I’m a girl.
Who loves another girl.
That love another girl.
But no one knows that I like girls.
Because I have a boyfriend. That I love.
I’m being crazy.
I don’t know what to do.
I haven’t posted in a while… Â I guess thats because I haven’t had anything to post about. Â Sure I’ve felt like shit basically every day since my last post but I didn’t know why. But today? Â Today is different. Â Why? Â You make ask. Â Because these two girls in my class decided to treat me like shit, but then again what else is new. Â Anyway over the year we get a weekly packet that we do for homework and a daily sheet we have to do everyday. Â At the end of the year, (Tuesday) we have to turn in a binder with certain things from through out the year. Â I was organizing my binder today and I threw out the papers I didn’t need. Â But these two girls in my class saw and they were just like. Â “Um… You need those in your binder to get a good grade.” Â So I just looked up at them (I was sitting on the floor to have enough space) and just said, “No I don’t. Â I recycled those because I don’t need them. Â I have extras of things because I accidentally grabbed more than one, I know what I need and what I don’t.” Â They then proceeded to TAKE the papers out of the recycling and start going through them. Â I mean, who does that?! Â Of course then they told me EVERY little paper that I threw away! Â Which of course I didn’t need. Â So I got mad and I… Â I yelled at them? Â So one of the girls looks at the other and says, “Whatever lets just leave her. Â She can a fucken bad grade if she wants to.” Â So what did I do after that? Â I walked out of the room and cried. Â Yeah me for being over emotional… 🙂 Â So thats my depressing story of the day. Â Sorry for forcing you to listen to that… I mean read…
You. Yes, YOU! You need to blow off steam like an overworked, piston pounding engine about to explode. Do not bottle up your emotions, or they will shatter the container as if it was flung against the wall. You must air out your dirty laundry or it will make the house smell like the inner layer of an angry sumos diaper. Venting. It is a healthy necessary, natural process that everyone should exercise to prevent pent up anger, ulcers, tumors, stress, and a faithul re-enactment of call of duty in the park/office/or school. …Or is the idea of venting just a load of hot air?
It may suprise you to learn that it is. Talking about what makes you angry, shouting cuss words at the dips:-)t that cut you off, punching a pillow with a picture of your enemy taped to it: all these coping techiniques actually raise blood pressure, spike your adrenaline, and stretch your arteries to hold all that pissed off blood. All this is not only taking years of your life, but also making your current situation more intense. You are actually forcing your mind to reinvision what sparked the initial fireworks. And staring at the display is just going to spark more.
Even ‘talking it out’ can have a detrimental effect. Imagine your car breaks down on the side of the road. A rightfully infuriating experience. You make the trek home, force your significant other to drive out to the suicided vehicle, and have him/her listen as you ***** about how it inconvenienced you, giving the dead auto several well deserved kicks to punctuate your tirade. You then repeat this process with several friends. It has thus been drug out. With each telling you have to relive your frustration. Until finally you are standing across the road, glaring at your traitor vehicle through the scope of a cocked rocket launcher. You will give it the crematory funeral the piece of :-* so justly deserves.
Instead, you should note the stop signs on the way home. And take a few breaths. Analyze the situation. Do not complain about it to peers. Do not vividly recant the tail over and over, with increasingly colorful language. Does it really deserved to be turned into an epic tragedy? A tale retold and relived and remaddened? The only person the information should be imparted to is surely a mechanic. Or the person who is paying for her (its a her because I like the thought of a sexy grease monkey).
Talk to someone who can help you analyze the situation and provide solutions. One who can help you fix it. If it is in fact fixable. Do not rant to a person who you only want to watch as you build a rage inferno, or worse, someone who is going to throw wood onto the fire. Because that is what venting actually is. Venting/fanning a bonfire.
Talk listen and heed a person or part of your brain that is brandishing a fire extinguisher of the brand “it really is NOT that big a deal”. Or at least an id that says “Dont build a fire there. Smoky the Bear will get you.”
every day i hope it will get better. i am an IV heroin user struggling with an addiction much stronger than i thought. i am in tons of trouble with the law. i just violated my probation. i hope that my next shot will be the last. or i hope that i can be strong enough to be the man i have to be and face the time i have over my head and stop running from my problems every day.
i lost the love of my life in march and ever since then my life has been all down hill. i’m a broken man, and i miss her so much. if i could have one more chance, i would’ve treated her much more like gold than i already did. a princess. pure preciousness. nothing can stop the love i have for this woman. i’ve been with several other girls since her but i can’t get the same feelings. they mean nothing. i just want to end it all, i want to disappear..completely. is there anyway to completely disappear in 12 hours or less? ..sign me up, cuz I have court tomorrow…
one day, we will all be free, and bask in eternal love.
I recently moved into my dorm room, and I wasn’t given a roommate who actually planned to move into the room so I’ve got a room to myself. Many people have said that it’s great that I have the room to myself but in complete honesty it sucks. Everyone has someone to hang out with because they have a roommate and here I sit all alone. I don’t know where the girls on the floor went but they aren’t here and my depression is setting in. I miss my friends and I miss my sister and her son and her boy friend, I miss just sitting there with them watching movies or random tv shows.
I miss the guy I’ve been stuck on for the past four months, he said he has the means to visit in two weeks or so and that’s exciting but I want to see him now. I’ve never been clingy before and now I’m clingy before anything has been made official which makes me feel like a crazy *****.
And I am always so tired, I never sleep though. I tried to sleep last night and nothing came and next thing I know it’s already 6am and I have class in two hours. I need to find a way to sleep more but I also need to find my click. I need to make friends who are up for anything. I feel like a weirdo for wandering off on my own, tonight I went down by the lake and just stared aimlessly at everything.
It’s a nice place to sit, calm and beautiful but lonely. Maybe if the guy comes to visit I can show him my spot where I sat tonight. I know I want to go there again sometime. Maybe not everyday but every now and again when I feel lonely and bored. I don’t have many classes tomorrow so maybe after the Â two I do have I can try to catch up on sleep. I need to do laundry too, but I am probably going to do that tonight while everyone else is in their dorms.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough for anyone, I get Â it you have your friends but obviously I can’t find anyone who wants to actually put up with my mood swings and my constant disappearing acts. Oh well I guess. It’s just hard starting over again.
Tomorrow I think I should see if I can get into see a counselor like a therapist counselor. I don’t know though, I’m to afraid to find out that I am actually crazy.
just venting again.. anyways.. so I just recently broke up w my gf.. it wasn’t that long of a relationship.. but it was love, and something i haven’t felt in like.. more than 5 years..
of course i fucked it up.. cuz i went all psycho on her like i did all of my ex gf’s who of course dumped me because of the same reason.. so here I am.. always caught up in my negativity.. and because of it I haven’t even finished school yet..
I look at all my other friends and my sister’s boyfriend.. they’ve got jobs, friends, and gf’s.. i can barely function socially.. i haven’t got a degree.. i can’t get a job.. and i’ve lost someone i loved because i just went nuts on her (again)
I can definitely say that I do have potential and worth.. I mean of all the girls that I’ve gotten.. I’ve gotten them.. and they were beautiful.. and the last one I had was head over heels over me.. until of course I went all psycho on her.. to say I’m dissapointed, frustrated and depressed is an understatement..
I figure once I get my life together.. and fight for a chance to be of worth in this world.. things will come into place.. and I’ll meet a great girl who’ll be awesome to be with and who I can share many things with..
A lot of positives.. but still I’m just so frustrated.. I look back when I was much younger when this “shit” started and thus I stumbled to finish school and now I’m 27 and I haven’t even finished school yet.. I feel so shitty..
I wish I could go back to the 18 year old guy I was and tell him to stay in school and forget about this depression non sense.. stay away from the meds.. but alas here I am.. I dunno I’m just venting I guess..
2 weeks ago I told my sister I donâ€™t like boys and that I kind of like girls she said that itâ€™s an abomination to like the same gender and it isn’t â€˜naturalâ€™ and said she was against it and asked why would I even like girls and said if I were to die today I would most likely go to hell (sheâ€™s Christian) she said I need to go to church (Iâ€™m not that religious) she also said if I were to tell my dad that I like girls heÂ would most likely stop talking to me he said heâ€™d rather his daughter be a prostitute than to be a lesbianâ€¦
I thought about what she said and realized that there isnâ€™t anything wrong with being gay and most people who are â€˜homophobicâ€™ are religious (Iâ€™m not that religious)Â and besides itâ€™s not like Iâ€™m planning to have a girlfriend anyways Iâ€™m suicidal and just about ready to kill myself
And a week ago she said I need to be more â€˜responsibleâ€™ and that Iâ€™m not a baby and need to get serious about life (like have a goal)â€¦ which is ridiculous Iâ€™m suicidal I donâ€™t take my life seriously because Iâ€™m going to die anyways (kill myself) so why try to be the best I can be if this life isnâ€™t permanent
Let’s start. I’m Christian. Presbyterian, in fact. I’ve been this way for a while now. Uhm…well…you see…I believe I’m Pangendered. A.K.A, genderqueer. yeah. I don’t believe that I belong to any gender, and am comfortably happy with who I am. Mentally. Physically, I am either gender depending on my mood. I am also Pansexual. I can love anyone regardless of gender (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, asexual, etc.). Herein lies the problem…I’m “supposed to be happy with the body God gave me. Yes. God gave me the body. It’s my choice on what I do with it. I’m not saying I want some big surgery or anything…I’m just not comfortable being labeled as a girl…
Teacher: girls on one side of the room, boys on the other.
Me: *stands in the middle*
Teacher: Sara, did you hear me? go to the girls side!
Me: But I ain’t a girl…
Teacher: Then go to the boys side.
Me: But I ain’t a boy…
Teacher: *sarcastically* then what are you?
Me:…I’m Sara, nice to meet you.
basically how I feel. But c’mon, does it matter? I can’t tell my family. They’ll be weirded out! ugh. I don’t even know what bathroom to use…bleh…
Any advice or support on this would be great…
That sure has been the case with a few of my most important posts. 😛
I hate everything about the world. Today my dad got mad at me because I was by myself at a theme park looking for my group. He says I would have “no chance” against any fat fuck trying to pull me into a van because I’m “16 and 5-foot nothing.” Also, yesterday, I was out walking, and a boy in a car rolled down a window and shouted “Take it off, *****!” at me. I’ve gone through this a number of times. I’ve been whistled at and shouted at by boys and I hate it. I want to kill myself now because then I won’t ever have to worry about getting raped or harassed ever again. I wouldn’t even be killing myself over a temporary thing. This will be a lifelong problem since I am a girl. I will always have to look out for predators. Everyone always says to do so “especially since you’re a girl.” Fuck life. Fuck all the motherfuckers that think it’s fun to victimize and harass Â girls. I’m also tired of being inexperienced and having “next to no” knowledge of what life outside home is like, but I know that,in order to have that wisdom, you have to be older, and therefore, closer to the end of your life. I want to have experience and still have a lot of days left, but I know that will never happen.
im in a position where i need that pain deep in me to end. and i dont know how..the only way that im aware of is to end everything. im in a a position where many girls have been. it may even sound common and uninteresting to many. i have lost the love of my life..the love that every minute of my life in the last 3 years have revolved. it may sound common but the pain of every person is huge..its unbearable..and its important to them. my world came crashing down. after all these years, i seem insignificant and worthless to the love of my life. and i dont understand why..or hoe..or even whether its possible. coz i feel the same love i felt 3 years ago..and i certainly did not see this coming. i feel like i was taken up this beautiful mountain thinking i was going to share the world below with this person..only to find out it was to push me off the cliff. i have attempted suicide a few times..but this time im strong willed that i will do it till it happens..till everything ends. nothing excites me anymore..no matter who or how many people i have around me i still feel a deep hollowness and loneliness in me. not till the few times i attempted suicide did i understand why people come to such conclusions. everything reminds me of us…everything. to me these 3 years were the best times and the worst of my life. but even at this point wat was beautiful only seems to matter..unlike for my the other half who has picked out only the distasteful moments. the promises we made each other, the kisses we shared, the gifts we exchanged, the lessons we learned together, the process of growing up…all of these overwhelmes my thoughts. i have been there during good times and bad..from weddings to the passing away of immediate family. even till 2 weeks ago he was loving and he wanted me with him. how did this change just like that?? he refuses to talk or listen to me..he speaks with so much hatred and that tears me apart! i have put everything and everyone on the line for him..myself.my family, my friends…it was all about him and only him! now..he leaves me..he lets go off my hand so easily while my hands are desperately looking to place them back into his. he treats me like i was nothing to him. how can he do that to me??!! how can the three years have not meant anything to him?? i know he loved me….and when he looks at me when im gone…he will realize that i loved him with all my heart and soul and i dont belong in this world if i dont belong too him. he will realize the pain i experienced without him. more than anything he will realize how much he meant to me and how much i needed him with me….he will realize that all the promises i ever made to him was true…the love i had for him was true…everytime i looked into his eyes it was sincere…everytime i said i loved him i couldnt have meant it any more or less than that….. will be gone soon…just needed to get it out before i do..someone needs to know my story…..
Hey, Im kind of new to this so probably wont explain myself very well. This is actually the first time Ive ever talked about this to anyone if this even counts. Anyways im not sure how I even ended up here I feel like im wasting who ever reads this’ time. I dont want pity I used to do a bit of counseling as a youth worker so I know all the lines like “life is potential death is that potential gone”, I know how to help others I just cant help myself. I dont want pity or sympathy just a logical reason and some advice. I guess you could say im looking for a Vulcan to talk to, no emotions just logic. Im 23 I cant remember ever not being depressed. Bullied all through school no real friends I cried pretty much everyday. I used to think as soon as I grew out of my spots or got a job so I could buy nice clothes or things id be happy. I got a job as a playworker my dream job still depressed. Went to uni made friends, amazing friends, still depressed, still alone. I grew out of my spots, have nice clothes, nice things, girls seem to like me, I like them, they terrify me. Ive had girlfriends before, Ive had plenty but Ive gotten worse recently, dropped out of uni, cant find work, self esteem plumets, no girl deserves me. Im a mess. How can I like someone when I dont like myself. Ive looked for work for two years. I find it unbareable I recieved a rejection letter from mcdonalds, they said I was overqualified. I didnt leave my room for a fortnight, no shower, no food, no friends just to pee. I used to be anorexic, Im a very logical person and realised thats stupid, doesnt solve anything and kicked it but im afraid its coming back.food is all I can control I know its stupid I know why I do it, I know it doesnt solve anything, it doesnt help, I still do it. Ive lost everything that was my, my essence has gone im just a person eating then sleeping then eating then sleeping. Draining money, food and life from the friends and family who help me out. I have nothing to give in return. The only reason im still here is because Ive been trying to think of a way to go without upsetting them. I think I may have found that way and this is where im at. My argument is; if all you are is a drain on of the life and happyness of the ones you love with nothing to give back, when no matter how hard you try you cant move forward, isnt logical to just end it and save them the hassle? Sorry I know that got quite dramatic and tl;dr. I would appreciate any thoughts tho, id love to see the potential thats supposedly there.
I have never cared about boys much, but there’s just this one that I can’t get out of my head. I hate him so much that I love him. It makes me sick. He’s horrible for me, he doesn’t give a shit about me I mean nothing to him, yet he means everything to me. I don’t know how this happened. I stayed my distance, I moved on was engaged. And then Mr.Wrong showed back up in my life and I quickly became a mess again. I hate this evil spell he has me under. I beat myself up inside because I don’t understand why I’m not good enough for him to care for me back. I try to do everything he wants me to, I’m always there for him when he needs me. I’m still here, even after all the other girls. I sit there and am always waiting for him to come back after he’s done with one girl, I mean he always comes back but when another girl comes calling he’ll go running leaving me holding on to nothing. It’s hard, I wish he’d realize that I’m the one for him. It starts to make me wonder if something wrong with me, and that does nothing but kill me inside. I just wish I never met him. I was fine before him. Never been in love before, I’ve never gave a shit about a guy before. And now look at me writing a stupid blog about him because I don’t know how to act. I just wanna sleep through all the pain I’m feeling right now. I just wish I was good enough and wanted, that’s all.
â€œSuicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me: I quit!’â€
â€• Bill Maher
â€œWhen you’re young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you’re laughing again.â€
â€• Marilyn Monroe, My Story
â€œWe cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire.â€
â€• George Sand, Mauprat
â€œWhat’s the big fucking deal? Lots of amazing people have committed suicide, and they turned out alright.â€
â€• Emilie Autumn
â€œI simply wondered about the dead because their days had ended and I did not know how I would get through mine.â€
â€• James Baldwin
â€œShe leaves, carrying a biodegradable carrier bag that reads THE SUICIDE SHOP on one side, and on the other: HAS YOUR LIFE BEEN A FAILURE? LETâ€™S MAKE YOUR DEATH A SUCCESS!â€
â€• Jean TeulÃ©, The Suicide Shop
â€œHave you ever got to a point where you looked at your own life, thought ‘Fuck this,’ and reached for the economy-sized Valium? Ah, suicide: so dark and seductive.â€
â€• Rebecca O’Donnell
â€œShe felt worthless and hollow. There was no hope of fixing this. And when hope is gone, time is punishment.â€
â€• Mitch Albom, The Time Keeper
â€œIf you believe suicide will bring you peace (or at the very least just an end to everything you hate) you are displaying self-caring behavior. You are still able to actively seek solutions to your problems. You are willing to go to great lengths to provide what you believe will be soothing to yourself.. This strikes me as optimistic.â€
â€• Augusten Burroughs
â€œJean had the guts to kill herself, and I admire her for it, although, of course, she was quite crazy at the time, with a brain misfiring like a cross-wired laptop. Pressing the keystrokes love, the screen read die. Pressing the keystrokes survive, the screen read die. The damn thing, her mind-machine, was shot.â€
â€• Tim Lott
â€œThe debate was wearing me out. Once you’ve posed that question, it won’t go away. I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won’t. Anything I thought or did was immediately drawn into the debate. Made a stupid remark: why not kill myself? Missed the bus: better put an end to it all. Even the good got in there. I liked that movie: maybe I shouldnâ€™t kill myself..â€
â€• Susanna Kaysen
I’ve been to suicide boards before where people get on and say stuff like, “Don’t do it. Suicide is not the answer.” They don’t know the question. Or, “Life’s a *****. Get used to it.” Thanks. “Suicide is the easy way out.” If it’s so easy, why am I still here? And my favorite: “God loves you. Life is the most precious gift from God. You will break God’s heart if you throw His gift away.” God has a heart? That’s news to me. People on boards are very, very shallow. The Final Forum has a long list of topic, including: Random Rants, Bullied, Divorce, Disease, So Tired, Hate This Life, Bleak, Bequests, Attempts. Already I like this board. I start with Random Rants.
â€• Julie Anne Peters
â€œCommitting suicide essentially said to friends and loved ones and the world at large that you were the only thing that mattered, that your problems were hopeless that you deserved to escape from them and to Hell with everyone else.â€
â€• Christine Warren
â€œI didn’t realize there was a ranking,” I said. Sadie frowned. “What do you mean?” “A ranking,” I said. “You know, what’s crazier than what.” “Oh, sure there is,” Sadie said. She sat back in her chair. “First you have your generic depressives. They’re a dime a dozen and usually pretty boring. Then you’ve got the bulimics and the anorexics. They’re slightly more interesting, although usually they’re just girls with nothing better to do. Then you start getting into the good stuff: the arsonists, the schizophrenics, the manic-depressives. You can never quite tell what those will do. And then you’ve got the junkies. They’re completely tragic, because chances are they’re just going to go right back on the stuff when they’re out of here.”
“So junkies are at the top of the crazy chain,” I said. Sadie shook her head. “Nuh-uh,” she said. “Suicides are.” I looked at her. “Why?” “Anyone can be crazy,” she answered. “That’s usually just because there’s something screwed up in your wiring, you know? But suicide is a whole different thing. I mean, how much do you have to hate yourself to want to just wipe yourself out?â€
â€• Michael Thomas Ford
Hey, was just talking in another thread about what girls look for in men, noonoo said ‘looks and money’ ..Â I said I was fairly good looking and quite handsome if you catch me in the right light! .. So, thought I’d put some pictures up..
In the 3rd one I am the one on the left with the smile!Â 4th one, not sure if I should of included it but did!Â Was trying to strike a bit of a pose obviously lol .. but I think its quite a good face shot.
So, as the title says, how ‘girlfriendable’ would you say I am on looks alone? give me a percentage!
I have had a really hard life. And I bet a lot of you people reading this have had one too. But not all.. This is my story…
Hi, I am a fourteen year old girl who has been humililated, tortured, and bullied my whole life. I don’t have friends. I am very anti-social. I am home schooled because of everything that has happened. I am only in 8th grade. And My life is a complete hell. I have been bullied for about 9 years now, since the day I moved here. I used to here people in the hall ways, and I was just a little girl. No little girl should have to hear the people she thought were her friends call her such horrible things at such a young age, actually never! But I did. People would even come up to my face and tell me how I am a waste of space, ect. For about 3 years, second grade, i just tried and tried to ignore what everyone was saying about me and my family. But it got really hard day by day. Finally, in about fourth grade i started to believe everything that was being said about me. I am fat, I am dumb, I am not-good-enough, I am a waste of space, I am a b*tch, ect… I then entered middle school with that same attitude, and nothing changed except boys got more judgmental, and girls got more Â b*tchy. Everyone blamed me for being the bully and the horrible one. But what no one realized is that i was only that way because everyone made me like that. From all of the tormenting and taunting and teasing and humiliating and sarcasm about me made me the person i was… am today.. Life can be a b*tch people say, well they are completely correct. I was known as the bully by my whole town and shockingly enough my own mother. When ever i tried to tell people why i am the way i am everyone refuses to listen. I guess they just find it easier to blame me. I guess i am.. an easy target. Everyday of school i would wake up thinking about how i would get through one more day of this torment. When 6th grade came, I lost any shred of friends i did have. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was turned on me at this point. I was alone against the world it felt. i understand people like me are out there all over the world but my heart cant see that. All my heart sees is all of the people around me praying and screaming to take my life. People probably even look over at their calender and see if they won a bet of how long it would take for me to actually call a quits. I did the same. I would wake up and stand up and look in the mirror and pray i was see nothing and i would just be a ghost, a shadow. Nothing.. Like everyone thinks i already am. Some people say they wish they could just wake up and find out that everything was just a big nightmare. But not me. That is a nightmare i wouldnt be able to handle. That would push me over the edge most likely because of the possibilities of how my life could have been. i don’t wish this life on anyone. Yes, I may be spoiled, I may have some nice things. And Yes i do know that there are people out there with way less than me and real horrible lives. But just because i get things doesnt mean i am not depressed. Doesnt mean i dont have feelings. Doesnt mean I can’t hate life. I pray to the god that i dont believe in saying “I would give up everything in the world that i have just to be happy. It went like that from 6th to 7th grade. Finally, 8th grade comes. In the beginning, I had a mini group of friends and i thought my pray came true! But what i didnt know was it was going to pass. They all eventually turned on me. By the middle of the year i was alone, depressed, lonely, and scared. I started to be scared of my own echo because i didnt want to be near anyone because the fear of them judging me was always hanging over my head, like a dark cloud. My paranoia started to become very obvious to everyone but those close to me such as family. They had no idea of anything. Everything inside me was almost gone. People just had drained every inch of me. I was really just, nothing. I started cutting. Cutting gave me a sense of relief. Like my whole life i was not in control of how much pain was caused to myself and how much scars would show and so i was finally in control of it. I controlled how many cuts i have. I control how much pain i cause by how hard i press. I know it may not seem like a lot but it made me forget how much my life really sucked for even a second. Sometimes a second is all anyone needs. I wish people would see how hard i try to please them! But no one does. All i ever hear is you can do better! Or, You’re not doing anything! When honestly it may look that way yes, but inside i am doing this biggest thing anyone could ever have to do, trying to keep myself a live when there seriously isnt much to hold on to anymore. I am losing my grip on reality and was getting ready to end it all. I had a huge fight with my therapist and everything took a turn for the worse. I tried to commit suicide. People say “it may seem like to you it is telling people to leave you alone but to everyone else it is a cry forhelp. It is prob a cry for help ryanne.” No it isn’t I just wish i could close my eyes and one day wake up a be alone. No one to argue with. Be able to be the real me which i am not able to do even in my own house hold. People see I am hiding behind a mask everytime i am around anyone. Even my own family, which is very hard to do. I after a little while tried to commit suicide. I had/ have nothing left inside of me. I am completely empty inside. I wish no one would save me. I wish someone would take all the misery i i cause myself including everyone around me away by just taking my life. If there was a way to end it all without hurting my mother and grandfather, I would do it as fast as light travels.One minute you would see me and the next nothing. But it would not be a big deal because No one would notice if i was gone anyway. It is not like i make an impact in anyones life, or make anyone whole. I am not needed nor loved. I wish that night i tried to take my life i succeeded. People say that i would regret that if i actually did. But honestly I wouldn’t i would be free of all of this sadness and furiousness, and depressing feelings that are eating me alive. I have actually started cutting again. I have been cut free for a while now. People are proud of me. And they say cutting is horrible and the wrong thing to do. And once someone asked me if i could go back and never have cut would i go back? and my answer is always the same and always will be, No i would not go back. I would still have cut. cutting is not wrong to me. It got me to the day i am in now. I know To some people that may seem like a punishment and it really is. But i have my mother to think about. Cutting saved my life. And still is right now…
I do. It seriously feels like a disability often. You have so much that you have to worry about like making sure you don’t get raped. Every time I go out somewhere, I’m always told not to be out too late since it’s “especially dangerous for girls.” I hate that. That makes me try to dress as much like a boy as I can, so maybe I’ll be mistaken for one. I think about cutting my hair short and not shaving, but then I’ll be labeled as a “butch lesbian” since I am gay. It’s not fair. Aside from the obvious things like getting your period, I hate feeling like the world has less faith in women, like it’s believed they can’t get as much done just because of their gender. I don’t want to spend my entire life making sure I don’t get attacked by some dumbass that hates women or having to deal with possible discrimination. Whenever someone jokes that women are bad drivers or they suck at working with mechanics, I just want to hit them. Fine, maybe I just can’t take those types of jokes but I can’t help it. Â It’s so frustrating. Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I love to shop, wear makeup, wear revealing outfits, or carry a huge purse wherever I go. I try to find shorts or jeans with deep pockets or take just a tiny bag with me. Guys, I hate this. I literally just want to die every time I’m reminded of what boundaries are set for me because of my gender. 🙁
People just don’t understand that I’m slowly dying inside. That I feel like such a loser everyday. I’m not pretty. My two best friends, the only girls I hang out with, are super pretty and a perfect size 0 or 1. They are Barbie doll perfect. Ten there is me. I’m not pretty like them, and I am not tiny. Everyone tells me I have a nice body and I’m pretty, so why don’t I believe them? My self-confidence is so low. I just want someone there for me. My “best friends” don’t even realize when something is wrong with me. They just leave me to be even more depressed. They won’t ever truly understand how worthless I feel. I m such a loser..
There’s a boy.I know you will probably skip this post because you don’t want to read the story of a broken hearted girl,but I will write it anyway because this is the book of my life and no one wants to read it.So I will write this story of love and blood here because this a story of a rock/goth/emo/satanic girl (or anyother names people use to call me) which secretly like a normal bo,you know,one of those cool guys that goes to parties and drink and probably think that my kind of girls must be burned alive or killed because they are freaks.What can I do?Whatch him everyday walking to school in front of me and I’m just walking behind him and thinking how would a relationship with him be?What can I do?To renounce at who I am for him?NEVER! I wanna be myself but he hates the people like me.I NEED HELP :((( Once,he saw my scars and asked me why am I so stupid to do that?Why am I cutting myself.I almost sterted crying and he came and embraced me.That was all.I don’t even think he knows my name.He hates people like me (depressed people) and I don’t know what to do.We are from different world.I’m a warrior and he’s just a normal human.I”m a fuckin’ warrior of our youth (IN BVB ARMY) and he’s just…. normal.I’m dark,he’s pretty.What can I do?
Sometimes I wonder if out there is somebody who loves me in secret as I love him.I don’t think so.
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