Is there a remedy for waiting

Here we are again back on the bad track of life. I keep telling myself i just a need a second chance, a new start but i don t think it would change anything. The only thing i need to change is me. I am going to stop feeling, stop caring. If you could see me now, whispering those uncertain words and smiling because i don t think i ‘ ll ever be able to shout down my emotions. one of my greatest weakness that is destroying me and watching my mind decaying part by part.

I tried to put myself to sleep again. Forever… I remember this time, most of the evening.  Swallowing salty tears and hoping this time someone will notice and i tried to give them time. the funniest part i thought while the time was running out was that all my friends are emotional ruins, every one of them with their own luggage to carry around. There is A. which i was distracting from crying and making her smile while we were drinking beer on late Wednesday instead of studying for a tomorrow test. Then N. whose hand i didn’ t want to let go before she fell asleep, sitting by her bed and trying to repaint those pessimistic clouds. I can t forget D. which is messed up in his own special way, letting him torture me so he can feel better, letting him insult me so he wouldn’ t feel hopeless.
i feel sorry for N. she had to clean all that blood that i was just starring at because i felt too tired to move. i love the sound of drops of blood falling on the floor, dully and sharply increasing the acoustic in the room. Honestly i wanted to be saved when i realized what i did and i felt pathetic and dumb starring at the yellow flesh sticking out of my wound. it looked pretty bad and i was happy only because i made myself drink so much alcohol that i could’t feel the pain. i can feel it now though.

N. told me i called her crying and shouting : ‘He left, he left’, i told him to leave though but i didn’ t expect he will when he saw in which state i was. N spent the whole day in hospital with me and i am grateful to have her. yesterday A. asked what happened when she saw me. i didn’ t want to tell her because we grew apart in the last few months but i eventually did. She screamed at me repeating how stupid of me ( like i didn’t already know) and than both of them saying that D. doesn’t love me, that he doesn’t care that he would just laugh if he knew what i did. I felt cold inside and i thought really? he would laugh if i died. i told them i know. but i did not know and i was terrified that i reached the point that i love somebody who neither loves or hates me. D. did’t care for anybody but himself. He was using me and i was so kind to let him. and the most disgusting part of myself would still continue to let him take me wherever he wants. how silly of me.

I am waiting for something. I don t know what that really is. i know i should move from those who hurt me, who destroy me. i should just wait because it somehow gives me hope. the waiting keeps me alive but don t know how long will the waiting last. and the only thing that it remains after these days is pure emptiness which i enjoy so much because it seems that i have no feelings while they sleep in silence waiting for their next attack.