Apparently everything I feel is wrong. What I feel towards her is all wrong. It isn’t love that I feel towards her, but something else entirely that is unknown to me. Is it obsession? So be it. Because it is only obsession, even when she and I were in and relationship what I was feeling towards her was wrong because what I felt then is what I feel now. Only, now the added weight of missing her has been added to the mix. But, wait. I can’t miss her because what I feel is wrong. So, I don’t miss her. And if I don’t miss her then what the hell is it that I am feeling.
Could it be loneliness. That is possible however for the better part of my life I’ve spent my time alone. Sure, I’d be around people but I’d never let them in close enough for me to truly be next to them. One winter holiday I spent the entire break in my room reading; I only came out to eat or use the restroom. Some summers I spent the entirety of the break in class; when I got home I was studying; I didn’t spend time with people. So if I’m used to be alone, how can I be lonely? Especially after something that only lasted three to four months. But, I guess I’m wrong about all of this…
The story I told her about the afterlife and being saved could make one believe I was looking for a codependent relationship. It’s a story about devotion, complete devotion. But, I don’t want a codependent relationship — I never wanted that. If anything every relationship I’ve had(or wanted) has been counterdependent. I hate depending on people and I try to avoid it altogether. But, I guess I’m wrong about that too. She was right in saying I wanted a co-dependent relationship. She was right in saying that I’m a quitter. Those were the only reasons she gave me; in a three and a half hour phone conversation that’s all she could say so she must be right.
Why is it that I have to lose everything that I want, but I can never be sad about it or angry about it because there are people that are worse off in the world?
I don’t want to be with anyone else but her and because I can’t be with her I’m wrong. Then people say: it’s your choice. But they say it with a portentous quality like I’m doing something wrong. I don’t know what it feels like to lose the love of my life? I don’t know what it feels like to feel my “heart” ripped from my chest, my body enveloped and permeated with pain, my mind screaming because all reality is gone and the only thing I know to do to try to restore grace is to kill myself.
Deep down I know I’m not a quitter, but then I know I’m wrong because I’ve quit everything; I haven’t worked for anything in my life. I’m tired of losing. I’m tired of people making decisions for me because they think it best. I’m tired of people saying “I don’t want you to change” when people change every moment.
I just want one thing. But wanting only that one thing shows just how permanently wrong I am. So, then I should know that I shouldn’t want it. How does one tell their heart “no”?
3 comments
Your not wrong at all. They way you are feeling at the moment is perfectly normal. As with everything when you experience something for the first time or not very often it can sometimes be overwhelming. In that situation it is probably best to stand back and assess the situation. What for things to happen on there own. When it is called for, be assertive in a confident yet reserved manner.
You know those old agony aunts who’s columns you read in the newspaper, well not cool dudes like us, but people read them even send in letters. I’m starting to sound like one of those and I assure you, it is disturbing me far more than your problem. 30hrs and still cant sleep. I am thinking about going for the world record which is 11 days. Instead I might just change my name to Linda and get a job with the local paper.
Every post deserves a response so, that was mine.
Thank for sharing and taking the time to write it.
thanks for the reply. It definitely cheered me up. Hope you get some sleep soon. I understand your pain. I’ve tried pretty much every sleeping pill in the book and they all do absolutely nothing. And if you can’t get some sleep, good luck with that record.
Nope, still here. Whats suprising is that i am still able to function effectively. Imagine what would happen if I was fully wound up.