Tonight I got home from a night out with friends. I had had an amazing day. I got upstairs, threw off my boots, turned on my laptop and became someone else. Every night I strip for guys to help deal with my depression. I have never admitted it before to anyone. I use it as an outlet for all the horrible things that have happened to me, something to make me feel a bit better. But tonight was different. Tonight I was going to talk to my boyfriend. I havent loved someone like I love Matt in over a year. But it was hard breaking the news to all my other hook ups. I let them know gently. But one man still called me out on what i am “A worthless piece of trash” And just like that I broke. I can think of nothing more than grabbing the sharp scissors next to my bed. I have a confession to make. When i was looking for a website i was actually looking for a pro suicide website. I am hoping this turns out to be better. I am hoping people will help me, not lecture but help me. I have just had two panic attacks in the last twenty minutes and its getting hard to breathe again. I need help. Now. Please. Thank you.
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3 comments
🙁 I am sorry you are feeling so awful right now. You are not a worthless piece of trash.
He is the one who was hooking up with you. He is the worthless piece of trash. You should be honest with the guy you really like. No good relationship can hold out on lies. If that was how you let out your depression so be it. Its just like self harm. People deal with stuff in different ways. This site is a really good site. I have talked to amazing people that will help you. It helps to talk to people who know what kind of suffering your going through. I hope you will stay. Fierce Love 🙂
i have done all those things you just talked about too. what has been helping me stop those things and start to try to create myself without all that pain and abuse and damage is go to a really good therapist who specializes in emdr for trauma. its the first thing ive found in a very long time that seems like it might make living a little more tolerable.
and no matter how youve been made to feel when you were young, and no matter how you keep making yourself relive it because part of you thinks its true, you dont have to let these other people, other abuses, and ongoing abuse, make you into that hurt and damage person. sorry if i sound so trite, and i know its not easy, either. but try find a way that you can deal with the original trauma, and then the future can be different. im sorry if i sound all goody goody and i really do know how you feel and i still go to those places sometimes too, but not quite as often. you are not worthless, you are unique and valuable and should be cherished just for that.