Contemplation is the easy part

Where to begin is hard. Then again nothi ge come easy. I’m getting older and more mature obviously but to me, I think others see me as a child. I dont honestly think I’m suicidal. I couldn’t be. The outside looking in my life is complacently perfect. I would be viewed lucky by most. Friends, a loving girlfriend, well liked, two parents, grandparents, a job and not a lot but a reasonable amount of money. In reality though- my best friend is leaving me for a group off cocky self obsorbed pricks; we were close, always different but he was indeed my best friend. My girlfriend loves me, and although every couple has their ups/downs it seems like this 2 year relationship has been all but what I expect it to be after this long and everything I’ve said and done. My lesbian parents don’t listen and see me as a child. Equal, but a child. And what hopes they have for me are not what they want nor how I should achieve them. My grandparents are one thing in my life that when they pass away in their old age is gonna tear me apart. Though I know I’ve been questionable to them I know they love me to an extreme. Many people know me and have a decent amount of 🙂 for me but they could care less about how my day is going and are with me for their moment in time. I don’t think it fair to complain about money situations. Life hands us the cards we are dealt. Ive come to view myself as an open minded philosopher always viewing thigs in an “emo” dark sided fashion. Oh well. I don’t think I’m suicidal. I dot hate this world nor those who live in it. I’m allowed to think nothing wants to ever go my way. I own multiple sharp objects and yet no matter how terribly crappy on my worst day I’ve felt and wanted to cut myself to ease the pain. I can’t. Am I a *****? Or am I just strong enough to know that it will do nothing for me to better the situation. I need an escape. Perhapse I will further my endevours on this site. Maybey. Or not, honestly the o e thing that would make my life 10000000x better would to have my best friend back. Or at least those others who have acknowledged me as a best friend to actually want to show it like I can and have tried. Goodnight site. I feel better. I know this was long thank you for bearing with me. Rawrrrr and always know. Suicide is never the answer, a d although it may seem like the only excuse, it’s the worste possible escape. And though the pain I/you feel may never go away- remember and enjoy the few 🙂 times you can while you can.