Infinite circle

my life goes in a very predictable circle. I go a little while, recovering slowly bit by bit. Something goes wrong. I stop improving. Something else goes wrong. I start getting worse. Something else goes wrong, I give up on life, go back to cutting and drinking and drugs. Straw breaks my back, I try to kill myself. I find someone that says they really care about me, that asks for me to tell them everything so they can help. Things get better for a little while. Then the person snaps and can’t take caring for me anymore. I try to kill myself again. Repeat cycle. This has happened four times now. I don’t know why. It goes in that order every time, and I end up losing everything. I can’t take another rotation. Every attempt has been closer and closer to success as my drive to die gets stronger and stronger. At first it was small things that probably wouldn’t work. The last one was only negated by the lack of decent gunpowder in the shell I chose. I can be having a perfectly ok day and something stupid will ruin it and I’ll be suicidal again. It’s so draining I can’t even stay awake for a whole day anymore. I don’t want to stay awake anymore. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.