Damaged Goods

I dont know where to begin. I was an only child of divorced parents. Both of them remarried when I was 5. My dad and step mom brought  my wonderful brother in this world when I was 7. I was young then so i really didnt see where the attention was going. But as the years came and went and i was around 13 thats when I started cutting myself, in middle school. 8th grade to be exact. I used to lie about it and say that I cut myself on a bush or some bull shit like that. I used anything I could, broken glass, metal objects, tree branches anything that was sharp where I at least can draw a little bit of blood. Once highschool came around I really didnt talk to anyone. I had a few friends but wasnt part of the “IN” crowd.  My friends at the time cut as well. In 9th grade I had thought about taking my life may times but never did. I just didnt want to go on. I no its selfish but I didnt give a shit. My brother had all of the attention, but he didnt know better. Another thing to add to my thoughts were bc of my weight. Im not fat but im not skinny either. I didnt date anyone until 11th grade. I was a loner, I wasnt the blond bombshell that all the guys liked. No one really paid attention to me, no one really liked me. I felt like i was just a waste of space, time and money. I always felt like i was a burden on my parents. I used to tell myself that they only say I Love You bc thier my parents. I felt like they said I was pretty/beautiful only to make me happy. I just wasted their time. I knew I should’ve of just taken my life. No one understands why i feel this way. My parents say i did all of this for attention, what attention know one cares about me, so what attention am i getting. My problems seem to really start after highschool. In 2006 I started dating Alex, I loved him but i know he just wanted sex outta me but i didnt care. Someone was actually telling me that they love me without being family. We were on and off for over a year. Then I started dating this guy Jerry, i was so “inlove” or so i thought. We started dating September 28th 2007 and i ended it in June of 2009. During the first part of the relationship everything was amazing. things started to change about a year and a half into the relationship. I started to receive beatings from him when we would fight. Left bruises on me and I would lie and say it was fro work. That’s when I started to cut more often. I was getting the useless feeling back. He drove me to the point where him and i were fighting and i cut myself in the bathroom and walked out and smeared the blood all over him and said “you happy now?”. I ended things with Jerry  bc i couldnt take the abuse, and I fell “inlove” with my best friend Chris. Jerry was the clingy type. I cheated on him with Chris bc he wouldnt let me break up with him. Anyways. Chris is where my suicide attempts come in. I was given Xnax for anxiety, and that became my bestfriend. Chris was a Heroin addict and I started doing Xnax more and more. My meds were not working for me. I started to go to counciling and my problems were just worse and worse. I wrote in a juornal all the time saying how much i hated my life. Know one knew how bad it really was, they just thought oh she has depression like her mother. they used to ask me whats so hard in life that makes you depressed? the only answer i had was life. Then they would just say “You havnt even been through life to know what it does” or whatever they would say. I cut all over my body. my arms are covered in cuts, mostly the left arm, which is now being covered up with tattoos. Hips, lower stomach, legs, top of arms. I didnt care. Like a drug addict I had a rush when i would cut. I loved seeing my own blood going down my arm. Anyways, as Chris and I dated, the drug amount started going up. I was taking so much Xnax, my head wasnt on straight. I went to a Physc ward in August 2009, didnt do much help. When I got out still did drugs and my depression was in overdrive. I was working for my grandpa at the time and i went into work on monday and he basically fired me. I stole 24K gold, I dont remember doing it but i  guess i did. After that i went home wrote my suicide note, cut my arms to hell, smeared the blood on the paper, texted my friend and told her i was leaving for good this time. I tried calling Chris but his dad wouldnt let me talk to him. I went to the garage grabbed the ladder and the chain and i couldnt do it, i laid on the garage floor with blood all over me until Taylor showed up. she rushed me to the hospital where they admitted me. she called my family. My dad and uncle came up there, my mom to. My granny and pa rushed down here from outta town. I ended up in the mental ward for 6 days, where they took me off of my bestfriend, xnax. While i was there i just kept asking myself “why, why me, why am i the peice of shit, why am i the burden to everyone, why, why didnt i go through with it, i would of been much happier outta this fucked up world”. I’m 2 1/2 years clean now, somewhat stable. Engaged to my wonderful fiance. To this day I still think about cutting, just the littlest things set my off and i want that stress relief. I still feel as if im still that burden child, no one to this day seems to understand why i did what i did. my depression is sneaking back up on me but im trying to keep that maintained. There still are days where I just wanna end it all. the only thing holding me back is my fiance.. but thats my fucked up story