tired

I google the web trying to find something good that I can latch on to - something that tells me how I can escape the thoughts I have that life has no purpose.  I find this site – register – the email comes thru…. thoughts become reality as I look at my in-box and the password is there…. confirmation: I’m messed up.

I am so tired – tired of life.  I wish it over and the pain gone.  eat, sleep, work, emptyness – the cycle of pain repeats.  I want to hide – I avoid work, I avoid people and I regress further.  How come I only have unfulfilled dreams and I’m stuck in a vicious cycle of nowhere.  

steel coughing lead would that make everything better?  would I burn in hell or just rot in the ground?

I grab a cigarette and think of how much I hate smoking.  I make a promise to quit but what does it matter?  Cigarettes are suicide – breathe deep.  I am in pain.  I have no one to talk to.  I have made the choices that have gotten me here.  Here isn’t so great – trying to hold on.  maybe tomorrow will be better….. maybe not.