What kind of vows are out there aside from marriage vows?
I understand that there are common-law marriages wherein a couple lives together for a certain time and are then deemed married although they’d never taken any legal action to certify the marriage.
I understand that there can be a vow between any two people or any number of people(e.g. I vow to do…)
So, what makes one vow stronger or more acceptable than the others?
A friend of mine recently argued to me that a breakup that I’d gone through could not compare to the troubles(a temporary separation) in his marriage. He went on to list everything he’d said in his marriage vows, then on to list how he felt in not wanting to share the information that he and his wife had split with his family.
He said the turmoil of my breakup would never compare to that of his marriage. For one thing, everyone’s experience is subjective and there is no way anyone can completely comprehend another’s emotional state. And on another note, he has no idea how angry his statement made me. Only because a certain vow was said between myself and my ex(and I generally take it that when someone says something they are going to do it) and that vow wasn’t said before a priest or a legal authority, that vow between she and I doesn’t really matter. She conveyed the point that she would marry me.
He said I wouldn’t know what it’s like to have to lie to family members about the whereabouts of wife over the holidays; I wouldn’t know what it’s like to have her call and text asking for you to come back home. Of course I wouldn’t know how those things felt in regards to him; they are his own experience. But that shouldn’t lessen the way my breakup affected me should it? I would have had to lie if I didn’t break down and attempt suicide; I would have had to put on the pretend happy face and act like everything was going to be okay. Another thing is for sure, although I wouldn’t know what it’s like to constantly receive calls/texts and want to go home, but instead choose not to because of the pain, I do know what it’s like to have the woman you were going to marry literally drop off the face of the earth(one day I’m talking to her and the next day she’s completely gone — and I have no idea why).
Is there a difference between vows or promises or ideas conveyed(e.g. I would marry you). I see a difference, but why would a person verbally convey the idea of marriage if they have no intention of going through with their statement; to me, in even mentioning: yes I will marry you(or any derivation of that statement) is the same as a vow said before a priest.
By the way, he and I aren’t friends anymore.
I would really appreciate you all’s input as this is a major concern to me…
8 comments
first i want to say,i’ve never been married. so basically,i don’t know anything.:P but i can see both sides. also,i think you both were in a lot of pain and comparing pain with someone else is never a good idea.how could either of you know who was hurting more? why would that matter anyway? i’m surprised he would say something like that to you because i think your right-you still broke up. i think the amount of time you are together is more significant than a marriage maybe? i think he was probably just really hurt. but also,if there were kids involved,i do think that complicates things more because your forever attached to that person,you don’t ever get a clean break. plus you have the pain of your children to deal with,so in that respect i do think it would be worse.i think it just depends on your individual relationship.
no kids are involved in either relationship
Actions speak louder than words. What a person does means a lot more than what they say.
Lucy is right- the difference between those situations is that your girl said she would marry you but didnt. Can u imagine how much worse u would feel if you actually been married for a year, and then she drops off the planet? Although I agree it was pretty callous of your frien to negat your pain, I assume he was hurting and lashin out and just not thinking straight… I hope that’s not the reason why the friendship ended. Friendships are too rare and precious to throw away over a silly fight
Hello, I just got your email. I thought about this more and… well, I guess different people have different standards. Like, some people SAY stuff they have no intention of doing all the time. Other people take their word more seriously. So because everyone places different amounts of value on words, I guess that’s why it’s more accurate to judge actions rather than words.
A marriage vow is generally slightly different though, because it’s in front of everyone you care about. It’s sad that people work this way (needing external policing), but all those witnesses does put you under greater pressure to keep your promise. I’m much more inclined to believe a promise that was made in front of all these people, in the eyes of the law, that takes considerable effort to execute, than I am a promise made from one partner to another.
Thanks for the reply
It depends on the individual. The bastard who used to be my supervisor at work who is probably reading my comments on this forum got a divorce from his wife. Don’t blame her for leaving him, can just imagine the mind games he would play on her. Anyway, he just went straight to India and brought a new wife over. Just like that. Some people have no conscience, they were put on this earth solely to destroy the lives of others. It’s in their nature. Like some dogs, no matter how kind you are to them or if you beat them, they will always turn. Untrustworthy and deceitful. What goes around comes around.
The wild ride of life does not support these vows we take with each other. Best indication of that is the divorce rate. I’m not a proponent of marriage myself.
My relationship is about myself and my partner. How everyone else perceives it…I could care less, I’m not living or sleeping with them.
Vows do not secure a relationship between anyone. There’s no way to qualify any relationship unless you are the person in it.