Consuming

My family is susceptible to bouts of severe depression, and it’s finally hit me. Every day I go to sleep hoping I won’t wake up. What’s worst is that I know there are people with lives so much worse than mine, and I feel guilty and shallow when I think about that. My life isn’t even that horrible – I have parents who love me, even if they sometimes don’t show it. My brother cares about me, and I care about him. But I haven’t really felt love. Every day, I wake up dreading what lies ahead, be it school or just facing other people, and go to bed knowing I’ll have to face the same thing in a few hours.

I feel so stupid for writing this. I’m sorry if you read this, but the thoughts in my head are racing and I need a way to get them out but I’m too afraid to ask anyone for help. I’m looking forward to re-entering public school next Fall so I can finally have friends, but at the same time I am so terrified I can’t stand it. I’ve been in a mood where I just want everyone to leave me alone, and I’m afraid it will never go away. I have so much schoolwork to get done, but I just can’t get myself to do it.

Again, I’m sorry if you read this. I’m just so confused. Why do I feel like this? I’m only 14, I have my whole life ahead of me, but I wish I didn’t.