I’ve always felt out of place in this world. Someone somewhere made a mistake. I don’t belong here. And I’ve always felt it.
I made one unsuccessful attempt to leave. It happened seven years ago. I was so angry when I woke up and was still breathing. Then, for a short time I thought maybe I can stay here after all.
But I was wrong to ever think that. I’ve always known deep down I didn’t have it in me to make it….to live a full life. I accepted it when I was just a boy. Now I’m 32, and I am getting more and more ready every day. It is just a matter of time.
It has always just been a matter of time.
8 comments
I have felt that. About not belonging here. I’m the same age too. I was so sure that I would die before I turned 19. I was surprised when my birthday came and went. I’m hurting right now. I’ve had depression since I was a little girl. All I can tell you is what I’ ve told myself. I’m still here, so there must be some reason for it. Please don’t give up. I know you are in pain. I wish I knew what would make you feel better. Just please don’t give up!
How strange, a site full of people who feel like they don’t belong.
It’s really sad when I feel like that but I do so often. I feel like its no longer a question of will I but just when. But I keep struggling to fight back. A part of me says I have to keep going and I always seem to pick one thing to keep thinking about even if it’s stupid like waiting for the next book in a series or something. But sooner or later I worry I’m going to run out of those things.
Somethingvague
Sounds like my life to the tee.
I understand a lot.
Fear of another failure , hope(a dirty trick) , and excessive use of fictional books, movies, and games are the only things that kept me here. And those are running out.
It is hard to realize that probably many people feel the same way I do. But I do acknowledge that. And I feel awful for those of you who do. I sincerely appreciate the support. But on the other hand, it only reaffirms my feelings that this life just wasn’t meant for all of us.
I don’t feel like I’ve got much longer. Thank you for being supportive. But I dont’t/can’t/won’t believe it is enough to keep me here. I’m too far gone this time. Thanks again for everything.
ER
A couple of you mentioned having things to look forward to. I’m usually the same way. For me it is concerts. I love live music. I’ve used concerts and traveling to see concerts as my “just hold on until then” moments….just to get through.
Well, I was going to vegas next week to see two Eddie Vedder shows with a great friend of mine. Today Pearl Jam announced that Eddie sustained nerve damage from a back injury earlier this year. The healing hasn’t come as quickly as hoped so the tour has been postponed for 6 months.
It’s kinda funny because I hadn’t gotten my self pumped up for it this time….cuz I’ve been so down the last few weeks in particular. So hearing the news today…I don’t really give a shit about it. On my good days, this would turn my world upside down because I would be dreaming day and night of getting to see him again.
Oh well….one more day. Then one after that…and so on. Hard to look at it any other way.
I just bought a life insurance policy. It has a clause that says it won’t pay if I kill myself within 2 years. I told my wife about it….thinking it would be some sort of hopeful conversation. Honestly, I’m ready to go now. But if my shitty life can help her out somehow, a $2 million life insurance policy certainly can’t hurt. But she refused to even talk to me about it.
In my mind, it’s a HUGE ray of hope that I think I can last another two years. I’ve tried to explain this to her but she refuses to even acknowledge it. All I can say is it doesn’t help with how I feel. If anything it makes it worse. Thinking that today might be the day….and then concluding that I should take more responsibility than that and at least wait out until a life insurance policy can help her out…..and maybe hell freezes over and I can make it past the two years…..and her not wanting to even talk about it….makes it harder.
So please forgive
What I have done
No you can’t stay mad
At the setting sun
Because we all get tired
I mean eventually
There is nothing left
To do but sleep
–Bright Eyes