I’m always depressed even sometimes i can really hide it from everybody -incluiding me- but within me there’s just darkness… like all the bad feelings together at the point you cant make a difference among them, in some moments i want to let me go in that darkness and just desapear, in others i want to hurt myself -even i know i can’t- to make the pain go away for a while.
I think on killing me but i know i’m not strong enough to do it, as same as hurting me, and my friends are sick of me saying once and again how bad i feel all the time… the last week my bff told me to find a gf or bf or wathever person to love me and i would feel better but i know that i will feel ok and then i will remember that i don’t deserve that.
I’ve done bad things, i believe in angels and demons, i actually did some things that i don’t even want to remember, because every time i do, i regret about doing them but i can’t stop and i know i would do it again because the pain makes me. I don’t deserve to be loved or even to be alive but i’m too coward to kill myself…
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if you cant kill yourself that doesnt mean you are a coward it just means you arent ready yet
@gillyflowers I think about it all the time… i even laugh of it when i talk about it in public, it’s like i don’t care but i can’t take my dad pills for once and just die or jump in front of a truck, i imagine everything and that’s the worst because as most i think about it as most i get frozen by the ideas
I know what you mean ’bout feeling a constant depression, even when you’re hiding it from yourself. But I do hope you don’t venture into that darkness…And hurting yourself to make other pain go away is only a temporary coping method…trust me.
I don’t think it’s a bravery or strength that comes into play. I think you need to feel no doubt, and are truly sure it’s the right choice. I think you don’t believe that, and that’s a good thing. I know people can get tired of the “party pooper’ ( since I’m one myself ), so sometimes I do think a break to hide it helps. However, don’t bottle it up, and if these people don’t want to help or support you then they’re not friends. But it’s a two way street, you have to let other people help too… You deserve someone though, don’t think otherwise.
Everyone has bad things in their past, made mistakes, done regrettable things… Have to let it go, it’s in the past – learn from it and move forward( I know that may not be as easy as said… ). Don’t beat yourself up about it… You do deserve love too, don’t downplay your worth. It’s sort of a long process, but need to learn to love yourself and be okay with who you are…
Aye, what gilly said too.
@WillTickin you don’t know what i did, i’m pretty sure i sold my ex-boyfriend soul -even it wasn’t actually on my power- for him to love me forever… later i knew i did something terrible and i fu**ed it because i wanted to protect him for what i did and i ended up tied to him, then i cut what tied us and everytime i see him, i feel like i’m falling into the nothing. I messed up his life and mine just because i tought i loved him…
My friends are really cool but i’m actually really annoying and i try everytime to keep them away form me because what i could do, once i almost kill my own brother because he was playing with a knife sayin “i’ll kill you” i pick it away and then put my hands around his neck, he doesn’t remember because he was only 3 but i know i’m capable of doing something as bad as it and i’m too afraid. I deserve to die
Well I’ve laughed at suicide in public too, I don’t want others to see that I take it as a serious concern…
You’re completely correct, I don’t know what you did. But even saying what you did, I don’t believe there is a “point of no return”, some point that you reach that you’re not allowed to move forward and be happy. Love and relationships can do that…I don’t think you should fully blame yourself – and even so, you’re human. If anything learn from it and see what relationships can do…
I’m sure you’re not that annoying. Do your friends understand that you’re having a rough time…? What do you mean by keep them at a distance? Emotional or physical? How long ago was that, that you did that to your brother? Do you REALLY think you could have done it? Obviously you didn’t. Why do you think you’re so angry or lashing out like that? Also, well I’ve almost been killed by my siblings before too, but they aren’t like that now( well on purpose anyway ). You don’t deserve to die, but me telling you that isn’t going to completely help – need to show yourself that you are worth something and do not deserve death because of the past…
i think your problem is that you havent been pushed far enough yet, it will probably not be long before something in your life happens that will make you more ready to die
@WillTickin the thing with my brother happened like five years ago and i don’t think i could have done it because he’s my own blood and i remembered that when i saw his scared face in front of me and i could get out of the darkness i was in… but if he wasn’t a child and my brother, i don’t know what could had happened.
Believe me I’m annoying! i know it and i do it on purpose the most of the time to keep the peolple away -emotional and sentimentaly- because i don’t want anybody to know what made me be what i’m, i told it to my bff and to my 2nd psycologist, my bff told me to let that behind even it’s hard -he kinda know how hard is for his own past- but after that i treated him like shit because is my nature… we are really good friends but he has given up on me and my constantly depression.
Love is shit, i don’t even really love my family, i kinda hate my mom because she’s crazy in a weard way and i like my dad even he scares me so i don’t know love more than a good time and then pain.
@gillyflowers well it might be this year, when i reprobe the last highschool level… my chemestry teacher hates me and probably will make me take the year again -even i wont ‘cuz i’ll be dead
FIVE years… That’s a lot of time. Plus you recognize you couldn’t have been able to do it anyway. Hm, well that wasn’t the situation and you can’t know what would happen. But I mean really think about it, what do you think would happen – do you think you could actually kill someone? If you could, I’d take that quite seriously…maybe talk out why you may do that, where that darkness is coming from.
Hm, well I don’t know. You’re blocking everyone out, building up a wall and forcing them out…I know you think you’re keeping them safe from you, but you’re also not allowing anyone to help you… How did your 2nd psychologist react? As for the bff, maybe he felt you were not trying? Like I said( I think ), it’s a two way street and you have to try too… But of course, I don’t know that whole situation.
That’s debatable. I’ve seen love pull people through some serious things… But it is complicated. I’m sorry to hear about your parents, hm :/ Personally I have trouble with love too, even my family…-shrug-
I wouldn’t kill anyone, even if i’m too angry or anything, if i can’t hurt my self it’s less possible for me to hurt someone else… physicaly or even mentally.
Well the thing with the psycologist is that he was makig test to me because the therapist order to, he asked why was i telling him that and i told that i wanted help but i just had 2 sesions with him an got back to the therapist who never knew about all that… i found the way to make that all my problems looked to be because of my parents everyday fights.
The thing with my mom is that i inherieted her depression problems, just that in a different way, she got them when my brother born and for what i know, i got those problems just a few months before. My dad is great, he scares LOL, is a good person to talk to but not of my depression because he has taken me to a psycologist and a therapist and he thinks i’m totally fine so i can’t take his happyness away, i’m his favorite daugther since the older is more or less like a total mess with her life.
I asked my bff for help and he said he would try to make me a little more sociable but how a couldn’t do what he asked me and keep saying excuses, he gave up and as he know i’m not able to hurt even a fly, the days i’m depressed and tell him i want to die, he tells me he could took me to a bridge if i want to… i wouldn’t jump anyway, i control so hard myself for hurting me since i realized that i’m suicidal that when i want to cut me, i can’t even move my arms
“@WillTickin you don’t know what i did, i’m pretty sure i sold my ex-boyfriend soul -even it wasn’t actually on my power- for him to love me forever… later i knew i did something terrible and i fu**ed it because i wanted to protect him for what i did and i ended up tied to him, then i cut what tied us and everytime i see him, i feel like i’m falling into the nothing. I messed up his life and mine just because i tought i loved him”
would you mind elaborating on this ?
there’s someone I’ve been wondering if she didn’t perform some sort of love binding spell on me
I usually get over people in a few months to a year but w/ that person it’s like I’ll be bonded with her till the end of this lifetime .. I feel like my life path was significantly modified and that she has something to do with it
How many time have you been feeling that? Do you know if she is on weard things, like watching or reading to much about vampires, witches and stuff? If she is, she might have done it without wanting it… i don’t actually know if you could end the charm -or curse, if it feels bad- because i was responsible of mine and i was the one that broke it