Rant “I’ll give you what you want”

It’s so painful to look in a mirror and see who you are, not who you want to be or can be. It’s especially painful when that mirror is not actually a mirror but your own parents complaining about who you are. No matter how much I distract myself or be in denial, I can always rely on my parents to tell me exactly what I don’t want to hear. They say their sick and tired to putting up with my personality and yet they do nothing about it. I think “well it’s my own responsibility to be pleasant and polite” but then I realize it’s my personality we are talking about not some light switch we can turn off and on. I was born with a rotten personality. By nature I am one sour lemon and by nurture my personality only got worse. I remember being in kindergarten having my teacher telling me to be better. But like I said, I’m not a light switch. I am very anti drug but sometimes I wonder if that’s what my only option is. Don’t people take drugs and alcohol so that life doesn’t suck or so that they become more interesting? Well fuck that. I’m not going to get addicted to drugs just so I can get through life being a zombie with no care in the world. If my parents are so sick and tired of my “attitude” and believe I am such an unpleasant person to be around then I will give them what they want. I can’t wait to die. Sometimes I feel bad for my mom after all she has done for me (money wise, not in a motherly way), but when she (metaphorically) holds a mirror to my soul and says “I don’t like this, why do you have to be like this, I can’t deal with this anymore”, I don’t feel bad. I feel good knowing that soon I will be granting her wish.