I guess what I’m trying to say is although I’m miserable, depressed, suicidal, I don’t want to feel different. I’ve felt like this for so long that I can’t see a way out, and if it did miraculously appear I doubt I would take it anyway. I feel safe, just me, alone no one can cause me pain I have been through. Only I can upset myself or make myself feel better. I am all I need, and so why not die? Is it selfish of me even if I did want to stay, to be a burden to my friends and family?
The reason making me want to stay is so that I can have children, is that in itself selfish? My children may also suffer the pain I have been through. I always wish I had not been born in the first place, maybe they will feel the same.
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that is a truely beautiful statement
and in its self is not selfish at all
you think of others
and not just yourself
~
maybe life for them would be different in some way
but we just dont no
I also have children and is the ONLY reason I am still here (not to say I haven’t tried suicide, 5 times actually). I actually am not allowed to see my girls yet, because of my suicidal tendencies.
I have my exit strategy, and the closer it gets to enacting that, the more I think how will it affect my children. Not just the day they find out, but a week, a month, year, 20 years later when they are starting a family (they are 10 and 9). They will have no father and will that have affected them? I try really hard to think that they need me, and in ways they will always need their parents. But in other ways (and maybe I rationalize myself away to make it easier), they have done without me for almost 1 year now and to be honest, how useful am I if I feel like I do. Useless I think is the answer.
I hope that you try to hang on, I am also trying. It is really hard and in the end it is not selfish, pain is really hard to deal with, and sometimes that pain will win.
Good luck and keep fighting
why bring children to this fucked up world ? is it that you don’t want to be alone in your suffering ?
I don’t mean to be harsh nor judgemental, I really would like to know why
@truthbetold – I didn’t always feel like this. I actually am a smart, nice guy who once upon a time was happy and content with life with a loving family and partner. A time so long ago now I can almost not remember, the pain has seen to that.
My first born was conceived about 2 months before 9/11 and honestly, I remember that I thought what a mistake to bring a child into the World.
However, beyond the pain that many of us feel, the nagging issues with life and many sorrows we feel, there is something out there that is worth fighting for. Unfortunately, I have been beaten by it.
I wouldn’t want to bring children into this world. I have never in my life wanted children – I can’t see them turning out any differently from me, and I often wish I hadn’t been born. I wouldn’t ever inflict that on another person.
That is the only reason why I wouldn’t have children, I wish I hadn’t been born. I would never have had to go through what I am going through now and I just hope that something happens to make me change my view. Thank you for replying.