So today was a disaster. Â And it’s only starting. I was supposed to see my doctor today. Â And as much as I have been dreading it, today, when I didn’t have it, I realized just how much I had been relying on it. Â Just trying to hold on until there was help. Â But there isn’t any. Â I cried and cried. Â I missed the train. Â I had cut myself in the train station bathroom. Â Then while I was waiting for the train I felt the blood moving down my leg and realized I had to do something to stop it or else I was going to be in a very uncomfortable situation. Â Once I finished cleaning up the train had just left. Â I tried the bus but I missed that too because I was on the wrong side of the road. Â I don’t know how I am going to get through this weekend. Â I had no idea until now how much I needed that appointment today.
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I know you’ve had a rough morning… I believe that your friend is coming today. For a little while, I hope that you can forget about the everyday and smile a bit. If not already, I’d call to re-schedule… I would explain the urgency so they fit you into the schedule soon. Don’t let this morning deter you… You still have plans and hopes. Things will move forward.
distant.road thanks for always writing back to me. It means a lot. i was really torn up today. i did reschedule for monday, but my doctor just doesn’t see how much trouble I am in. She doesn’t understand. I told her about the rapid cycling and she told me to take a benedryl to help me sleep and a little bit extra naltrexone. she said to work on DBT. I don’t know what to do. I mean I couldn’t have thought that there would be some magical solution, but I wish she would take this for what it is. And Mom and my friend Pami. They don’t understand the severity of it and I don’t know how to get help when no one understands how badly I need it, and what type of help I need, I need something more than DBT. I just don’t know what. sorry i’m rambling now i’m just….arrg…..i don’t know anything.
I’m glad you re-scheduled for Monday… It seems like the doctor provided a short-term strategy to get you through the weekend. I’m not saying it was the right thing… but with an in-person appointment on Monday, it probably makes sense for the doctor not to do anything too complicated right now.
I read the other posting / discussion and I wanted to offer my insights. If you don’t tell everything to the doctor on Monday, you’re not helping yourself. This isn’t about working around a 72-hour hospital window or how to use one option over another. If you want to help yourself, and I know you do, you’ll give the medical staff the knowledge they need to help you. Just as important, I hope you follow their advice.
I know you’re nervous about school and Mom. Your life is so important in that regard. Take care of it. I really want you to be happy… You deserve it. But nobody can give you the resources you need if they don’t know what resources to provide. Please think about it.
You can ramble… Talking is good… and much better than holding it in.
don’t worry, distant.road, i have resolved to tell her everything. My mom talks about the wording, making it sound a certain way. I can’t do that anymore. I need to be blunt. Especially with her attitude. My leg is looking worse and worse and i’m just hoping we can come up with something. anything at this point. the obsessions with death haven’t gone anywhere. and to add to it the person next to me in class must have noticed i was writing the class journal on suicide and told the teacher and i’ve had a strike three with residence life. i just can’t help think about killing myself….almost fantasizing in a way. i know that sounds terrible, but sometimes it sounds so good.
Strike Three with Residence Life? (When I was in college, I was a student manager in the residence halls… It was a good position and it kept me out of trouble. Sometimes it took a lot of effort not to do anything wrong… but there was too much to lose.)
I hope Monday allows you to talk about what’s happening in your life… and I hope that strategies can be discussed for working through them. I know there is a lot going on… If it’s broken down into smaller pieces, hopefully it will be easier to work through.
… and, um, please don’t pull the fire alarm…. I really hated 3am fire alarms in the dorms — er, residence halls. (just kidding….)
i never was reported to res life for anything other than trying to kill myself, but i see ur point. god i have t o survive till tomorrow. the blade is taunting me. i hate the night
You can do this sparkeyes… No doubt. None at all.
Spark
Arange a new appointment. Is there anyone that can take you or that you can go with?