So, I’ve never kidded myself about my life, or in this case, death. I’m not concerned with proving to myself I matter to someone, and I’m not just being a drama Queen. I’m not doing this because of a high school romance or because my Daddy won’t get me a new Ferrari What I feel isn’t really even sadness or anger. In fact, I rarely even talk to anyone about my problems, and most people think I’m an optimist.
I just feel an unbearable blankness bearing down on me all the time. Knowing that I am nothing. My grades have dropped, and I can feel people’s expectations of me dropping, but I can’t explain to them why. It feels like any hopes or dreams I had of a future have been wiped clean, now I can’t possibly imagine existing for one more day. It feels like all my colors, everything that made me what I am have leaked out of me, and I don’t know what to do with what’s left. I feel like my only choice is to try and die, before I fade away completely.
And that’s it. I can die with what I have, or fade into nothing. I don’t know who I am anymore, and the thing I’ve changed into I hate. I’m sick of greys, I want my colors back, and this is the only way to do it.
2 comments
Many of us are in the same place. Leaving this place would be fkg great!
You express your feelings exquisitely well. You are definitely depressed. I wish I had an easy answer. Have you tried an anti-depressant? Killing yourself is not as easy as some think. We all have a strong survival instinct in the end. You also sound quite mystical. There are other ways of viewing life than those you have been shown. You are not “nothing.” If you were “nothing,” you would not feel so deeply.