When i was in rehab and after a few days i finally had a clear head again, when i did i started having a recurring dream.
To this day im not sure if it is a dream or a nightmare.
I wrote this in my journal after the third night.
Dream or Nightmare
I have had the same dream for the last three nights. In the dream i woke up in our bed and she was not lying beside me. I bend over and turn on the lamp. I can hear crying off in the next room. I get up walk slowly down the corridor. When i reach the room i am in a room i have never seen before. Its got blue walls and toys everywhere.I See Jane holding a baby, he is crying, she is smiling. She calls me over, her voice low and sweet, she says “look its dada” and her smile is perfectly happy, it fills me joy i cant put into words. I turn around and close the door and when i turn back the room has gone darker, in place of a crib is a bed, i now see a small boy sitting in the end of the bed, hes bent over tying his shoe lace. I say “come on your going to be late for school”, he says “all done” and then runs out the door past me and down the stairs. When i get to the kitchen (still in a house i have never seen before) i see Jane making pancakes and she is very pregnant and has a glow about her. she is humming the song she does every morning. as she turns the sunlight lights up half her face. perfect. I walk into the sitting room and Jane looks older, a tall strong young man is sitting on the couch with his arm around a pretty young woman. He says “we were thinking of having the wedding in may, when the cherry blossoms will be in bloom”, Jane says “Oh that’s a wonderful idea, you know Shane and I met under a Cherry Blossom, he gave me most of his umbrella. that was the day we met” I say “and the day i fell in love”. I put down the tray and when i stand back up im in a black suit, and the room is full of people, I am very old, and my house is full of people. I see a coffin by the window. I walk over slowly with a walking stick, I see that it is Jane. But i do not feel sad, i Feel almost at peace. I leave the sitting room and as i open the door into the hallway time flash’s again and im in old man clothes i suppose, I sit into the chair lift and i hobble into our room. I lay down on the bed and take out my teeth and i lye back and close my eyes. I awake in my bed a young man as i did the first time. I bend over and turn on the light and i can hear crying. I get out bed but now the crying is coming from the bathroom. I walk slowly towards the door, I am shaking and i feel fear, fear like i was a child again. i open the door slowly and (You may not want to read the rest its pretty stomach turning, at least it is to me)
I see that the bath tub is over flowing and the water is red, i keep pushing the door further and further open revealing more of the tub, i stop then i see an arm dangling, my heart starts pounding(its pounding for real), i put my shaking hand against the door and push it the rest of the way. Janes throat is cut and her head turned towards me and her eyes open staring right at me. Then i woke up in a cold sweat and my heart was pounding. I could not get back to sleep after. I just lay there, when i had my eyes open or closed, all night all i could see was Jane’s lifeless staring at me.
That was how i found her in real life. I stood there shellshocked for almost 4 hours with tears in my eyes, Even reading it now makes me feel sick.
I still have the dream but its less often now. I sometimes hope to have it again so i can see her smile once more.
5 comments
I had this recurring dream where I was sitting in a conference room of a building overlooking Londons financial district. There were people sat on leather seats either side of me. I couldnt help but look out the window at the bright blue sky, not a single cloud. Then I see in the distance a mushroom cloud from a nuclear strike. Then I go back in time to a few minutes before and try to warn everyone but no one can hear what I am saying. Then it happens again just like before but this time the room goes bright and the Walls start melting. I can feel the heat, then I wake up. Weird huh. I think we should go to one of them groups where people discuss their dreams and stuff.
I think were already at one of them groups, we discussing dreams right now. Mones pretty simple really, I knew what i wanted back then, I want a family and a life with Jane and when she died it was all taken away from me. A dream within a dream, like inception. LOL
Yours is kinda final destination like, you saw death coming but you couldnt change your destiny, but you tried to save the people in the room and you didnt have to, I think your dream is telling you deep down you want to live.
Yeah I posted a similar one where i was trapped in a building which was disintegrating yet I moved from room to room even though I knew there was no escape. I seem to die in all of my dreams?
Im not sure i would put a question mark were you did in that last comment, its kinda a Ron Burgandy moment.
We all gona die friend, but at least your trying to escape death. I think if you were dead set on suicide you would just sit back in a beach chair with a margarita in your hand and smile as the blast wave hits the building. 🙂
If I was dead set on suicide I would already be dead and not wasting my time on here. I see it as the last resort but an option nonetheless. I have tried to talk about it but it’s too difficult when no one listens. I think of it as the last card that I’m going to play if things go wrong.