My uncle died last night. It might have been drugs or maybe the police using a stunner had something to do with it. It is a rough blow, but I’ve always been able to deal with the big things in life. I suspect many around here feel the same.
It has always been the petty indignities that hurt the most. I really am more hurt about a friend blowing me off and not coming to visit like he said he would. I think about my uncle, about how his story didn’t have a happy ending. He was a lonely person at the end of his life and I don’t want to end up like that. Still, he had more people that cared about him than I do it seems.
My little brother actually thought my Mom was getting a call about me when she was informed. I suppose that shows my family is worried about me, and I have given them reason to be worried before. But my little brother was so worried. I actually got an idea of how much it would hurt him if I were to end it all.
Things are slowly getting better for me here and there. Still, I just feel I have so much left to do before I am living a full life. I feel so separated from people. I just don’t feel like anything can help me cross that bridge. I feel like no one cares about me. Some of that is probably my brain playing tricks but some is probably true.
I’ve come to belive in some sort of higher power and I ask for help. I know some people think that’s stupid, but it is working for me. But God do I still have a great deal missing from my life. I have so many flaws that separate me from where I need to be and I need help with those as well. I may not set dates anymore, but I still think of suicide from time to time. The reality I’m coming to understand is that if you don’t get fully invested in life, you may not have much of a chance at happiness.