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I’m done with life

by just.me.19

I’ve been laying on the floor for the past 30 min, crying. I’m losing my mind a bit more each day. My fire is gone, my fight is gone. I feel like garbage. Nothing can make it better. Fuck, I can barely hold myself together to write this. I’m dead inside, dead for too long, soon to be dead for good. I can’t do this anymore. They all want me dead. Don’t even know what to say anymore… Everything is pointless… everything is pointless…

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31 comments

just.me.19 5/30/2012 - 2:50 pm

Please help!!!!!!!

zacurious 5/30/2012 - 2:56 pm

I was just there the other day. I sat for over 2 hours crying and doing horrible stuff to myself. I know exactly how you feel, like there is nothing left to get off the floor for. Well look, I’m still here after the other day. One person is all it took…I thought of that one person that is here and listening and helping me. I couldn’t do that to him. Not right now. I don’t know how to get you back up on your feet, but maybe talking will help….? Vent out your fustrations and your thoughts….we are here to listen and help.

Everlasting 5/30/2012 - 3:07 pm

I am also still here and have done similar to you, so many times over. I cry constantly and just last night relapsed bad and passed out in town, made it home and cut bad, but then a friend rushed to me and saved me.

The difference last night, I have reached out to someone. I know how hard that is, I have been socially isolated for 1 year and multiple suicide attempts (check my posts). It is so hard, and I am not saying it will get better, but hang in there.

As Zacurious said, we are here to help.

just.me.19 5/30/2012 - 3:08 pm

Don’t know what to do anymore. Just want to disapear. I can’t fell anything, it’s a huge, dark void inside of me. I’ve been fighting for too long with my family, with everyone.
I’ve told people what I feel before and everyone, every single one of them backstabed me. It’s so hard to talk about it anymore.

just.me.19 5/30/2012 - 3:18 pm

@zacurious Venting doesn’t help, crying doesn’t help, talking doesn’t help. I’m choking, I feel like I can’t trust anyone, I know my end is near.

zacurious 5/30/2012 - 3:18 pm

I said that exact same thing..exact. I felt that the feeling was so overwhelming that I thought if I sat there long enough, the feeling itself could kill me. I know what it’s like to put your trust in people only to have them backstab you. What your feeling, most of us feel or have felt before. I know it’s hard to talk about, but sometimes it’s good to get at least a little bit out. I don’t know how to fill the dark void we have inside. I just assumed it would be a part of me until I die. Please just talk if it helps even a tiny tiny bit.

zacurious 5/30/2012 - 3:22 pm

I know, I know. Please don’t choose that. Sitting there crying right now is better than dying, although I know the thought of dying and not feeling this is a bit comforting. Just try to hold on and get a level head first.

just.me.19 5/30/2012 - 3:26 pm

Thing is, the thought of dying is just as bad. The thought of not ever knowing what love is, that all this crap has been for nothing is just as bad.

Everlasting 5/30/2012 - 3:33 pm

Definitely need to hang in there. Crying never helps me, but I cry sometimes until my body aches and I literally have nothing left. I have been like that for 1 year now.

Venting also doesn’t help (have 7 stays in hospital the last 9 months) cutting doesn’t really help though I do it, no meds work and shrinks are useless, nothing helps.

This is not meant to be a list of what doesn’t work, but the only thing that does work is to just hang in there, just hang in there, if not for a little longer.

markus1204 5/30/2012 - 3:38 pm

Just.me, if feel exacly the same as you, right now im crying as i read your posts, only im much older than you and not to bring you down further but the dark emptyness never goes away, you either learn to live with it or try to cope thru drugs and alcohol as i have done for 30+ years….However, the next day comes and again im hollow inside and wishing i could permanently fix it…The thing i would say to you is being only 19 i assume try to find help some how, some way….There is alot of time for you to find love if you just let yourself be loved and try not to do what I have done my whole life and push people away because i never felt worth loving….I wish i was never born and soon my misery shall end, I hope this post finds you feeling a bit better, just try not to let the empty feeling consume you as i have done.

just.me.19 5/30/2012 - 3:42 pm

I’m trapped, I’m fucking trapped in this hellhole. Talking… I’m too fucking scared to even think about all the shit I’ve been through. I crawled for 17 years, wanting to die every single day, believing that all I deserve is being beaten, treated like I’m a piece of shit. Then… I woke up and saw that it can be better, that this is not how it’s supposed to be. I fought to build myself up, I fell, I crawlled then I fought harder. And again, and again, and again… But now I can’t, I can’t fight anymore.
The void is because of the fucking mask I learned to wear. It killed me inside, It made me not feel anything anymore, no more pain, no more love, no more happiness, nothing.

just.me.19 5/30/2012 - 3:50 pm

@ everlasting I’ve cut only once, when I tryed to kill myself 2 months ago and I slashed a big artery on my hand. Too stupid to believe that it would kill me. Only got me 2 weeks in the madhouse and more shit from nurses and doctors.

themaskoftom 5/30/2012 - 3:54 pm

THE MASK. Note my name. The Mask is what we all have to wear to fit into this sick society, but it crushes the soul and denies the person. We are all being suffocated by our masks. A recent favorite song of mine, courtesy of Steven Wilson:

I think it’s time that I got off the kitchen floor
But is there really any point at all?
Waking up this morning felt the same
I better sleep while life is so mundane

It could have been yesterday that I locked the door
I blocked the windows up so I can’t be sure
Now I haven’t even got the will to eat
I’m lame and self-obsessed
That I will concede

I’d like to light a cigarette but I cannot
The light is dead and the gas has been cut off

I’m the one you always seem to read about
The fire inside my eyes has long gone out
There’s nothing left for me to say or do
‘Cause all that matters disappeared when I lost you

the YOU does not have to be a lover. It can be yourself. I lost myself, pretending to be someone who could keep a job and friends.

just.me.19 5/30/2012 - 4:03 pm

@tom This deadness is not worth it. “Living” like this is not worth it. I’m sick of surviving.
I don’t want to survive, I want to live.
Some time ago I had it all figured out but now… I lost my hope. And I’m losing my grip on everything. Everything is fucking up all around me and I can’t do anything.

just.me.19 5/30/2012 - 4:09 pm

And Tom, for me this society can go fuck itself. I don’t care what people say anymore. Nobody cares about me, nobody cares if I laugh or cry, nobody cares if I live or if I die. I don’t have anything to prove to anyone.

Wolfenstein666 5/30/2012 - 4:10 pm

Agreed fuck society

themaskoftom 5/30/2012 - 4:18 pm

Just.me.19 – I cannot disagree with you. It is true, nobody cares. the universe is cold and unfeeling, always has been. All the Disney nature shows in the world won’t change the fact that the world rewards selfishness and cruelty and punishes thoughtfulness. Our human curse is understanding this is so. If wild animals knew as much as we do about the true nature of existence, they’d all do themselves in. Maybe the bees figured it out and all committed suicide, too. can’t blame ’em.

just.me.19 5/30/2012 - 4:29 pm

Hmmm… the nature of existence… Nothing makes sense anymore. I used to believe in a God. But I’m sick of religion. It’s all like “Believe blindly in God or you’ll go to hell; and hate everyone else that is not your religion”.It teaches only fear and hate. See the crusades, see Jihad.
I believed in people, I believed in love. Now I don’t know anymore…

Wolfenstein666 5/30/2012 - 4:33 pm

I have no faith in God or Humanity do I have anything left?

just.me.19 5/30/2012 - 4:41 pm

Don’t know Wolfy, I really don’t know…
But do you still got yourself ?

poppyx 5/30/2012 - 4:43 pm

theres no need to believe in god what did “he” ever do for any of us and if there really was a god he would he not come down 2 throw me and the rest of the non-believers in2 hell already so we don’t need blind faith in god because we don’t need god we need other people around us 2 support us

Wolfenstein666 5/30/2012 - 4:43 pm

Yeah

just.me.19 5/30/2012 - 4:47 pm

Good for you Wolfy. Myself is what I miss the most.

Wolfenstein666 5/30/2012 - 4:52 pm

Hmm what do you mean?

just.me.19 5/30/2012 - 4:54 pm

@poppyx You’re right that we don’t need god, we need people, but it’s kinda hard to find people that don’t want to use you and truly want to help! 19 years and haven’t met one!

poppyx 5/30/2012 - 5:02 pm

i know being alone is one of the biggest fears a person has 🙁 maybe we should just keep putting our trust in people no mater how many times we get betrayed until we find someone decent although you could be searching a while

just.me.19 5/30/2012 - 5:05 pm

Trying to adapt to… life, to be able to handle anything, I killed the real me, the one that wouldn’t compromise, the one that would rather die than give up his dreams, the one that could love. And I learned to put on a mask, a pretty indestructible one. I couldn’t feel anything, nothing. That was the price for fake “strength”. And I hate myself for doing it. Numbness I knew, but this… this was deadness… pure deadness. And pure misery. I’m fighting it but… for what ? For what ? Is there any hope ?

poppyx 5/30/2012 - 5:16 pm

i did the same thing i think of it like i walked in2 a bubble and inside everythings dead and numb like a broken circuit like a cut wire its like your alienated isolated nd cut off from the world the bubble is so strong its hard to rip a hole 2 get out and ih8 it 2 i want 2 rip a hole and step out in2 a happier place but i don’t know if thats possible anymore

just.me.19 5/30/2012 - 5:30 pm

@poppyx For me it was… a choice to… survive, I guess. I became outgoing, learned to talk to people, learned to handle my fears, learned to compromise. I compromised, and doing so I compromised myself. Now everything has crashed, can’t do that anymore, won’t do that anymore.
PS It’s past midnight here so if I don’t reply anymore it’s most likely a blackout.
Can’t stand these anymore.

slayyyter 11/19/2019 - 1:03 am

OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT ALREADY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Potato 11/19/2019 - 2:28 am

Me too but that’d make a mess I’d probably get an earful for making, after.

Also, did we just time travel? Trippy

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