I never thought I’d be posting on a site like this…and if you saw me walking on the streets you probably wouldn’t guess that I’m a person who’s pretty darn tired of life. My aunt says I have a pretty good life; objectively speaking, I guess I do. Good parents and safe upbringing. Pretty healthy. Til high school mostly all I did was study, and it paid off because I attended a top public university in my state, and I guess until then everything was good. I don’t know why, but something’s happened since then. During my freshman year of college I joined a really close-knit church and stayed with them for a total of 5 years…even after graduating from college with a Bachelor’s degree. I thought I belonged there, and thought God had plans for my future.
Even during college there were warning signs that all wasn’t right in my seemingly-good life. Maybe it was the major I chose, but even though I was at a top university and did “OK”, I wasn’t succeeding in life. In December 09 my grandfather died and I think that was the first “obvious”, devastating event that threw me off. I was confused. About the meaning of life and what I was supposed to be doing, academically, spiritually, socially…whatever category it was. Things didn’t come together. I wasn’t prepared for the real world, I guess. I graduated early in Dec 09 and planned to move in with the church and get a job. Actually, for a period, things seemed to be getting better. I was living with church friends, volunteering, just getting adjusted to the new grad lifestyle and applying for jobs…I was even baptized that April.
But as the year went by, I saw my friends and peers move on with their lives (get good jobs, for one) while nothing seemed to be happening to me. It’s been about 2 years since then and I am still unemployed, having never gotten a first “real”, proper job for one who has a Bachelors from a good university. Oh, sure I’ve kinda filled in the time with various activities: for a while I was studying for the LSAT/applying to law school, doing lots of volunteer work, including abroad, and applying for jobs. But I am still unemployed…it’s almost surreal that it’s gone on so long. By the day I feel as if I am losing hope that I will ever be employed because the longer one is without a job, the chances of getting a job decrease. I am now living with my older sister (who is gracious to let me do so), but some days I really can’t stand to get out of bed; to have to stay home and “job search” all day, knowing that the pickings are slim for one without a lot of job experience and a humanities major…I’m going crazy and am beginning to think suicide is the logical option. I look at all my peers who have jobs and are moving on…while I’m stuck here. Oh, just to clarify…I left that church a year ago because of some lingering problems I had with its practices and haven’t been back since. I don’t plan to return. But suffice it to say that most of my college friends were from there, and it was a huge community of support for me at the time. Now that I’ve left it for good, I am pretty much alone, and have no idea how/where to make friends. It doesn’t help that I’m a naturally shy person. But as impossible as it seems to get a job…it seems equally impossible to make new friends post-college, without resorting to craigslist or something.
To sum it all up, I feel absolutely dehumanized. As if I am losing brain cells every minute I am unemployed. I have lost the ability to focus well, to enjoy activities that one should enjoy. I am so angry that my life has turned out this way, that this is what’s happened to me even though I have an education, even though I’ve tried. Even though I would consider myself a relatively good person and have a desire to help others. I am tempted to say I’m really angry with God, but truth be told I don’t think I believe in him anymore. Blame it on the hormones, but more lately I’ve been crying much more than I’ve ever done in my life…I just can’t stop thinking negative thoughts about my life, and I mostly believe all of them. I’m a 24-year-old female who is jobless, friendless (well, not quite but might as well be it seems), boyfriendless. I have lots of “good” people and things in my life, but it’s not enough…I hate my life and how I’m living it. Yes, I know I should do something about it. But sometimes I wish it would all just end for me, or that I had the courage to end it.