Hello Everybody…

Hello Everybody.

If you are reading this, then I did finally got through with it and killed myself. I know right now that everybody is very very sad, shocked and hurt by this, maybe even angry, but I hope that you will all understand that that I thought about this a lot and have to to no other decision or choice. I’ve spent years and hours thinking about what I have finally done. It really makes sense if you think about it. I am a musician and frankly not really worth any time or effort. Sure I play music, but society itself really has very little use for a person like me. I guess I was just too stupid or pig headed to try or want to do anything else with my life other than music. Nothing ever made me as happy or free.

I guess that’s part of the problem, I am flawed. I have nothing to contribute to society in any meaningful way. All I do is take up air, eat food and get in people’s way. To follow this dream I have racked up lots of debt, debt that I can never pay off. It was all for nothing, a big fucking joke! You see, looking at it this way the best thing I can do is just end it, that way this debt can be wiped clean and I won’t have to go threw years of lying to myself, suffering and being the fuck up I am now. I was a fool to try and follow my heart and my dreams, the world doesn’t care about art or music or connecting with people, the world is a spiraling ball of self destruction and greed, and in the long run, what I tried to accomplish really doesn’t amount to anything because this world we live in is carved up and served to those with power and we are the hapless victims of that system and that power. I’m tired of lying to myself and trying to make it work. I’m tired of thinking I have what it takes when clearly I don’t.

I came to the conclusion today that if I’m such a great person, why did the only woman I cared about, gave everything too and treated with nothing but love, self sacrifice and admiration simply toss me away, leaving me at the time I needed her the most? If I’m such a good musician, why can’t I make a living and be able to feed myself. Why am I not touring the world, making people happy and recording albums? Why don’t people look at me and say, “That person has something special!” Do you see what I’m getting at? There are many people who deserve and struggle for what I want and they deserve it more than I. I’m a nobody, a little worthless speck on the face of the earth, I am not who I would like to think I am, or how other’s humor me to be. Others tell me that I am what I am not simply because it serves their purposes, lines their pockets or makes them feel better. The simple truth is, the world will forget about me, and if you had any god damn sense you would too, and try to do something with your life that makes any sense.

Maybe it is all worth it and I am just too weak and scared to try and go on. Frankly I don’t think this is the case. If it was meant to be, it would be easy, it would just flow, it would just happen. I am stupid, weak, selfish and ugly. I am nobody, I am worthless.

I want to make it very clear that I love each of you and am sorry if I have caused you pain and sorrow. I just couldn’t stand the though of prolonging my suffering and lieing to myself any longer. I couldn’t stand the pain of being defeated, of being lonely, of hating myself and my choices, of being truly miserable. Perhaps after I am gone someone else will take my place and my spot in line and do something useful like cure cancer or go to outer space. Perhaps that is something you can look forward too.

I love you all, good bye and good luck.