So, uh, it’s been a while since I posted or commented or anything. I actually wasn’t going to make a post for a while yet, not until I felt sure about making some sort of progress. But I was just lurking, haha, which, honestly, I haven’t lurked for weeks, and I saw one_day was wondering about me. Well, I wouldn’t want anyone to think I might’ve offed myself since I haven’t been around. And I don’t know if anyone else was really wondering about me – just in case, I’m here to let you know.
My last post – I just went over it again – doesn’t leave a good impression of where I’m at emotionally and mentally. I don’t want to speak too soon, or jinx myself, but I’m feeling a lot better now. I’m not going to say that I’m cured or that I’m really happy or my life is perfect. Because it’s not and I’m not. Well, I am happier, to be honest. Not jumping for joy, haha, I’m not explaining this very well.
Let me try this again; the past couple of years have not been the greatest. And the past few months have been the darkest. I have never felt so low and so depressed and so worthless in my life. I have never bottled so much in and kept so many secrets and cried so many tears. I regret my thoughts and my words and my actions – my alienation of others. These things I have to admit I feel slightly ashamed of. That I feel so sick and tired of, that I just want to run for the hills, as far away from them as I can possibly get. I regret them, but they’re a part of me; just one part of me. A time in my life; a time that I’m hoping to move away from. That I’m starting to move away from. Not necessarily forget, though. And maybe, at some point down the road, I’ll no longer be depressed and maybe I’ll make something of a life for myself. Outside forces permitting.
I am so thankful for this site, really and truly. I want to jump to say that it saved my life, but I pause. Because it didn’t actually save my life – I saved my own life. It did, however, change my life. I met some really wonderful people on here. I know some people are a bit skeptical about accepting advice or any words of encouragement from other posters on here, but I’m telling you it doesn’t matter why someone is here or whether they’re in the same boat as you or not. Your words have meaning, and some of your words have impacted me. Yes, you.
When I came here in December I was extremely depressed and feeling suicidal. I felt so alone. I did a Google search on suicide and went through a couple of sites before I found this one. I wanted to die, but I felt compelled to reach out to someone. I almost didn’t go through with it – I’m glad I did. I’m not sure where I’d be if I would have never reached out. Probably worse off or the same as December. That doesn’t always work for everybody, but it helped me, immensely. Now the rest is up to me – it’s in my hands. With a little support, of course.
So, if you don’t see me hanging around as much, you’ll know I’ll be busy working on myself. And, er, not being so hard on myself. I’ll give that a go too. I often wonder how everybody is doing, everyone I’ve ever spoken with on here. So I might check in occasionally, just to see. I hope everyone on this site finds what they’re looking for; hope, respite, peace, friendship, answers, anything. Take care.
30 comments
For what it’s worth I thought you expressed yourself quite eloquently. Not coming to this site is a good thing, it probably means that you’ve turned a corner and found something, whatever it might be that makes living your life a preferable option over ending it. Best wishes in the ongoing struggle…..it doesn’t get any easier as you get older, but if you’re willing to fight you can find a way to soldier on.
Thank you, lucy4. For what it’s worth, best wishes to you too. Soldiering on – probably the best way to put it.
Thanks. You’re not alone in the struggle, it’s an ongoing battle. Never give up! (Optimists are so annoying but I can’t help it).
Haha. Oh, and you forgot, just think positive! Anyway, it is nice to know you’re not alone in the struggle.
I hope things work out(: I’m always here if you need someone. I would love to be able to help you (:
Thank you Logo, much appreciated. :]
hills and valleys … try and stick to the road up on the ridge 🙂
Good to “see” you GG
yoyo dawg
Hey dawg, nice to “see” you too. What’s wrong with hills? ha. I hope things are going well for you… and Betty. ;]
Anytime (:
Hill are good … it’s the valleys that are ‘troublesome” … been mired in them a lot lately – nothing I can’t manage … for now … almost picked up “Betty” today at walmart – singing her siren song and offering her sweet goodness for a low low price … ahh the temptation …
… i opted for Starbursts 😉
cookie dawg
… and potato chips 😛
Are you still working, dawg? Oh, I had Betty’s delicious cake for easter. She does offer up the goods for a low low price. But starbursts and chips are just as good, haha.
I WANT SOME CAKE! 😀 lol
Logo – just buy some Betty brand, she’s the best. haha.
Hi there!
Well said… and it sounds very much like you are making great progress! It might not feel like it now, but the first step is the hardest – recongnising the will to change or take action. Aww… goodgirl all growed up! Anyway, like I said I assume when people leave it’s because they are moving on, or offed (and I didn’t think you were ready to off), so don’t feel pressure to post or come back if you’re not up the the (often daunting) task.
Hello Dawg! Ben Dog died over easter. We were all very sad. But we are going to get a new dog. The house is too empty without a canine prescence.
Hi one_day! I missed ya. Yeah, I am making progress, finally, wooo. Haha, all growed up, yup. Well, I didn’t really think you’d think I’d offed, but just in case. I’m sorry you lost your dog. :[ Are you going to adopt a dog?
Ohhh one_Day! I am sooo sorry! I’m glad you are getting a new mutt though – I lost two in february and the rescue sent me two new sad sacks a couple weeks later – I can never be without a dog (or 5) – I’m completely resigned to that now – it is my destiny
@GG – yup – still working … if i keep it up i won’t need to bother with a proactive exit 😛
chips are like crack for me … you’d think as many as I eat I’d be chunked out … but till a rail … the things we’re cursed with 😉
pack dawg
I’m glad you’re still working dawg, I’d be sad to hear it if you needed a ‘proactive exit’. So, what’s your favorite flavor crack chips? Just plain or sour cream & onion or it doesn’t matter?
Be careful – betty can be a real whore … she’ll turn around and get all “hard” on ya!
stop.
hammer dawg
Jut plain old wavy cut crack … although pringles really give me a chubby
wood dawg
Wavy cut crack is the best. I don’t really like Pringles anymore. What about Doritos?
I’d do them … but i won’t spend money on them … unless I get a hankerin’ for hem … original or cool ranch work 😉
cheezy dawg
Good girl feel free to email me any time.
Ben Dog belonged to my flatmate, but I looked after him a lot. He followed me all over the house 🙂 we got his ashes back and he is sitting on the mantlepiece, the master of the house. I found a no kill large dog shelter that are desperately looking for foster carers. This is perfect for my lifestyle, I can just look after them temporarily until they are rehomed. But my flamate wants a puppy, so he might not go to the shelter.
U guys are making me hungry, it’s a cold rainy day. Gonna go get some chips.
@Dawg, nacho cheese is my fav, but I’ll take cool ranch too.
@one_day, email? Will do, myfakeemail, haha. I hope you can do foster care, might have to convince your flatmate though. Oh, make sure you get the wavy kind of chips. I’m kinda hungry now too, but it’s bed time for me, practically falling asleep at the keyboard. Night ya’ll.
If you send me your email on that account, I’ll give you my real one… i rarely check the fake one.
Now I’d pissed. My favourite fish and chipperie just reoppened as a posh cafe and now for double the money you get half the amount of chips. Bloody inner city yuppies… oh I got hot chips, not crisps. Sweet dreams good girl
Glad to see you are on the road to happiness.
Comforting when someone is able to find their path to living.
Kudos and cheers to you.
Wishing you a great present and a birghter future.
@one_day, I sent you an email. :]
@U.N. Owen, thank you. I know you’re thinking of leaving us soon, I have to say I’ll be sad to hear that, but I hope that things start looking up for you or that you finally find some peace. Good luck.
Surprisingly, this is my only worthwhile reply 🙂 together with feelings of joy.
So glad to hear this. Hope all others are as well as could be too.
Best Regards,
Adastra Per Aspera (to the stars thru difficulty) ….
Glad to see you come out of hiding Addy … although I don’t know why you’d purposely subject yourself to all this depression without cause
all the best
dawg
Lol, hey D man. Just offering my one cent of help & assistance. I don’t see other peoples problems as problems or anything negative (they do) nor do i absorb anothers negative emotions, just try to help when/where i can.
Been well otherwise.
Addy.