The Unavoidable Truth

Hello all. I’ve finally found a place where I won’t be judged, ridiculed, harassed, or viewed as a freak. I’m 17 years old, my name is Zach. I come from an affluent family, I live in a nice house in suburbia. Any other details are unimportant, so I’ll leave them out. All of my life, I’ve gotten everything that I’ve ever wanted. Toys, games, gadgets, you name it I could have it. I’m sure that some of you resent me already, but you know that were all here for the same reason. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore, the only thing I see is a worthless failure whom can’t appreciate what he’s been blessed with. I’ve viewed life as a race to nowhere since my freshman year of high school, when I was 15. I had a very turbulent break up with a girl that I had been talking to since 8th grade. Looking back at the situation now, I can laugh at it, but the thoughts that I had back then still haunt me until this day. Why am I fighting the inevitable? Why do I get up every morning just to be one person out of billions? Why am I so in-content with who I am? Everyday these questions linger through my brain, without falter. I decided that I couldn’t take it anymore, and decided to tell my mom (my dad would never understand) that I needed help. So, my 15 year old self started seeing a psychologist. We would talk, and everything would be fine. But the thoughts of impending doom would never leave, no matter how many ‘self help’ procedures I attempted to complete. I quit seeing my therapist, and told my mom I was fine, this couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I was in the darkest spot of my life and there seemed to be no end in sight. I started doing things that I shouldn’t have done, which I won’t go into details about, and it would only make things worse. My friends didn’t understand, and they still won’t and never will. The best advice I can get out of them is “suck it up, *****”. So back to the present. Everything externally in my life is in perfect harmony. Swim season is almost over, and lacrosse practice starts next week. Girls seem to like me, for whatever reason and I’m wearing the happy mask like a champ. I can’t go a day without thinking about dying though. I’ve told one person I want to die and they responded with a “what the fuck is wrong with you?” Great, right? I just wanted a medium on communicating my feelings with other people like me, people who understand what it’s like to be happy, but miserable at the same time. and with the simple google of “why do I want to die?” I found myself reading through other peoples stories. Real people, with real stories. So, I figured that I would tell a very small part of my own.

So, basically what I want out of this are all of your stories. I want to talk about them, converse, anything. I know I’m young, but anyone can understand depression, for it is a matter of personal experience. I hope that I gave you someone to relate to.