Today was very rough. Perhaps one of the worst days I’ve ever had. Suddenly I just knew I am going to kill myself. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next week, but it WILL happen. It’s like it’s set in stone. I found myself planning dates, letters, locations, everything…I cried and cried. I kept trying to tell myself “No, I don’t want this!” But the voice in my head, some kind of demon that possessed me just laughed. I could literally feel me, pathetic little me, begging for this entity to leave me, to let me rest and be happy. But it just laughed and laughed.
I finally feel a sense of calm after this all-day struggle. I feel I have a chance. But still, when I ask myself the question “Do I want to die?” I get both answers immediately. Yes AND no.
I’m so exhausted.
1 comment
Hi Helium, welcome to the forum! I have been visiting this website periodically for the past year and I can tell you there are some very good people here who can give you good advice. I’m sorry you have had a bad day. You said that you feel or hear something pushing you to kill yourself. Have you talked about this with a doctor? I had a roommate who was bipolar and I have known people who have had physiological problems. I would recommend, if you haven’t already, taking with a doctor. Their job is to help you and the majority of them really want to understand and progressively help you get better. I would encourage you to stay around!