Howdy.
Not much to say about me. I’m your average Swedish guy, turning 22 this summer, with no desire for life.
I could give you my entire back story here, but I’ll just skip to the relevant bits. I have pretty much one passion. Writing, recording and performing music. I’ve played keyboards/piano since the age 0f 9, then bass guitar since 16, guitar since 17 and drums since 18, and I’ve been singing for as long as I can remember. It’s pretty much my way to vent.
Over the past year and a half, I’ve thought of suicide more times than I care to remember, made about five nooses, and attempted to use one of them. It was my wake-up call, and it worked for a while, but now I’m slowly heading back in that direction. In all honesty, I can’t see me living into 2016.
I’ve tried seeing a psychologist. So far, it’s ended up costing me a lot of money and neither party got any wiser.
I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know who to talk to. I only know one thing: I want this to end. In one way or another. I was born without a say in the matter, so in my humble opinion, it is my right to die on my own terms. Nobody understands me, though. Sometimes, I’m not sure I understand me. It’s not like I’m a bad person. I’m a nice guy, fairly intelligent, pretty funny, and reasonably good looking. That’s what people tell me, which makes me feel better and worse simultaneously.
Well, I guess that’s everything I have to offer for now. Hopefully, I’ll find some sort of light, but I rather doubt it.
11 comments
Basically. I want to have choice, and I don’t see myself living too much longer ither haha 😐 There’s not much here I want to stay for :s
“but now I’m slowly heading back in that direction. In all honesty, I can’t see me living into 2016.”…
Why do you think you are heading in that direction? Remember, thoughts precede our emotions ….so what are your thoughts to create such negative emotions?
Remember you control what enters your mind by way of thoughts, be they your own thoughts or others thoughts. be careful what you let in. The mind is ultmately like a spotlight. if all you do is shine it on negative things, then ultimately that is all you will see. try shining your mind on positive things, be it yourself or on others.
You sound like you have a lot going for you. Don’t waste it please.
Ad Astra
Hi there
Its so strange, but i know someone who is going thru the exact same thing you are going thru. The feeling of worthlessness…as i put it. And believe you me when i tell you, that most humans i know have been thru this phase. There comes a time when u feel hollow inside…a sinking feeling that refuses to go away. It dosent matter anymore if its day or night, its always the same feeling. But when i saw worthlessness…its not just worthlessness about yourself, its also feeling that the world has not worth living for either. And sometimes, it is true. There are periods when the world indeed dosent work for us.
But look at it this way..Why would you bother with that? How does it matter how the world is around you? As you tell me here, you like music…and music my friend..is the food for thy soul. I am so jealous of you that you can play those instruments. I have tried n given up..its so difficult to learn the guitar. Its not about looking at things that are not there, its being proud of things you have achieved. And this is how i see it…you can play guitar, you can sing, you are swedish and above all…you are 22 and gud looking…BINGO !! You have everything going for you. You just have to see it from my eyes.
Please dont feel and think the way you do…coz its not true. You have a lot of talent and i am sure if not now…then tomorrow, you will see it too. Give it sometime. Surround yourself with things and ppl you like. Ppl with gud energy. Ppl who let you be, ppl you accept you for who you are…and still love you. It will take time…i am not gonna lie to you about that…but it will turn out fine. Trust me 🙂
Do keep me updated. And ofcourse the next time you feel like writing your feelings down…you know the place.
Tot ziens
I love your heading. Made me smile 🙂
Oh, and I also loved what Adastra wrote the other day, that Jim Morrison quote about being proud of your pain or something.
Anyway, I’m with you on the right-to-die thing. The whole duty-to-live-on-in-suffering is bogus.
I dunno… Do you have any idea why you’re sad?
I completely agree that we had no say whatsoever to being born and the we deserve to have the right to die on our own terms. Everyone tells me that I should be more grateful that out of the million other possible children my parents might have had, I was the winner of the gene pool battle. However, I don’t feel particularly grateful, nor lucky. I would gladly give this one way ticket of life over to the next set of chromosomes. God damn sperm that carried my genes. Argh.
Aki Aki Aki
I have been looking for you everywhere. Give me your email address for goodness sake.
Thanks for commenting, you guys. 🙂
I guess I don’t really know why I’m sad. I do tend to make mountains out of molehills, though. Comes with the bad self-esteem.
I also have quite limited social skills, so I guess that’s another possible reason.
@Duke Hey ho, sup? Mail’s “aki.miori@yahoo.co.uk”
@Ragna Child I don’t know what you’ve been through in life, and I will not say things will get better or worse, since taking the action to do either is completely your prerogative. However, I do want to say that from what you’ve shared, you are quite musically talented which I am seriously jealous of ;P And as for social skills, I say that as long as you have a few close friends, you can get by the by and thus improve such skills. G’luck dood.
I have been going through the same exact thing and feel the exact same way. I do not get it either. The help I have been to are not sufficient. Once i told the nurse practitioner in the psychiatrist office that i think i also suffer post traumatic stress disorder – she said no because i am not a war veteran but i have done my research and people who have been through trauma such as rape or crime or being homeless can suffer post traumatic stress disorder. Then, i got a cold and my mood went way south and i was so depressed i was bed ridden for a few days but when i mention this it was over-looked (i googled that indicates depressed people can suffer psychotic eepisode–i was seriously plotting something to kill myself). No one knows or really listens to take such things into consideration. It is very frustrating.
Stupid spell check–i giggled that unmedicated depressed people can become psychotic if they get the common cold. This was not really taken seriously when i tried to discuss it. I went into a really bad place – worse than usual when i got a cold the other week.
“Googled” not giggled.