I’m not sure but I just don’t want to play by the rules of life and nature… I find it unfulfilling & tiring. I see no other choice but to deliberately end it. I am shocked at the rate people bring new babies into the world when it is such a struggle to find any sort of value that is greater than the cost in getting it to make it worthwhile.
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For those people the struggle is worth it.
I’ve never understood it either.
The things that so many seem to value the most, relationships-family-children-friends, also require a sustained effort to maintain in addition to effort put out in order to maintain food shelter and water.
And even though connections are supposed to make you more emotionally healthy, when those people harm you it causes way more pain than if a stranger or less connected person does so.
Whereas non interpersonal things like solo reading, gaming, sports, movie viewing, etc are said to be emotionally adverse and yet are usually easy to do and involve comnsiderably less effort than the more social avenues. And less suffering if one has to lose access to one or more of these whther short or long term.
My goals are impossible. And the reasonable goals I have set have not been worth the effort put into them. So like you I choose to end things.