I don’t know how, but I stopped feeling. At the time it seemed better than always being depressed and suicidal, just numb myself, make the pain go away. But it’s torture not feeling anything, I see people happy, i see people love, i see people depressed, and i want to hate them, but now i can’t even care. I lie in bed and i cant cry, just stare at the ceiling. I would kill myself, but whats the point? To go from nothing to nothingness. Everybody just sees the mask i put on so i dont freak anybody out but i dont even know why i do that. I want it to end and i would kill myself it i knew it would make it stop. I just want to feel something besides hate and want, something that doesnt leave me feeling like i felt nothing at all.
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I lived life for two years without feeling. I know what it’s like. To be alone, to hate everything… Idk your story. But you’ve probably had some bad shit go down for you to end up here. Being numb is worse than being in pain. It makes you feel inhuman. Like nothing matters. But there’s always sone little hope. Some small candle, burninit’s last inches of wick in a pool of sorrow. It’s flickering, but if you really want to make it burn like a torch and have it light up the darkness, you need something to feed it. Hate and anger are like gasoline. It burns bright and intense, but it destroys everything. Love, compassion, desire for things to get better are the ultimate wick. You just need a place to find them.
How did you find that “ultimate wick”? Was it a person or a thing? I’ve tried but the only thing thats ever gotten me close to something was music, but even that goes away after a bit.
People are good for temporary stability. But they too are like a fire. Feed too much into them and they’ll explode and be gone. Music is a great one. Literature, religion, good deeds, hell helping out at a homeless shelter for a night gives you hope for humanity. It varies from person to person, just be you and find something tht sparks some interest. Maybe a pet or a tv show if youre desperate.
Not that serious love isn’t good or anything. It’s just if you put everything into one person, well, people are tricky. They can up and leave, leaving you with nothing. If you can find someone that’s stable and isn’t going anywhere, go for it. Use them to get better until you start to see other things that make you happy. Just don’t let the person fill up the entire hole. Cuz they can’t do it for very long.
I used to be numb and then I met someone who made me feel again and now he is gone. I’m not sure which is better. Being numb was a hell of a lot easier than this. 🙁
when there so much pain, you go numb, it usually just your mind trying to convince yourself not to feel, but it the inevitable, this feeling are strong and there still here, other wise you wouldn’t be here. the only way to escape it try to move on, but it fuckin impossible to feel it past my heart and mind