My “name” does not matter. It wasnt the name I would have picked anyway. Nothing in this life is chosen, in my opinion. Not the fam damily, not the fairweather friendlies. Beware the knowers, professionals, indoctrinated well meaners. Beware the readers (and writers). I have been around the sun 31 times. I am the hate-child of an alchaholic and a junkie. Dad got drunk in Deming, NM when I was 10 and shot mom in the jugular. First time I ever called 911 it was busy… so I used a phonebook to find a # for the fire dept.. Then I had to figure out how to explain where I lived. That was the night my childhood died, and all possibility of healing revoked. He had shot Her before in Silver City, and done everything but rape me (not so sure bout my little bro)… By the time I was ten years old I had seen more s..it than your average soldier in the entirety of his/her first tour of active duty. I will skip the bull. I was so out of “it”. Dropped out of school. Went to work: after all what does “school” prepare one for? I have been an independant adult since 17!! Just about the only thing I am proud about. I was a long haul trucker for almost 8 years (LONELY). I have come to think of work as it is here in the states as compensated slavery. (By the way, if one wanted to expand the definetion of suffering go to the North american oilfields and work in North Dakota). I have tried, failed, tried…………. Reminds me of John Lennons “Helter Skelter” I have finally worn my body out and I cannot work the jobs I was qualified to do. I am always in a state of high anxiety. I dont even masturbate anymore. I have decide to go with inert gas asphyxiation since that is what I have become- inert. There is only more pain than I have already been through ahead of me. And so I shall end it with a prayer.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray my lord my soul to keep
and when I die before I wake
I pray the lord my soul to take.
dasvadanya
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7 comments
Please don’t do it right now and a stranger trying to help seems pathetic but you’re so strong and it’s never the answer.
I’ll pray for you as well. Lives like yours…nobody should have to live like that!
I 100% understand, and I wish you peace.
Dobri Nochi bro.
I am so very sorry. That is just barbaric and wrong that you were overwhelmed and under supported and still are.
‘By the time I was ten years old I had seen more s..it than your average soldier in the entirety of his/her first tour of active duty’
That is so true and when soldiers go unrecognized and abandoned there is more of an active show of concern and support than there is for adults abused as children. Even soldiers don’t get enough understanding and support because war, child abuse, etc are tough subjects and people prefer puppies (hell I would like a puppy right now myself) and million other things that don’t remind us of death but the truth is we all die and people who have suffered often value life, feel more need for what really matters, than those more able to escape more often/longer from the fact that life is fleeting and precious.
If you can stand to stick around I hope you speak out about your childhood and the impact it has had on you as an adult and use that experience to communicate with the world how vital childhood is and the toll it takes on our fellow man, citizen, neighbor, society in adulthood. I hope to that you can find some comfort, some bread and circus as they say..some distraction and some companionship. It is what I hope for myself too. Help us move humanity in a better direction?
I really hope you can make it through this. Its so hard and i understand. There are people who will be there for you. We will be here to listen.
if you are going to kill youself don’t do that method, if your saved you could be a vegitable for the rest of your life! then if you do survive life would be horrible for you and you would wish that you were never born
I wish I could hold your hand while you went. You shouldn’t have to go through any more alone.