I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to die, but I want this all to stop.
Therapy can’t help me.
Medicine can’t help me.
I fucked up everything.
I just want to talk to her, but I’m a monster not a saint.
I want help.
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who is her?
an ex I can no longer talk to
I understand wanting things to stop… and it’s good to want help. Maybe the things you wrote that can’t help you really can help you? Therapy and medicine happen as part of working with a provider… Sometimes, it takes a few tries to find a provider you’re on the same page with. Don’t give up.
it’s been over a year that I’ve been in therapy and on medication and everything is the same or worse
why can’t you talk to her anymore?
permanent protective order. a year ago I tried to kill myself to get her attention and she filed a restraining order…now she wants a permanent order. I can’t talk with her again.
i don’t really know what to say with this particular issue sorry 🙁
no one ever does. it’s okay 🙁
In its simplest sense, the best strategy would be to move in another direction. Keeping in the same direction. You probably already know this. This is probably a good topic to discuss in therapy… so you can develop a strategy for going forward.
edit: *Keeping in the same direction *isn’t helping you.*
I try moving in different directions. I try dating. I don’t really have money to spend on activities, but I try to do things I used to enjoy(eg, reading, writing, playing music) but the ghost lingers, whispering into my ear of the tumult of my deeds and what I lost/gained. If I can’t be with her which is probably the best for her, then I want to forget her, however, I can’t even forget her. Everyday I’m reminded of what I did. I can barely talk with people for fear they will see the horrible thing I did; it’s like I have to hide this horrible part of me otherwise they would “scamper” away as well they should.
I know exactly how you feel, I have a similar but different experience, I forced myself to stop trying to contact her because I knew it was only hurting me. I still want to talk to her (and sometimes do or try to), but as hard as it is I have to accept that I can’t. It has been over 2 years now and seems to never go away. I’ve tried to move on too and get past this, but unfortunately I will never forget it, but maybe its a positive thing as I wont repeat the same mistakes of the past. All I can do (and you should too) is to keep trying to find a way.
Hey Wastedlife-
What did you do for those two years? Did it get any easier? I was hoping that I would be able to talk to her in a few years. I also know if I hope for that, then I’m not truly moving forward as I’m saving a part of myself that needs to heal from becoming better.
Basically went to hell and back, I didn’t go to therapy or take medication, I wanted to talk to people about, I tried, but I didn’t. It was, and still is, very up and down. I stumbled on this website back but left it a long time ago and only just logged back in. it was a good place to vent without fear of what people might say or think as everyone was very open, a lot of freedom. It has got easier at times, but I don’t think I will be the same ever again because of it.
I would love to be the person I was the months before I met her and the months we dated, but like you, I don’t think I’ll ever be that person again. Sometimes there are glimpses of it, but when I meet new people, I feel like I have to hide a part of myself — everything that I did — from them. And a person can never be truly open if they’re hiding part of themselves. It’s like I’m trying to find myself, but failing; like I’m trying to be a new person, but failing because I’m hiding this dark secret, not knowing what to say, not wanting to reveal too much.
How do you keep yourself from talking with her? How do you get rid of the feeling of wanting to talk with her?
Truly I don’t think I do get rid of the feeling but it has subsided and grows less the more I don’t. I mean if I wanted to I can contact her but I am choosing not too. I guess I have learned to live with the feeling. Also, I feel that as she has moved on she does not want to talk to me anymore so I respect that and accept it also. It is difficult for me. I try to occupy my mind as much as possible with anything and everything I can because I know if I don’t I start thinking about it the moment I stop.
Yeah I have tried to have other relationships (though few and far between) but like you I feel the need to hide it away. I don’t feel that you have to reveal everything tho, at least not straight away.
You didn’t fuck up everythign, you just fucked up the past. That’s ok, it’s in the past. now you have to move forward, keep your eyes on the horizon.
Hw do you know therapy can’t help you? You have to find the right therapist, I think you should keep trying.
There is no simple answer to this. There is no magical solution. This is just the way it is. You can’t cheat in life, you can’t shortcut through the rough bits. I’m sorry. But that is just how we grow and be better people.
You also can’t play the waiting game. It’s not like doing time, you can’t just wait around and expect time to fix everything. You have to make a conscious and genuine effort to move forward. Keep dating. Do things you enjoy. Keep yourself busy and distracted. Keep your mind open and aware. And I think therapy deserves another shot. maybe try a different therapist.
I fucked up the thing that I’d put the most faith in throughout my life. My therapist actually asked me what would happen if my faith failed. I told her I didn’t know, but I would still give it all my faith.
Basically what has happened is that I have lost all faith in things. Sometimes it flares up but I remind myself that it’s only a falsehood. The problem with that though is it’s not “right” to walk around saying there is no faith(either in a higher power or in friends or in a door opening), but in truth I lost my faith when that relationship ended.
So, how does one survive without faith?
Hi. I feel exactly the same. He was only a friend but I cared so much about him and he was taken from me suddenly. There have been so many rumors and lies and I don’t know if I pushed him away or if the lies did or if he was simply forced out of my life. I do know I’m no longer allowed to speak to him and I don’t know why or what happened. It’s so hard to deal with because I don’t know why. If he was simply too weak to handle me or the rumors, I could move on because there is anger there. However losing him against both of our wills hurts so badly. I just keep clinging to the hope that he still cares and that we can reconnect. But that’s stupid because things never work out for me. Why would this? I just need to disappear. Everyone would be better off without me.
I totally understand what you are saying. As I actually have no idea why the relationship ended, she wanted a break then she disappeared — it was then that I tried killing myself to get her attention. A failed attempt in both regards.
I cling to that hope as well, stupidly. Because if anything I’ve learned that hope is an enemy. Hope can kill you. I put my complete faith in that relationship and it blew up in my face. So, what does that mean in regards to faith?
I wish I could disappear too. However, I don’t think everyone would be better off without you; there’s always one person that you just don’t know about that cares deeply for you. It’s sad to say, but when you or I get in those downward funks we become oblivious(even somewhat) to those around us. There is someone out there that would not be better off with out you.
But, here’s the question: when do you take care of yourself and disregard that possible one person that would miss you?
Faith is an illogical thought process that is based on a psychological state of mind. It is when you think logically that the problem arises.
Why do you think my faith failed. My faith: I know she and I are meant to be together. Meant as in her life experiences and my life experience made us into people that were quite well together.
My sister says it could be that she and I are meant to be together, but it was only mental illness on my part and hers that ended the relationship.
By the way, I have no idea why the relationship ended…
Relationships end for all sorts of reasons which may or may not have been beyond your control. Sometimes people grow apart, become bored, find somebody new. You have feelings which are attributed to success and failure. I on the other hand can never have a soul mate because I have no soul. I am already dead.
The funny thing about the growing apart of our relationship is that less than 10 days prior, she confessed her love to me; confessed it to me for the first time, openly. Within 10 days she was gone from me forever.
Hello Brother, I was born with a soul(I think), but I have it no longer. Whatever a soul is, mine began to die on March 14th. It seemed like it would survive until the Ides came and went. On March 19 it was assured that it would die. On March 20, 2012 it definitely died and left my body, leaving not a remnant.
You must stop thinking about why it ended, or if it was mean to last forever. You will drive yourself mad thinking about these things. Also, you must slap your sister if she ever says anything to that effect again. It’s over. That is that.
You must find a new faith. Preferably not one that rellies on an individual human. We are too flawed to carry that weight. You may spread your faith over a number of loved ones, or find faith in yourself, or a higher power. You might plant faith in ideals, like hope or equality.
You don’t have to find a new faith straight away. In fact, some people spend their whole lives searching for their faith. That in itself is faith… faith that they will find faith! But you MUST disengage with your false faith in that relationship. It is holding you back. It was a false idol. And objectively… I’m sorry, but it’s a bit of a trite thing to base your faith in anyway. You can do better.
I’ve moved passed trying to figure out why it ended. The ghost that haunts me now is just that I miss her.
You are making progress then.
Once legality is added to the situation all you can do is let go.
And take action to slowly get your mind to focus elsewhere.
Nobody is meant for anyone else and human relationships are not meant to last forever or even for a lifetime.
Even though it might seem as such when we meet someone with whom everything seems to just fit.
Some do stay together for life but at least half that time they are disconnected.
We are dynamic beings and change moment to moment in miniscule ways which add up in the long term.
Met two women in my life who at the time seemed like the one. Then they changed and our lives no longer made sense to entertwine. The first one happened when I was younger and still under the influence of religion and the whole search for meaning. Hard to compute. the second was when I was freed of those things and it wne tsmoothly.