the thing that stands in my own way, and as such I will never get the sense of love and belonging I need so fucking badly. So I’ll just keep cycling around like a broken record, waiting for the momentum to run out.
Sorry this blog post sucks. I’m usually a better writer, I don’t know why I suck tonight.