Honesty is a virtue. Especially with the degree of deceit in our world. Even the kind that is told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Or the kind told not to betray a secret. The kind told to let someone keep hope or faith. The kinds told that keep our current system running. And the kinds that are told to deliberately injure, harm, and hurt.
Sometimes we tell them to ourselves. And then comes the time where it is easier to fabricate a tale rather than tell your loved ones the truth. Of course when they find out the truth it will hurt them, but better tha them running ragged trying to help fix a situation that is beyond their abilities to contend with.
It’s rather strange. Mostly I’ve been the one doing the comfroting, the fixing, the nurturing, being on call in emergencies, even though they pretty much disowned me for my lifestyle choices. And even though they accused me of lying about the abuse. Given the culture I am from and how things were back then, things were denied and covered up more.
But my mom and aunt have always sort of went against the rest to not chastise me about things. And I had to lie to them about my plans. And I felt extremely bad about it because I’m honest to a fault with them and everyone else. (excluding law enforcement, IRS, and similar agencies depedning on the situation. I aint no snitch). They asked me why all my stuff was packed up and why i had given so much away and I told them a nice little tale about going to Asia. Which made sense because they are aware how much I’ve wanted to go.
One good thing, my company has a portable pension plan. Which means I can get my money out as soon as I resign. Which gives me plenty to go see my little cousin in Houston, give out some last minute gifts, and probably actually go to Asia before I go.
Take care all.
12 comments
Hello… deception isnt necessary… if u choose to do this.. let them kno in sum way… a note or something… go see ur cousin go to asia if need be.. but let them kno.. :l
signed,
-A friend xo
Well I was going to mail copies of my notes on the day of. And instructions on using the money I left to cremate me.
But with the pension thing I’ll just leave and they will think I went to the monastery as I told them.
Which will spare them grief of knowing the truth.
And the pain of worrying about what they could have done.
maybe monastery isn’s such a bad idea, for real. i was the healthiest for the period i had something resembling a spiritual life. even if it’s all a hoax, it serves a purpose for humanity.
@kriisha
I’m done with this world.
I’m done with being human.
There never was a point.
But to be a predator or prey just like the other animals.
And neither ever appealed to me.
And choosing neutrality gets you nothing.
@Owen
I hate telling lies to other people and I always avoid to lie, its the way my parents educated me. So this is not a lie:
wish I could know you much better, ( you sound like someone worth knowing)
maybe you don’t see a point in living, honestly I also don’t see a point in living. Life makes no sense. But You can give your life sense, but you don’t need to. Do it like me, I am just alive. Humans are made to live. Wish you a good time in Asia and please don’t leave us. 🙂
I can see your point
the thing is I (still) decided to tell a few people about my suicide contemplation, people who I assessed deserving to be mentally prepared .. I don’t want them to feel overly guilty nor betrayed, keep telling themselves they should have picked up on my intent
if they subconsciously choose to be deceived by their egos (I should have .. I could have .. how come I didn’t .. how could he do this to me ?) instead of accepting there’s nothing they could have done, it’s no longer my problem
“I’m done with this world.
I’m done with being human.
There never was a point.
But to be a predator or prey just like the other animals.
And neither ever appealed to me.
And choosing neutrality gets you nothing.”
I can relate to this ..
a rather objective, detached approach to life while the majority seems to be ok with being slave of their egos
I gotta get the fuck outta here !
Your posts are beautiful. I wish you the best in whatever you choose. Whatever it is, I hope it makes you happier because you deserve it.
You have so much to offer. It really hurts me very deep when I hear someone like you talking like this. In the short time I have been on this website you seemed to have helped many. To go from helping so many to just absolute nothing, endless void, total blackness in a nutshell done. I am sorry if this sounds selfish of me but please at least consider staying for the people that need you. You really do seem to have your mind made up about all this but it never hurts to take a second or even a third look at things. Done is so definite no turning back then to say Whatif. Sincerely Tami
I hear you. But how do you know for sure that ending your life would be the right thing? What if you get to the other side and realize that ending your life was a mistake….it would be too late then to turn the clock back it has been done. Also, why are you sure that being a “prey/ preyed on” or “neutrality” are the ONLY options in this life?
@truth,
Not trying to convince anyone of my way, but I never truly believed in a lot of things. I just paid lip service to get my folks to stay out of my face until I was old enough to leave home and survive on my own. And their philosophies stayed with me until adulthood even though evidence was to the contrary. So now that my youth is gone I might as well go too. No need to keep going through memories of abuse and physical pain anymore. Let those who choose to live do so in grace. Respect.
@myheadhurts, Thank you.
@Murphy(Tami) , Not selfish at all dear one. I really do hear what you are saying. Had I not been planning this exit for most of my life, then I’d be a bit more open to stay. And had my only issue been not achiving a certain goal by a certain age, well I’d stay as well.
But through some of my own stupid decisions and the betrayal and abuse of others I’ve had mental and physical pain from temporary to long term. I hate that I’ll be eventually leaving people who have benefitted from my words. for I do possess compassion. It is just that my own selfish desire for an end to pain and toil overpowers it. Then again I’m not gone tomorrow so who knows.
@girlwhofelltoearth
I am sure it is for me. I am going to die anyway. And I’d rather die in middle age with my current infirmities than to stay till I’m old and things get worse. And hey if there is more than just the end of existence i am expecting I’ll probably find a way to get out of that eventually as well. From the time I was a child I did not want to exist. I observed the things people did and went through and it held no interest to me as far as living in such fashion. And around that time I was sexually and physically abused by a friend of the family and a relative. And that further limited my interest in living while at the same time forcing me to want so much power nobody could ever touch me again. Decades later I am still here and still weak, lol.
Dear one, those are the base instincts of what we humans are. We can add an overlay of meaning, beliefs, ethics, philosophy, religions, social structures and morals but we still battle to attain and maintain food , shelter , and water.
And adding overlays is just not in my being even though I do understand and respect them in order to communicate with and empathize with others. They are not the only ways though.
So you do you believe that the only route to peace is through an end to consciousness itself? That there is not another way? Isn’t everything simply about the evolution of consciousness and isn’t the multiverse full of limitless possibilities? I’m not saying thast I disagree with you, or have the answers. I’m just saying that I have had the same feelings that you have expressed. I sometimes feel afraid that it may just be a pointless cycle of duality etc. However in my human form, my understanding is limited, and there might be so much more to all this. The truth might be simple….we (life) may exist in order that consciousness casn experience itself, but not necessarily in the way that it is seen here on our planet. There may be dimensions governed by different laws and different ecosystems that do not depend on life feeding on life, and existence may simply be co-creativity/ harmony…..or something!