If I was given one wish. It wouldn’t be one that could make my life better. I know nothing would make a difference. My one wish is quite simple: that I had never been born. I torment myself with the idea that my being here, as huge of an impact as it has had, was a total fluke. If just one microscopic (literally) thing had gone differently, I wouldn’t have to be here right now.
I hate feeling guilty that on paper I have no right to want to die; I’ve experienced no great trials or tragedy to warrant it. I hate that when I say it out loud it sounds so stupid. I don’t know what to say other than that I don’t want to be me anymore and I have no one to talk to about it. It’s strange sitting next to people listening to them talk about the routines of the day or plans for the future all the while they have no idea I’m preoccupied in pursuit of the quickest way to off myself.
I’ve never appreciate the value of life but sometimes I think everything will be okay and I’ll just learn to stick it out. Most however are filled with the horrible realization that, without intervention, I am most likely going to live a very long time; inspiring fear most associate with the idea of death. Death, I have to say is a frightening thought. I think there are few people, regardless of how badly they wanted to die, who wouldn’t think it so. In that case, I’m trapped. There’s no way I can continue with this miserable excuse for a life but I just don’t know how to bring myself to end it. The thought has reduced me to gasping for air between sobs – I really don’t know what to do.
So this brings me back to my first statement: I wish I had never been born. No decision as to living or dying necessary. I don’t want to be the one facing the double-edged sword. Oh well, it would’ve been nice but, I’m here and there’s nothing I can do to change that fact.
Well that’s all I guess. Maybe one day I’ll do it. Unfortunately it requires some planning which in turn requires me to actually commit to the idea; something I just can’t seem to do at the moment. Just going to try to keep the panic attacks at bay for the time being.
1 comment
Enjoy the time you have as much as you can.
My ideas mirror yours.
Had I not been born I’d not have to had choose to deal with the pain of life and the fear of death or failing another attempt.
Since you are going to be here indefinitely, at least try to get in some fun.
Whatever you enjoy do as much of it as you can without endangering your priorities.