Are you going to let it happen?

I’m not here to preach, I’m not here to tell you everything is going to be the same as it was, I’m not here to persuade you against the decisions you have already made, but maybe just maybe I can make you feel better about things. Even if it is only temporary.

Suicidal thoughts and tendencies are not considered normal in the mental health world, but there’s 7 billion people on this planet and over half will at some point feel the way you do now. I know your eyes are starting to roll into your head and that urge to tell yourself ‘yeah this guy knows nothing about how I feel or my problems’ is on the tip of your tongue but just listen, or I should say read.

I don’t know the details of your problems. You know that as well as I do but there is one thing I, like many others on here, have in common; I am suicidal and I know depression like it was a member of my own family. I can tell you things I’ve done to ease the mental torture of depression, things that would make your toes curl and send cold shivers down your spine but I’m not going to do it. This is about you.

You will always remember how you feel right now but you won’t alway feel it. I imagine you feel hopeless, your mood is constantly down, you don’t favour social situations, and maybe you are suffering from some kind of heartache. Everyone goes through heartache and breakups and learn to get through it, others don’t. It’s not because they are weak in any way it’s because their heart and feelings are taking over because they are stronger. Remembering this moment, especially if it has never happened to you is a learning curve of life. The difference between surviving this and not is your own sense of self worth and preservation. Theres is no shame in wanting to end your suffering. The thing is, and I know this as well as anyone could, you don’t feel like your life is worth it, or maybe a combination of that and a lack of faith in your ability to heal. Maybe you spend hours crying, maybe your filled with an unjustified (to the outside world) sense if regret or self loathe. I have all those feelings. What your feeling is not wrong, this is your own reality and no one else can feel it. The ‘I know how you feel’ line is totally without reason and is not wanted in your situation, therefore you will never hear me say it. The point I’m trying to make is your not alone.

You think my username is an accurate personification of me? Believe me it’s only ever skin deep. I smile because I’ve learned to again.

Look at a time in your life when you were truly happy, a party, a family gathering and look at what you have achieved in your lifetime. Look at all those times when you made somebody laugh, the time you were thanked for your help, the times when you went out of your way to do something for someone else, the qualifications, the things you have created, the entertainment your have given, the care, the consideration, even the meals you have cooked. You eat to survive and your still doing that.

I guess I should mention one thing that is not mentioned very much. That is, those who are that screwed up mentally (through no real fault of their own) actually avoiding help. Therapy helps the majority but there are those that have made a conscious decision that talking therapy will not work on them. They are immune. It is probably wrong to state, but these people view therapy as a sort of ‘brainwashing’ out of their negative thoughts because they have made their own mind up and no amount of talking to will change it. I unfortunately am one of these people. It became a sort of mental preservation thing for me. I only had bad thoughts left an no one was going to take those away. Talking and therapy is truly an amazing help to millions of people and should never be underestimated, try and realise they are there to help and they are very good at it.

What you need to now consider is that people like you and me and all the others out there are part of a community, they share a common purpose and a common problem. Your problems and my problems are not the same, no ones are; the cause is different but the symptoms are the same. I’m a 26 year old, gay suicidal manic-depressive, who was diagnosed and developed AvPD and Cognitive Distress Anxiety Disorder because of the trauma of my boyfriend braking up with me 7 months ago. I was hopelessly attached and I still love him, but I cannot blame him in any way for what I’ve been through. He was honest and straight with me. This, however strange it seems made things harder for me, I had nothing to blame anyone else for. The experience itself was the start of a whole new negative me. I still to this day don’t know why things or his opinion changed so quickly. I started looking at everything with a negative twist, especially me. Once this had manifested itself it got worse and worse and worse. I couldn’t work, or go outside for months, I was even on Fluoxetine Hydrochloride meds (the strong shit). They were prescribed partly to stop me cutting my forearms and upper inner thigh which I did because it helped. Cutting release endorphins which relieve pain. Running scolding water over my hands until I couldnt stand it anymore was one of the most common things. Im not proud of it, far from but it helped. It was a trauma I’d had an insight of before, but this time I knew I was really in love. I’d started to blame myself for it and everything else, my broken family, my parents arguments. The point is, I now know that the reason I’m still here, it is not what people say to me, the guidance they give it’s the smallest seed of hope in me that there is something better in the future. 

You know, however much you try and push it to the back of your mind, your friends and family will grieve. You don’t want them to but it’s something to think about. 

I know this is going to sound abit gay (it’s okay I can say it), but have you any idea how much of a miracle you are to exist. The chance that your parents got together, the one in million chance that one sperm fertilised that one egg, that your DNA was created. Against all possible pregnancy problems, you were born, you grew up, you made your life what it was. Wouldn’t it be a shame to give all that up, with everything else in your head. Your not weak-minded, and yeah maybe you have done something that your not proud of (who hasn’t). But this is your existance you are contemplating.

If you want to read my story, I’f you think it will in anyway help you, I’d be glad to post it.

Your problems, as they exist in your mind are real, the are no less worse than anyone else’s, this is your reality. People like you and everyone else in our state should be congratulated for the pain and suffering we endure.

Finally, remember, you are unique, no one will ever in the future of the world replace or be the same as you. Your a member of a community, a caring one. Consider what you can be in time before you make any decisions.