Pissed that i,m still here

So where to I start. As a child my parents did drugs some times they gave to people for drugs. Iwould have to be there slave for 2 to 3 days to pay for there drugs. At the age of 12 we lost our house so we had to live up in the mountians. It was winter I had to take baths in a really cold crek. I finnaly got smart and started to take showers at school. I have had to go to churchs and beg for food. When I was 12,13, and 14 i had to go stand out on the corner and beg for money. When I was 14 it was the first time i tried to kill my self. I used some sheets and tied them around my neck. then i tied the sheets to the stair railing in my up stairsroom. I sat down and lowerd my self out I was out of the window for like ten mins. Then i steped back on the house and pulled my self up. I told my best friend and i made him promis he would not say anything. Well at the age of 15 i had my own room I was sleeping and some guy got all high and tried to lay with me. That was it i got up at 3 am and told my parents to fuck off and I left. I went to my best friends house. I stayed with him tell i was 17. Then I met this girl everything in my life was going great. I was a varsity wrestler and i had a 3.5 gpa. We got together and it was all great. I soon ended up with a real bad alchol peopblem. We have had ups and downs. Well I like to think it was my fault I made her fall in love with someone else. Well after our second child was born things changed. We four weeks ago I broke it off I did not want to but she was so mean to me. Well two weeks later I left and went acoss the country. We got back together and she told me that she loved him for five years. Then when she did not answer the phone i got parranoid. Well i pissed her off, and she said she still loves him,latter i found out she was mad at me. Well that night I took 15 mucel relakers and 8 to 10 advill with alot of liquor. then I left the house. well i got picked up by some cops.then went to a mental hospital.well I just found out that i went to a real hospital and got my stomach pumped. My sister was not to tell me that , i guss they did not want me know that i would of died if the cops did not find me. At the hospital they asked me dump qustions like y do i want to die. All I wanted to say is really. Its not like people that try comiting sucide do it for fun. It hurts bad we dont want to hurt anyone but we know it will. But my life sucks and has always except for my kids. But I have no job,no home,no car,I”m not a role model. I think about suicide every day. Most days I wake up and im just pissed because I woke up. My fieance is really a great and loving person. I think that Im just too fucked up of a person. I love her so much. But I dont know what to do. Are u supposed to feel like this every day or even once a month. I just dont want to hurt anymore. And I dont want my kids to pay for my mistakes. I have allways said that ur parents make u who u will be. Now I do love my mom but dont know y. I just now found out that she used my suicide attempt to profit. Meaning she called my uncle and told him she needed money cause she needed a phone card for her phone to call me to see if I ‘m ok cause i took a bunch of pills. here is whats fucked up she dont use a phone card for her phone. She is on the same phone plan as me , she was just trying to get money to get drugs. my mom has hep C she has brain tumors from drugs and she is dieing. I tell my self that I should be sad but i don’t know if I can. I just dont want to hurt anymore. And I don’t know If i will try commiting suicide again, that remains to be seen. I feel like that I have no more to go on. I have had to fight my whole life and frankly I’m just to tired. I love my fieance and my boys. So I would like to say that I wont but I don’t Know. And as for someone who tries to be sure U really want to, cause if u try and u have to go to a mental hospital it is really scary place. U don’t know what’s going on a bunch of people ask u qustions and ur not crazy u are hurt. They dont know ur story they dont care they they some fucking pill will work. I hope that this helps someone. And to who ever reads this if u want to talk I will be more than happy to talk to whom ever.