Hollowed out.

I truly want to just stop breathing. I have tried to justify suicide in general to the people in my life without having to actually say that I am trying to justify my own. I’ll be 30 years old in June. I have a B.S. in accounting and I am tired of failing in all aspects of my life. I hate my mother with such rage and disgust. I wasted 10 years of my adult life helping her, just for her to allow one of her many drugged out boyfriends destroy what my family has built. If she were dead I would be able to save it, but alas “god” would rather the state take our home very shortly. She is a selfish, disgusting, nasty, putrid, useless female who has spent my life trying to be my competition instead of my mother. I was raised by my aunt, her sister, up until I was 12 while she ran through men and only though of herself. My lovely, wonderful and mental off aunt died when i was 12. I found her dead after coming home from school and after talking to her for about 20 minutes. The hate I feel is so intense. It grows and festers within me. My family life is shit. I am self employed trying to build 2 businesses, still living in the room in the place I used to call home that now looks and smells like a middle class crack house because my mother is a valueless speck of shit, my love of 10 years who I did everything for is abandoning me in my worst time, I am a drunk, i barely have or see my friends any more and I feel like a complete failure with both of my businesses. I can’t concentrate. I barely sleep at all. This is the third and will be my final breakdown. I was diagnosed with dysthymia while in therapy for 7 years, but was booted right when my life got worse 2 years ago because my insurance failed on me. I made about $100 more than their max and lost it all. I have gastritis, 4 gall stones, severe acid reflux and can’t cook healthy foods in my house because we haven’t had gas in almost 3 years. That wretched woman is in control of her mother’s money and tenants and still can’t pay the bills because she likes to be flashy and waste money on these good for nothing men and materialistic bullshit. I now have next to nothing of money for necessary food. I got to family and friends, but i know they dont want me around because I’m severely depressed all the time. So i stop asking and just drink my money, when I can, away. To the ones I hang with it is the norm for me to.be intoxicated when they see me. After my aunt and my awesome granddad died I was stuck with a 2 alcoholics, my mother and my granny. Fuck it. I don’t write this for pity or for people to feel sorry for me. I right this to get it off my chest. To know that in my end people knew why i decided not to stick around anymore. No one can say they didn’t know. I rant off and on on my FB. And they assume its in my head and i am talking nonsense. I have lost everything, but at the same time I know Karen these decisions and that i am getting what I deserve. I thought I was a pretty good person/daughter/girlfriend/friend/family member/human being minus the flaws everyone tends to have. But these FUCKING cosmic jokes are killing me and i don’t care to be the nice, loving, loyal and faithful, unquestioning dog anymore. I hate myself, my life, many of my family and most of the FUCKING planet. I am tired of living like a bum *****, a loser dog, a tucked drunk. I just don’t care anymore. So much other things have occurred but why bother telling it, it won’t do shit for me. This world is cruel and I am tired of wasting my time on people, places and things. I am done.