Pointless circles

Love this ugly little world we’ve created.  The only purpose is to screw, eat, sleep, get drunk, get high, and go to work.  I was lied to.  I grew up looking at both grandparents, paternal and fraternal–genuinely in love with each other and marriages that lasted over 60 years each.  I thought I could have that. Can’t anymore.  You’ve completely sicked up sex so much, it’s nothing but pointless empty monkey humping.  No love, no respect, no dignity.  It’s a sick public farce.  And it’s all about party party party.  Empty.  Pointless.  I’m supposed to fill up 60 to 80 of that mindless garbage?

Can’t find anyone to talk to.  Nobody gives a damn.  Emotionally detached, sexually deranged, nobody cares about anything but themselves and money and the next lay.  That’s a monkey.  The only thing a monkey needs to make it happy is a banana and another monkey.  There’s no inside to your outside.  How can you just walk around completely empty like that and that doesn’t make you want to run screaming into the night??  Do you have any idea how long you’re going to be here??  An ape wouldn’t get bored with that garbage–most species only live about 20 or 30 years.  You’re going to live almost triple that.  How the hell do you fill up that many years with absolutely nothing???

So my life is just a circle.  I’m alive so I’m making bills–the meter’s constantly ticking away: food, rent, electric, oil, gas, water.  And the sole purpose of my life is to go to work to pay the bills that I’m making.  I work so I can pay my rent so that I have a place to live so that I can go to work so I can pay my rent so that I have a place to live so that I can work…ad infinitum.

I serve NO purpose. No one depends on me for anything.  Back in the day, they realized that left you feeling empty.  Now you’re just supposed to run around self-indulgent, self-centered, and self-absorbed.  Tell someone that actually knows you that you are crying and bawling everyday, and need someone to talk to, and watch them run.  And you get worse and worse and worse, and they sit there and watch you do it.  And don’t give a damn.

If you need someone to talk to, you are shoved at a therapist who is a total stranger with only a clinical interest in your life and problems.  Yes, please send your dirty laundry out for a fluff and fold.  I needed someone to talk to, and got a few bumper stickers and a shove.  Maybe you didn’t hear me.  I said I NEEDED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.  Tried the therapist thing.  Got pills that didn’t work and got asked a bunch of questions I already said had not thing one to do with what’s bothering me.  Two different therapists.  And I just get worse and worse and worse.

If you have someone in your life that ended their life, and you weren’t there when they needed to talk, like that was any kind of unreasonable request, don’t blame them.

Three years of this crap.  I need a sense of purpose, I need someone to talk to, and I need to matter to somebody.

Strike one, strike two, strike three.  No more of this garbage.  You know what just goes around and around in circles like that?  A dog chasing its own tail.  We waste each other.  We shove each other away.  We use each other for toilets and then get on facebook.  Are you kidding me???  That’s a life??  I’m going to get what I can out of this summer as far as fishing on the river and then I’m done.  You strip all meaning from life and then wonder there are so many of us running for the door.  If someone wants out, get the hell out of their way.