Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I should never have left my old girlfriend, I should have been a bit more grown up when it came to school. I shouldn’t have reacted when my father left my mother for one of my school teachers at the time. I should have just switched classes instead of throwing a perfectly good A grade down the drain.
Anyway 3 years later I’m living in a poor dump of a shared house. Paint peeling off the walls, thieving housemates and a crooked landlord. All my friends have left for University, something I once aspired to do. I’m out of work, have 3 years experience in hotel and bar management and my own bar licenses but despite this I can only get 8 hours a week in the local which is full of drug addicts and other undesirables. I’ve seen Jobs up country and I’m desperate to get away. But I could never afford to travel up just for an interview or even to move full stop.
My mother remarried a reasonably well off businessman. I was happy for her as she deserved it, she has been through hell with previous husbands. However this new husband didn’t want anymore dependants and made it clear from the beginning that I wouldn’t be staying. Regardless I was just happy for my mum.
Now I’m a burden on everyone. A financial burden on my mum. A financial burden on the governmen and a emotional burden on my friends that are left, though I can rarely afford to see them. And I hate it. My mum rings me up demanding if I’ve got a job yet and she always makes a point of telling me how hard up she is at the moment. It’s like someone ringing you up 2-3 times a day and telling you that you’re ruining their life. I owe her money, and I owe my friends some money too. Not like a £10 here and there. But £100 off the two of them who helped me move over here. They can afford it and they offered. I hate asking for money and have never done it. And even though I don’t see these people everyday I wake up knowing I’m in a few hundred quids debt to my friends.
I regularly save up and print off my CV and hand it around the local business’s no one is hiring and I have no transport to get elsewhere. Unless by some miracle I win the lottery (not like i can afford a ticket) then I can’t see a way to better myself.
I hate to sound so cliché but I honestly believe the world would be a better place without me. I contribute nothing. I’m never going to be able to afford to go back to college or Uni. Whether I’ll do anything about this I don’t know. I wouldn’t say I’m about to kill myself. But I lie awake till the early hours dreaming of how good it would feel to wake up and have no problems or burdens. I’m not a strict believer in some sort of afterlife. But you never know.
1 comment
Nick, there are millions of people in the same situation as yours. I’m not saying that to make you feel better somehow – we’re all victims of the bankers and the feral rich scum who are destroying our country. The responsibility for this is not yours and you should not be punishing yourself. I know you don’t like being in debt but a couple of hundred is nothing – I have no doubt you feel more guilty about it than they care about it. Tell your Mum she is being unfair – because she is – as you said, she married a well-off business man, why isn’t he taking care of her needs? If she persists, throw it back at her.
It’s so easy to become everyone’s victim when you’re broke and out of work. At the moment the government is encouraging people to relocate to find jobs – would it be worthwhile to approach the Jobcentre for a contribution to your travel costs if you could arrange an interview? After all, they’re throwing 100s of millions at fake private contractors like A4E to find work for people.