Has anyone ever kept years worth of emotion bottled up to the point where you’re afraid to release it anymore? to the point that you feel every ounce of rage you can muster suddenly flare whenever the slightest thing irritates you?
This is my third post. It’s been a couple weeks since my last and I’ve gotten a bit better; my first two posts would’ve persuaded any psychiatrist I was ready and willing to commit suicide. I’ve gotten better. Things have started looking up a bit. But that pain still lingers. And with it, an anger I can’t even begin to describe. All my life I’ve striven to maintain control over my anger. When I was little I would watch my Dad blow up, my mom too, and just try to cover my ears and tell myself, “it’ll be over soon, it’ll be over soon…” I knew I didn’t want to be like that. I’m a Cancer (for anyone out there that follows the Zodiac you’ll better understand) so my emotions are naturally pretty volatile. It’s taken a lot of effort to contain them.
Now I feel like I can barely maintain control. I’ve passed the point where I’m afraid what may happen if I release it again. Back when I was in seventh grade I cut loose on a guy in my class who had been practically bullying me for three months prior. IÂ was tired, sick, and in a bad mood overall. He just chose the wrong moment. It didn’t go far at all, the teacher stopped me and I regained my senses before I could do any damage, but still it showed me just how much I had held in. That was years ago, and I still bottle things up… I mean yeah I felt better, but I couldn’t believe how I’d just let myself go… my depression doesn’t help at all, it just erodes my barriers and provides holes for it to escape through. I’ll have days where I feel like I’m about to tear through a wall just to vent and others where I can’t be in the same room with someone who for some reason or another has gotten on my bad side.
I don’t let anyone see it though. I put on a smile and act like nothing’s wrong. Doing that just hurts though. I imagine a day when I can finally find a girl that can soothe all that pain. The pain never ends… I just want peace…
If you want to better understand this, see my earlier posts- “Admitting it and hoping someone is listening”, “What IS the point?”
**DISCLAIMER** I’m not a Zodiac follower or anything, I’ve just read up onÂ it and find it interesting from a philosophical standpoint