So I had standardized testing on computers today, and my teacher gave an instruction he was unclear about, and I did the wrong thing, and he fucking screamed at me right in front of everyone. I made it to my quiet corner of the band room before I started crying (it was lunch after the tests). So I spent half an hour sitting behind the brass kettle drums, trying not to cry and slicing at my wrist with scissors, because I didn’t want to bleed everywhere.
When people yell at me, especially with an audience, it reminds me of my dad, who has abused my mom and myself since before I was born. And he usually follows it up with a few bruises. So all afternoon I was flashing back to all the things he’s said to me and called me, and it hurt so bad.
Then when I went back to class, that same teacher had the nerve to try to talk to me about how both of us were in the wrong, him for yelling at me, and me for making such a stupid mistake. Of course I was still on the verge of tears anyway, and that got me started crying all over again.
I’m not an emotional person. I hate crying. I hate feeling, much less expressing it. And that stupid fuck made me cry in front of everyone, and shred up my wrist like I hit it with a cheese grater.
I just want him to leave me the fuck alone, but I know he won’t because most of the time he’s a decent human being, so he’ll try to apologise every day until I make him believe (hollow lie that is is) that everything’s fine. And that just makes me want to cry more. If someone hurts me, I don’t want to fucking talk about it, that just makes it worse. And no amount of apology can fix this. He’s lost my trust, and my respect. And those are hard things to get from me.