It is funny how when people are upset about their issues, one of the main responses they are given is a comparison to people who are considerably worse off by objective comparison.
Nobody brings up people who seem to be considerably doing better by a similar comparison.Â
The motive behind it is understandable, yet since this is a world with no gurantees and one can only control ones actons and thoughts to a limited extent after one is born, why shoul one feel guilty for being born in a country where poverty is less of a problem than say a third world country.
Why should one feel guilty that they do not have cancer, aids, full or partial paralysis, other handicaps, etc especially when some of these things happen through no fault of the victims.
Why should I lay a guilt trip on someone whose main issue is being bullied just because I might have a couple of health problems from birth that cause pain and make some things a tad bit more difficult.
Seems to be counterproductive telling an already depressed person that they should be happy things are not worse. Because they might then focus on how things could get worse and then become more depressed.
15 comments
I completely agree with that. For a while, I felt awful about my depression mostly because when compared to the suffering of some, it seemed self-indulgent and pathetic. But then I realised that it’s no easier for us to change our mindsets and recover from depression or suicidal thoughts or mental illness than it is for a person in terrible physical condition to just get up and be alright immediately. Everything is relative and comparison only builds up the problems.
With all our technology both problems should be curable at this point.
But we have multifunctional cellphones and deadly drone weapons.
Go figure.
@U.N. Owen
I hate that comparison stuff too. If it builds empathy or appreciation that’s one thing but really it smacks of taking pleasure in others misfortune and things could be worse so what’s next?
@NotRealyHereAtAll Everything is relative yep. I have envied physically handicapped people who had just the right balance of love and support to kick ass in life compared to my sorry butt. When I feel better I am glad not have yet another challenge and to have both legs.
Why is it challenge is touted as good all the time? Sometimes I need nurturance and rest, recouping. Muggers should try saying “I’m just going to challenge your wallet” see if that goes over better.
@U.N.Owen With all our technology both problems should be curable at this point.
But we have multifunctional cellphones and deadly drone weapons.
Go figure.
Maybe we are on our way..just slower to do than to think of it? Or perhaps I’m just a pansy ass idealist/cynic in the making?
Good point. Comparison is a kill joy. And no matter how insignificant your problem may be to others, a problem is still a problem (with the potential to grow mean and nasty). Thanks for posting this. I will from now on attempt to refrain from making comparisons.
I agree. I hate the way negative reinforcement, emotional manipulation and passive aggression are used as forms of self improvement. Many people on this site (erm *Procel*) inflict these punishments on themselves, as it’s seen as the most effective means to becoming a better person.
In stead we should be promoting positive reinforcement, and promoting assets. Don’t tell the depressed person “At least you’re not dying of starvation”. Focus on the good things they have instead of the bad things they lack. Like: “At least you’ve got a supportive family” or “at least you’ve got great hair.”
@one_day I prefer to look at it as an accurate depiction of all faults and failings, imperfections, undesirable traits etc
@procel it’s not ‘accurate’ to depict only the faults, failings, imperfections and undesireable traits, without also considering the positive attributes. It’s totally biased.
But tha positive traits do not need changing, ergo they are not important, they are in exsistance and others are (relatively) happy with them so they do not need to be improved or changed, the negatives traits are what require changing so are all that require attention.
@procel in a way you’re right, you might not need to improve the positive traits. But I still think it’s important to remind you of them, because if you ONLY focus on the negative and NEVER reinforce the positive, you end of with a very one-sided distorted perception… hence why you are so down on yourself all the time.
This distorted perception also weakens you. Prevents you from fully utilizing your attributes SO THAT you can improve the negatives. Downward spiral, as they say. For sure, give more attention to the negatives, but don’t forget to pat yourself on the back every now and then.
self praise is no praise, besides what good is it complementing the good when they are out weighed by the bad anyway, seems kinda pointless
I didn’t really mean praise… more reflection. Here is an example why it’s not pointless:
I had to do this roleplay exercise last week, where I had to talk to an angry fucked up 16 year old boy who shouts constantly. My role was to facillitate effective communication. The 16 year old shouted and screamed for 15 minutes about how fucked up the system was, and how he didn’t trust it because it let him down. I listened in silence, and when he was done shouting, I nodded and looked him straight in the eye and told him ‘You’re right.’ He was a bit taken aback by my affirmation. He finally stopped shouting, he became more receptive and open to my questions and I was able to actually get a decent communication going on.
At the end of the exercise, my partner looked at me and said “You’re goooood.”
I reflected – what did I do that was so RIGHT?
I realised it was when I acknowledged that HE WAS RIGHT, that’s when he opened up to me and started to trust me.
I also worked out that when people shout, it’s usually because they feel like they’re not being heard. So the best thing you can do to get a shouty person to shut up is to prove that you’re hearing them – either acknowledging they’re right, or pointing out a falsehood. Anything which proves they’re being heard, that you ARE listening.
My reflecting on a job well done allowed me to understand the techniques that work, and maybe repeat them. Analyising your behaviour when you do something right, hopefully allows you to replicate that by understanding processes, techniques, of a job well done.
Sorry, that went on a bit.
No as always ur a pleasure to listen to, and well done with the 16 year old. This sight must come in handy so not only have u ur own ideas and experiences u have everyone elses on here to draw from as well, i know this is a stupid question but how do u know when u do something right? i mean right and wrong is a matter of perspective, what u think is right is in otheres eyes wrong
@procel this site is definately a great resource of experience and different personalities.
“how do u know when u do something right? ”
This is actually a VERY good question. And you’re right, it’s subjective.
In the above scenario, it was very obvious: I was given a goal. I achieved the goal effectively.
Other times, your ‘right’ might not be someone else’s ‘right’. However much you allow your ‘right’ to infringe on other’s ‘right’ all comes down to ethics.
I guess I feel I’ve done something right when I’ve achieve a (positive) goal that was set by either me or someone else, without having to infringe on the well-being of others in the process.
Exactly how ‘right’ or ‘good’ I did is dictated by eithics… was the goal worthy? Did I have to hurt anyone on the way?
I once worked on a job for a convention to sell weapons… like bombs and missiles and shit. every year theres a convention with all these new weapons and representatives from each country attend to buy weapons for defence force. I could have done an awesome job on it, but it still wouldn’t be ‘right’ by my standards because the goal was… unethical to me. I spend 1 day on the job and walked away. There was no point wasting my time on something that I consider ‘wrong’.
I don’t think I answered your question actually i think that was a tangent. sorry I gotta crash out that @Verum guy is giving me a run for my money and now my head hurts. See you later and geesus crack a book if you have any more exams ok? You wouldn’t believe how much you can get into a last minute cram.
I get what ur saying but that means right is based on ur ethics and morals, mine tend to be subjective and rather missing parts here and there, the parts that are there are good morals the parts that are missing, are rather worrying lol like ur bomb job, for me the only thing i wouldnt like is not being able to go and blow shit up myself, be it a field or a town as long as it goes boom i wouldnt really mind. does that make me bad? Yes i was half following that argument, finally someone nearly as good as u :-p i had one this mornen psychology, only for the fact it was multiple choice i would have been fucked, as it was i only read half the questions before picking an answer, no point studying now, ive another one in half an hour and im very lazy
#MyToo
Maybe i’m just too impatient.
Even though i;ve lost hope for myself others still live.
And it just seems as if the suffering based on our decisions could be mitigated in some way.
Even when you consider those who commit crimes, their decisions were influenced by something negative in their past or present. This does not excuse their behavior but still it does pose some questions about proacttive effort to stop things before they get there.
@one_day
“I guess I feel I’ve done something right when I’ve achieve a (positive) goal that was set by either me or someone else, without having to infringe on the well-being of others in the process.”
My motto exactly. And I try my best to live by it. One thing I do believe in is letting people make their own choices after having been given all possible information.