I’ve been feeling suicidal for about two years now. Read the text wall if you care enough…
Read the recap if you won’t read this, but I’d appreciate it if you did.
I’m only 13, and I’m currently in the 7th grade. My therapist, who came to school to attend me weekly, told me she believed I had depression in the 6th grade. I had discovered the topic not long before she told me this. I told mom when she came to pick me up, she didn’t buy it. It started getting worse after a while, but I wasn’t being treated. Only after a few months later did mom get a more detailed explanation from another therapist. Unfortunately, mom acted as if it was me being “hormonal”, so she didn’t take it seriously, despite the many times I told her it was an actual disease. I got hospitalized last year during the first semester for a week, and they put me on treatment. However, I was 12 back then, so I got put with the little kids, only one of them were 10. I pretended that the medication was working so I could get out sooner, and only cried the day before I left. I left the place skinnier than usual, or so I was told. After a while, I started getting depressed again, and in fact got even worse. I forgot to mention, I only had two friends, though one of them left to another school, and the one that goes to school with me only talks to me in chat, and doesn’t even look at me in person at all, but is the only one I can call a friend. I have a new one, but she’s leaving the country this year, this being the last week of school. I also developed social phobia along the way, so I don’t have anyone to talk to, being an antisocial. I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately, but unfortunately, it’s against my religious belief, even though I’m sure I have a nice little spot stored for me in hell, anyways. I try praying, but never get any answers, and my doubt isn’t good, I know, and besides that, my first (and currently) only crush is a girl, which made me realize I was bisexual, apparently. Also, my mind is perverted, and I always say something out there. I’m not very funny either, but silly and probably a bit mentally unstable are better theories. I already have a friend who’s influenced badly by my perverted mind, he tells me I ruined his life because of it, and it’s my personality that always messes up my personal relationships. I won’t go on about my appearance, already wrote more than I should have, all you need to know is that even if I’m not overweight, I get made fun of it a lot, especially my hair. and sorry I didn’t separate the paragraphs, I just don’t feel like it at the moment. And refer to me as Vain…
So to recap, I’m a 13 year old antisocial freak, I hate my laughable appearance, I have a severe depression, my voice is weird, I hate my sexual orientation (look near the end of the paragraph and don’t be lazy), I have no friends, I’m distant from my family (because they treat me like a child and don’t take me seriously), I won’t suicide only because of my religious beliefs, I’m also addicted to the internet ’cause my real life sucks, I suffer daily and sob when I’m somewhere private, and overall, I need help…
5 comments
I hear ya. I’m 44 and was very antisocial growing up, lots a problems, was the loner with bad head problems. You can make it through, life is weird and so are we. You are definitely very smart and an excellent writer for expression, and I tell you that I never get any answers from the wind, only myself.
Hi
I’m so sorry things are like this for you.
I’m in my late teens, but I remember being suicidal at your age. I know it’s awful when people won’t accept what your depression is, but behave as though it’s just your age. My mum was the same, though she has depression too. I think when it comes from people close to you, it can just be that they don’t want you to have a lifelong illness, and keep hoping that it’ll be your age until you grow older. Hopefully she’ll accept it sooner. I know years is a horribly long time, but it can be true that it’ll get better. I had a lot of problems when I was your age, but the next couple of years were much better.
Is there any way for you to try medication without being hospitalized? Or some other form of treatment? You might be able to ask at school, or have a talk with a doctor. If you can manage, you might end up finding something that works well for you.
You sound a very intelligent and interesting person. I hope you have the chance to get older and feel better, and I hope you find something in your life that will help you. I’m always here to talk to if you want (with lots of others).
If you end up being bisexual, I can say from my own experience that I don’t think there’s any way to change being gay or bisexual, but it gets easier to accept in yourself over time. Other things, like your appearance, might be a big issue in your mind for a long time, or they might not, but again, I promise it’ll get easier. When bigger things change, like finding a friend or feeling less depressed, other things seem less of a problem than they did before. Depression itself can be easier to deal with when you’ve come in and out of it before, and sometimes if you have medication to go back onto if you need. It might also help to talk to someone. Whatever happens, it is possible to get back out of it. Try to remember than you’re a great person, however many things about yourself you dislike at the moment, and you’re worth sticking around. 🙂
You will not to to hell.
No matter what.
I promise.
Yes you may end up in heaven, but that only makes sense as you sound so smart and sensitive and quite honestly God has to get Angels from somewhere.
Being a perv is perfectly normal for a young person.
Don’t beat yourself up about it.
Don’t give up.
Don’t give in.
Let it out.
Let it in.
I have written many posts here describing the depression I witness here and what you can do about it.
I even wrote a post about different sexualities and how that’s ok too.
Om shanti
I understand how you feel, I’m 14 and in the 8th grade and I have depression and I tried to commit suicide a couple of times in the past month, I’m trying to get better though. I think that you should just try to hang in there and hopefully things will get better. If you ever want to talk you can email me at kate.wilson1@ymail.com
Its ok to be who you are. Im 14 and basically everything i say can be taken pervetedly (even if i dont mean i to) Dont give up on trying to tell your mom. Im trying to figure out a way to tell mine. There is no law saying you HAVE to be social. If you want to talk, then talk to someone, if not dont. People might not understand that quiet can be good but if its what you want to do then so be it. Nobody has a perfect voice sooo. You cant help if your bi. I hope this helped. Feirce Love<3