This whole thing is just so confusing and depressing. Last month I spent 3 weeks in a psych ward. I was brought in handcuffs in an ambulance having swallowed 59 pills and downed a bottle of vodka. The doctors call it an episode. I cut my long hair to above my ears too before the police came. I guess I should fill you in: I had this episode around 2am one night near the end of Feburary. On top of the booze and pills, I cut my hair and was kicking things and throwing things at walls, screaming and making rediculous amounts of noise. I’m in university and live in residence so my best friend who lives across the hall heard me and tried to calm me down. By then I had blood all over my hands from cutting my wrists – a personal hobby of mine. When she tried to chill me out I just started screaming at her to fuck off. That’s when she dialed 911. Both her and my other friend met the ambulance at the hospital and stayed with me. At first I was restrained to the bed and the doctors were running tests so my friends had to sit in the hall. After they got me sedated a few hours later they let me friends in. At some point after all this I passed out. I woke up around 10 the next morning with my stomach just begging to be amputated. It really wasn’t enjoying having to process all those drugs. On top of that, even though I’m told I was wake for all of it, I can’t actually remember anything that I just told you above – my friends had to fill me in – and 3 psychiatrists came into the room to interrogate me. (I’m sure you can tell that I was just pissing smiley faces and rainbows that morning.) This little chat resulted in me being placed in the psych ward. While there they set up a treatment plan for my depression and anxiety for when I became an outpatient. For the first 4 days I refused to contact my family but when my friends threatened to do it themselves I called. I had wanted my family to know before then too, but I have 2 little sisters and I didn’t want to distract my parents (who live across the country) from them. My mom flew out after that and came to help create the plan. I had to drop 2 courses (probably won’t even finish the ones I’m still in), am seeing the psyciatrist once a week, behavior therapists once a week and my counsellor once a week as well. I also got put on new meds – zopiclone, cymbalta and seroquel.
Ok. So now that you’re caught up…,
I’ve been out 3 weeks and this new plan – while helping me figure things out – is not helping with my mood in the slightest. It seem like some sort of cycle. I’ve got a constant depressed undertone and then my mood is completely fucked. I have a period of acting normal, then a period of being super hyper followed by this twighlight zone – esque period where it’s as if I’m in a movie. Reality doesn’t feel completely real. It’s a dazed, other worldly place, similar to how you feel when you’re drunk but you can still feel the sober part of your brain even though it has no control. After that fucked part it’s like I go blank. My memory and awarness slips away like it did when I was hospitalized, not that that was the first time I’d felt it. It was just the first time I realized it was all part of this hellish cycle.
I wake up everyday and feel like I’m fighting for my survival – like I have been for the last 3 years. It’s exhausting. I’m tired. And, I CAN”T DO IT ANYMORE.
I still cut at least once a week and this cycle makes me crazy. My doctor even wanted to re admit me to the hospital last week. The next night I hit a blank pot and woke up just in time to stop from hanging myself. I know all this means I need to go back to the hospital, that I’m not safe. Thing is, I am safe lots of the time, I just can’t control when I won’t be. Part of me feels I’d be a waste of a bed, the other that it wouldn’t work anyway since it’s too short term.
What scares me is long term care is the only thing I see working. That to heal I first need to be stripped of my life and the need to feel like its a battle. But to do that I need to let go of my current life. Even though it’s just for now, thats alot. What if it doesn’t come back? What if it doesn’t work? And the main question:
Can I even do it?
5 comments
At least you have good friends who were worried about you and stayed.
Wish that Big ****** would stop trying to intefere with everyone’s personal business. Someone could come into a psychLIEayrist’s office saying that they’re lonely and all of a sudden their on 200mg of three different prescriptions. Quite frankly it’s disgusting that they continuously pump out these toxic drugs to people who have torturous lives and only rant answers. It’s downright sickening.
Meds don’t work, take it from someone who knows. There is not and never will be a happy pill that can solve problems, and the psych doctors know this, but just wanna make a quick buck. Therapy will probably help, depending on how willing you are to open yourself up. I suggest following your gut feeling through and through.
In the UK meds are subsidised. Regardless of how much they cost you only pay £7.40. There not so quick to dish them out over here. I have been on several and although they sometimes bring about improvement it never lasts. There is no miracle drug to bring you back to your best. They are there to try and make life tolerable. That’s not enough for me.
I’m in Canada and it’s simialr here. The dr.s don’t make more by prescribing because they can only take their salary and that comes from the gov’t.
@abnormal: I disagree with your opinion about psychiatrists. There may be bad ones out there, but it sounds as if useless girl is in good hands. Using clever word games does not make what you say true.
@uselessgirl: it’s still early in your treatment. Meds like that take a while to really work Persist and most importantly be honest with your psychiatrist so they know what works and does not work for you. Without your feedback they cannot help you, so tell him all this stuff about this cycle, reality not feeling real etc.