I have no real complaints, I have a job, no mortgage, no dog, no loans no-one depending on me. I have low self esteem and little or no self worth, I am a perfectly functioning person so long as I don’t have to talk to anyone. On those glorious days when I can go about my business with not an utterance falling out my mouth, not a single bit of eye-contact. I thrive. I live in a city though. Where it is extremely difficult to avoid everyone.
When interaction, is unavoidable, I regress into my shell arms legs and head in short, turtle like. I become a neurotic mess, I dont know where to look what to say how to say it. With the neurosis comes anxiety, the fear of these situations (being/dealing with anyone), which leads to reactive depression, a massive critical analysis of what I’ve said, making eye-contact, not too much or little, etc etc … In the past few years this analysis it working in real time, The sheer panic that comes over me is immense. My discomfort makes others very uncomfortable. Now I think they think …. Its come to speculating about how I’m seen. What I see is a cretin, an unlikeable social leper. I see myself as much worse and I fear they do too.
I have very few people I consider friends. And have little or no social skills. I hate that I need people in my life.
I consider suicide every other day, I don’t see it as an act of cowardice. Quite the opposite. I don’t know what the hold up is, I’ve felt this way for years at this now. Maybe It’ll pass, Its probably wont.
(self diagnosis time – Social anxiety disorder ??? Very possibly. delusional paranoid)
2 comments
I feel some of the induced paranoia you feel sometimes. It mostly comes when I am alone though, for prolonged periods of time. I try to cope with alcohol to make myself feel better and expand my mind in the short run, but you know as well as I do that substance abuse pretty much equals more long-term suffering. I have been in legal trouble all my life-no prison-and at this point I sometimes view society as headhunters. I haven’t been able to get even a measly warehouse job which I have years of previous experience with due to this issue. I know there are underlying issues also-and I pretty much have had so much time on my hands to think about this situation that I can now see the root of my problems-it’s pretty much a endless circle of b.s. Anyway, my advice to you would be to look at every aspect of life day-to-day, and invoke all your free thought into reality, perception, and past experiences and try to come to some reasoning as to why you might consider yourself having social anxiety or possibly having a personality disorder. I haven’t figured everything out but in the most likely scenarios as of how I’ve read your post you most likely are smarter than the average earthly being and just possibly have one or two underlying issues to deal with. Good luck.
Thanks for the feedback, Social anxiety maybe, I react badly in what i can only describe as structured unstructured social situations. It seems like a odd claustrophobia where I cant deal with rooms with people inside. I cant be on a bus, or in a check-out line, I didn’t finish my college because I couldn’t get over seeing people in my peripheral vision. I kinda seize up, then theres panic, fight or flight, “are they looking at me, do they see how freaked out I am, they must think Im some sort of mental case, dirtbag, why is he acting like that, what did he do to have him acting such”. It runs in circles, I react to the perceived shame, which I am ashamed of, then I react to that. I have thought myself into this mess. Funny delusional paranoia seems to me another name for social anxiety. (Where do I get off thinking that Im the main course of everyones day. I often forget that I am 1 of 7,000,000,000 people on the planet.)
My underlying issue is that I am afraid of who I am as a human being, seeing what men are capable of.
I don’t know myself !! I don’t have a good support network (or friends for that fact) to gauge myself, or reassure myself of who I am, in those moments I fall apart.