WTF *****!!!!!!!

Ok time for me to rant like a ***** again to people who’s lives are 20x worse then mine. But i have no one else to turn to because everyone in my life is against me.

So the reason im at the breaking point (as some of you might have read already) is because i confessed to a girl i work with how i felt about her 2 months ago. She told me that she just wants to be friends, but i always had the sneaking suspicion that she was full of shit, and just didnt want to tell me the truth because we work together. But what ever i tell her everything is ok, when in reality she was my second heart break that week.

Now fast forward 2 months later, we only spoke about this conversation one other time, because im not going to lie but the fact that she rejected me bothered me alot, and i would act awkwardly around her for about 2 weeks. She told me that it bothers her when i do that, so i told her that the reason i was doing that was because i felt like she was hiding something from me. She told me that she swore that she wasnt hiding anything, and just wants to be friends, i didnt believe her, but i put my fake smile back on to make her happy again.

But one day i was called into work on my day off, a day she was suppose to be there, but the girl that covered for her told me that she called in sick, and that she was really sick. So i texted her “i hope you get better soon”. In which she replied “thank you, i had some thing i needed to tell you, but i leave it for another day”. So i told her “just tell me, its not like i was doing anything”. Im never doing anything. So she told me that she did in fact have feelings for me, one point in time. I knew she was hiding something!! So i asked why didnt you tell me before, and she said “she didnt want to admit to her feelings because of work, and she didnt want to complicate things. But she was willing to see if those feelings would come back, and stop denying them as long as i dont act differently at work.”

I was speechless, and confused, i was never this lucky in my life, after being friendzoned for almost 2 months, she is willing to see if we would work?? I was so damn lost, to me this was way to good to be true, it felt like i was dreaming this, so what did i do? I chicken out…. I told her that if it were up to me we would be going out right now, but i think the smartest thing we should right now do is take things slow. I over analyzed the situation, and took the cowards way out. I should have asked her out there and then, and taken her somewhere the next day to show her how great our relationship could be, even if we do work together. But im to nice for my own good, and i was thinking about how she is sick right now, and wouldnt be able to go out the next day anyways, so the best thing was to take her out on her next day off, and stay in the talking stage for a bit longer, would give me plenty of flirt time. Im so stupid. So she just sent me a smiley face, and basically said, “well i already thought about this alot, and im ready for it right now, but if you wanna take it slow, then i guess we can do that.” Thats where i thought, oh shit i fucked up didnt i??

So the next day i asked her if she is feeling better, and she tells me that she has been going in and out of sleep all day. I thought, maybe i should take her somewhere, but oh shit i have to finish my tattoo i have been working on for almost 3 fucking months today. So i told her, “ok have a lazy day today, focus on getting better, or im going to worry about you, im not going to bother you anymore for a while because i need finish my tattoo, but let me know if you need anything.” And she said, “yeah i refuse to do anything, and yeah thanks.” I thought everything was all good, but i was wrong.

A few hours later i text her to see if she is ok, she tells me yeah she has never felt better. So i bring up the conversation from the night before, because i have been thinking about this all day and i was ready to make the right choice instead of the smart one. Unfortunately for me she did to. I ask her what randomly made her decide to tell me how she felt yesterday, to you know break the ice. And she told me idk it just happened, but she was starting to have doubts now. And i asked why, which she replied, because of work, we would never be able to chill with each other because we both work so much, and she doesnt even have a life anymore. So i kept reassuring her, “dont worry we have the same days off, and we can make this work with a little effort.” So i asked, “do you still have doubts?” She said she has serious doubts, and knows it wont work out, and told me not to hate her, but she didnt want to do this anymore. Once again i was speechless, i didnt know what to say, what could have made her change her mind after only not even 24 hours, after she told me she was so sure the night before.

So i asked her that, and she told me that since she spent the day alone she reflected and really thought about everything and just realized things wouldnt work. So i told her,” that doesnt make sense, the way she was putting it, it sounded more like it was something i did and she was using work as an excuse.” Was it something i said to her that made her feel this way? I did tell her that alot of the times when i look at her my mind goes blank, and i get butterflies, and her smell and laugh makes me smile. Did those things make me look like a creep or something? So i asked her, is it really because of work, or was it something else, was it really me? And she replied, she just thinks we arent compatible for each other. But how did she come to this conclusion, if the night before she told me she had feelings for me. So i asked why is compatibility an issue for her, it wasnt a problem yesterday. All she said was that i wasnt her type when it comes to relationships. I was so fucking confused, i said, “yesterday you had feelings for me, and now im not your type?” She said, “i never said i had feelings for you, i told you i wanted to get to know you, but that was a long time ago, and i just meant as friends”, and she said she didnt want to start something and have me hate her for “leading me on”. My heart broke right there. She is now even denying ever telling me that she felt something for me.

So i snapped, i told her “dont you fucking think its to late for that? You already led me on last night, and now you just want to take it all back?” And kept asking, “so if im not your type, then what is?” In my mind my i bet she would rather have some dick always treating her like shit, because ever since i met her i always helped her and protected her, and was there when she needed me, but im still not good enough? And i kept asking, “how could she just pretend like she never felt anything for me”. And she kept telling me to stop because the more we spoke of this the more she felt like a horrible *****, and all she wanted to do is forget this even happened. But i didnt care, i wanted her to feel the same way i felt, and how could i forget about this? Its to late for that, but she still didnt answer any of my questions. So i scrolled through all my texts and found the one where she told me she had feelings, and took a screen shot of it and sent it to her. This is what made her break. She said she doesnt give a shit about what she said, she doesnt even know why she said it, she doesnt give a shit if work is awkward because its always like that anyways, and told me thanks for making her feel like a *****. Suddenly i saw what i did, if i didnt lose her before i know i did now.

I told her i was sorry, and that i didnt hate her, but i cant forget this like she can. The next day i felt like total shit, i didnt say one word to anyone, all i could think of was how could i fix this. I texted her saying that i was sorry that i exploded on her, but i was confused, and i was actually going to ask her out that night. I thought if i told her that she would think differently. But no response. She really does hate me now. That whole day i laid in my room, thinking of ways to kill myself. My whole past came back to my mind, and i kept thinking no one will ever love me, im just to much of a loser to be loved. Which is why i came here, to tell my life story before i killed myself. The next day at work i was a zombie, i didnt speak to anyone, but when i went home after reading everyone else’s story, i realized it was my fault this all happened, i should have asked her out the first day, i should have took her somewhere the next day, i should have been more assertive. So i decided to change myself, i had my friend shave my head, i have a mohawk now, i talk more positively and assertively at work, im more impulsive.

But the next day i got so sick i couldnt work, so i called out sick. Maybe she will text me to say “i hope you feel better” like i did to her….she didnt, she really does hate me, i want to kill myself. Then the day came where i had to work with her, and i froze, what am i going to say to her? So i ducted out of work early so didnt have to deal with it, i was still sick, so i used that as an excuse. But i felt like a fucking coward, i did what i was going to use a last resort, because im tired of resorting to this to resolve everything, i texted her. I told her i know she hates me, and i dont blame her, i wasnt thinking about how she felt, was only thinking about myself, and i want to talk to her face to face about this, but i was to much of a coward to do it, and i know telling her that only makes me sound like more of a loser, but thats the truth, and i do wish we could have had something, but i blame myself now, and all i want is to go to work and have no bad blood there. No response. I thought maybe work was busy, she’ll reply when she gets out. No response.

I dread the next day(today), but i was still in a good mood, i joke with everyone at work, more then usual in fact, but then she walks in, and i feel like disappearing, worse then that, i asked my boss if the night before was busy, and he tells me it was dead, she just didnt want to talk to me. If that wasnt bad enough, the person at work who we both go to when we have problems told me she didnt mention any of this to her, so i wasnt even a good enough problem for her to complain about. There was so much tension in the air, we work at a pizza hut and she is the cashier, im a driver, she needs to take the money from me when ever i finish a delivery. Not only would she not do it for me and do it for every other driver(she would send my boss to take the money from me) but she wouldnt even look me in the eye all day, and walk to the other side of the store when ever i would get near her.

I felt like total shit, she made me feel like i had a disease or something. But does she feel the same way? Does she feel just as disturbed that we arent talking because there is so much tension as i do? Hell no!!!! She was still making jokes and laughing with the girl i was talking about earlier, even more so then usaul. I went to the corner and just waited for my deliveries, i was a zombie again. At the end of my shift, before i left i walked up to her, she wouldnt even look at me, i asked her “is this how shit going to be like from now on”. She exploded on me, she told me she doesnt want to talk about this because she had nothing to say. And i told her “ok but cant shit go back like they use to be?” and she said idk and idc. And i ask “idk why we cant just talk about this, we dont have to get together, i just want to talk”. And she said “I dont need this in my life, i just want to forget that shit even happened, and idk about you but i dont need to talk about it to forget about it, just fucking leave it alone!!!”. And then a customer walked in and with a smile she said “Hi how can i help you”. Just like that she forgot about it again, all i saw was red, i was so angry that i just stormed out of the store.I know i should have waited and talked to her some more so i wouldnt look like a fucking coward, but i am one, so i stormed to my car and drove home as fast as i could.

How could she just discard everything she said?? How could she discard my feelings after i apologized for disregarding hers twice???? WHY FUCK IS IT SO FUCKING HARD TO TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!!!!! I just want to know why she told me those things? Did she really have feelings for me? Or did she just wake up and decide she wanted a bf one day, and i already liked her, which made it convenient for her?? What was going on in her mind? THATS ALL I WANTED TO KNOW YOU GOD DAMN *****!!!!!!! WHY CANT YOU TALK TO ME??? WHY DO TREAT ME LIKE IM A SACK OF SHIT!!!! WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME!!!! I was ready to do it again, i was going to go to my medicine cabinet and take everything that was inside of there, then this way not only would she forget about what happened, but she wouldnt have to fucking think about me ever again, because i wouldnt be around to bother that ***** ever again!! The only reason i didnt do it was because its my ex’s bday today(i say today because its past midnight, her bday is may 14th, this all happened on the 13th), and i promised myself i would say happy birthday to her. She is the only one that understands me, so i had to do it, maybe it would relieve the pain?? But i was wrong, im still as angry, i still hate myself, i still want to be gone forever, im going to have to take sleeping meds anyways because im to angry to sleep, so maybe i’ll take some more then i should have, then maybe that ***** will be happy.

Im sorry for the rant, but i cant explain what happened today without explaining the whole story, im pretty sure no one will read the whole thing, but all i can say is this, if i dont reply to any comments tomorrow, then the ***** won.