I hate feeling the way that ”we” do. I hate feeling so sad and lonely all the time. I hate having to pretend all the time, transforming myself into someone else in order to “fit in” and be liked. I just want to let it all out, let the darkness take over and let the world see how depressed and messed up i really am.
I was raped many times by my older brother when i was younger. But i was so young that i didn’t know what rape was, and so i i thought it was okay what my brother made me do and what he did to me. He liked to call what he did a “massage”. I hate the sound of that word now!
So i think that this childhood has kinda … broken me. I lost my innosense at a young age. When i was 18 i was raped again, not by my brother this time, but by a stranger in the city when i went to the toilet one night. He was so strong and overpowering, i was actually a little scared to fight back incase he hit me some more. I just let him do what he wanted to do, hoping that he’d be quick.
I’m 19 now, turning 20 a little later on in the year. I hate the days when we are so upset, and that we don’t know what to do except conflict pain onto ourselves or try to end our lives. But that’s the state of mind that we are in when we feel that way. After woulds we think “i don’t really want to die” but then another part of you says “i wish it worked this time” or “I wish you had the balls to actually go through with it”.
I love the days or moments when i am really happy and feel that i have heaps of friends, I think, “i wish i could stay in this character forever”. I wish that i could stay this happy, and not actually have to pretend to be happy, but actually be happy without forcing a smile! When i am truely happy i try and hold onto it for as long as i can, because i know that soon enough, that darkness is going to come back and overtake my life. It always comes back harder and harder!
1 comment
Hey mitch, you’ve been very brave. I like to think of ‘the darkness’ as a natural cycle – we can’t live in the light all the time. The darkness is pain and pain is a warning system – it tells us to stay well and make ourselves safe.
I like your idea of dropping in and out of character – but you need to find a character to face the darkness, just as you have for the light. I would suggest you bring all of your considerable courage to bear on the invading dark, and stand up to it like an angel. It will get easier the more often you do it, automatic, and in the future you’ll look back and be more proud of your struggle with the dark than anything else.